Stop reading candidate diaries, and start learning why me and my good GOoPer friends are ready to shock and awe the Democrat party in both congressional and the Presidential victories this November . . . .
. . . if you're like me, you're an ice-veined conservative who has missionary sex with my virtuous spouse once a month, and twice in April - our anniversary.* Like many of us, you've probably been worried about how things are looking for our beloved G.O.P. for election 2008. All of our candidates are suck-asses, and everyone seems to have gone liberal-whacko all of a sudden. There are many issues on which it appears that our brilliant framing is falling apart, like the socialized medicine, the Democrats love terrorists thing, and even the brilliant Hillary is a Marxist frame. But last night, while I was having my third beam and coke, watching the Mac in his full Backitude, I realized exactly what framing we need to win back the country, and the Wars on Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Drugs, and Christmas - COMBINED.
It's a simple theory. We must declare a Surge against the Earth. The thing about surges, as we all know, is that they work. There is simply no denying it. Take the Surge in Iraq! Did it work? Without a doubt. Why not take this obviously winning strategy from the Glorious War on Iraq, and apply to all of our other glorious struggles? Afghanistan acting up again against the Mayor of Kabul Prime Minister Karzai? Surge it away to a stable and ready-to-play-ball Aghanistan! War on Drugs not working? We got a Surge for that too!!!
Look, I'm not some panty-waste liberal do-gooder, okay? I'm strictly from the strong father mold. I know the all-forgiving Lord filled the Earth with nothing but sinister enemies who must be squelched from every corner where from they lurk in at . . . from. The point is, I think we all understand the world is filled with our enemies, and the list just keeps on growing and growing. First it was just Iraq. Then it was Iraq and France. Then it was Iraq and France and Afghanistan. Oh I mean Afghanistan was first. But you know what I mean. Then it was North Korea, Germany, and Syria, and god-damned Palestine, and then Russia and Somalia, Italy, Spain, all of Europe, and next thing you know, it's like the whole damn planet is our enemy. My recommendation? Surge them all. Surge em right in their eyes. It's virtually guaranteed to work.
This wonderful framing strategy will have real results no matter where its applied. There is literally no stain on the tighty-whities of public discourse that a little Surgin' won't scrub right out. Global warming? We can Surge against it! The world thinks it's gonna get us? Hell no it isn't. We're gonna get IT!!!! The beauty of this whole thing is, you don't have to make any real policy changes. You just tinker around the edges with what you've already got going on, give a double dose of more of the same, and then go back to the media and tell 'em it worked. Then they report that it worked, y voila! You have just surged yourself to victory.
Did it actually work? It doesn't even matter!!! Talk about a win-win situation!!
And if the Democrats and wierd liberal types try to get cute and win some elections - hey it's okay, we can Surge them too!
Remember, this is guaranteed to work.
* I meant
your spouse. I'm obviously the only one having my sweet virtuous way with my spouse! Get your head out of the gutter.