Wolf: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We at CNN are doing everything we can to bring you four more years of Republican rule, because we hope they will start another war that will bring our ratings back up to 2003 levels. Here are our candidates, Bottle Blondie and Big Tall Drink O’Water.
Hillary: Thank you, Wolf. My name is not Bottle Blondie. I am the embodiment of 35 years of experience, and admit it, I have gotten a lot better looking since the 1970s. Please forget about Monica. Please vote for me. Ready on Day One.
Obama: Thank you, Wolf. My name is not Big Tall Drink O’Water. I am the embodiment of a whole bunch of audacity, a great deal of hope, and an occasional contribution from some guy I swear I did not know was a slumlord. Please vote for me. I will be Right on Day One.
Wolf: First off, why can’t you two just get along? Why all the racist, sexist viciousness and creamy sweet delicious mud-wrestling?
Hillary: I love John Edwards. If I hadn’t married Bill, I would have married John Edwards. I swear to God. There’s something about the sparkle in his eye.
Obama: Let me just add that I love John Edwards more. I am not gay but I would go gay for John Edwards. I like that lank of hair, how it falls down on his forehead.
Wolf: Senator Obama, we in the mainstream media are pushing you hard because we really dig this white-woman-on-black-man dynamic, demographically. Do you love us too?
Obama: No, Wolf, I do not love you. I love John Edwards.
Wolf: Senator Clinton, we in the mainstream media think your husband gets too red in the face and shakes his finger. We like that, but then he says things that are too subtle for us to understand. Will you please make him stop?
Hillary: Wolf, I told him to calm down but you know how he is. That’s why I was picturing how much I love John Edwards.
Wolf: So Obama, what about health care? Why do you hate freedom? Why do you love diseases that make babies sick?
Obama: I love everyone. I scoot the chair out for the ladies. I am against illness, no matter what kind.
Hillary: Wait, Wolf, I hate freedom too and I love diseases. But I love babies more. I will be Ready on Day One to heal all the babies.
Wolf: Hillary, you were a fool on Iraq. What gives?
Hillary: I love babies and John Edwards. Have you seen his cute children? Vote for me. I was against the war before Obama was for it. Or something.
Obama: See? She hates babies, not just sick ones but healthy ones. She wants to force all babies to be healthy! I love John Edwards’ children more than you.
Wolf: That’s all the time we have. Pull out her chair for her.
CLINTON AND OBAMA MEET, MIDSTAGE
Hillary: (whispered) Get Michelle and come up to the suite, I have some killer weed.
Obama: (whispered) Bill’s got my bong. See you up there in ten.