Annointed, as I am, with Divine Inspiration (DI) which is not to be confused with Divine Perspiration (DP) a documented manifestation of intense DI, I, your BENEVOLENT DESPOT, declare the following Laws to be in effect immediately and forever:
- HEREAFTER, all candidates for any and all political office in the United States of America, its territories and Puerto Rico may only engage in public discourse on issues of which they have a working knowledge (read: no teleprompters, hidden mikes, or flash cards allowed). They may not discuss any other candidate, announced or unannounced; nor may they discuss what any other candidate, announced or unannounced, may or may not know. Any candidate, announced or unannounced, who violates the I’M PROUD TO BE ME law will be immediately disqualified currently and forever from running as a candidate, announced or unannounced, for political office in the United States of America, its territories and Puerto Rico.
- HEREAFTER, all pre-election, during election and exit polling is banned. Your BENEVOLANT DESPOT has determined that the polls are useless and serve only to sway the average uninformed voter in a yet-to-be-determined Orwellian fashion. Violators of the LET’S TAKE A POLL ON HOW FAR DIEBOLD’S STOCK WILL TANK edict will be assessed fines that will make the Tobacco companies start singing YOUR NOT HEAVY YOU’RE MY BROTHER. Sensitive to the concomitant diminution in income that will be experienced by professional pollsters your BENEVOLANT DESPOT hereby establishes the POLLSTERS WORKFORCE ADMINISTRATION that will ensure a living wage (health benefits not applicable) for all retrained pollsters in the important and exciting work of counting paper ballots.
- HEREAFTER, all commercials that address the subjects of funerals, incontinence, impotence, menopause, reverse mortgages and motorized wheelchairs ARE HEREBY BANNED FOREVER. Your BENEVOLANT DESPOT has noted an exponential growth in the number of such advertisements that are, without apology, directed at the generation to which Your BENEVOLANT DESPOT lays claim. Your BENEVOLANT DESPOT, for one, has no intention of spending what time is left between the issuance of edicts, wringing HER hands over the apparent disparity between the SSI death benefit and a $6,000 funeral. When it becomes an issue, Your BENEVOLANT DESPOT, will be dead and won’t give a damn.