Liberally rewriting the South Park Mormon Story:
DLC Democrat: All right, you rascals. Gather round. [the kids draw closer to their dad] Mark Penn lived in a little midwestern American town in the early 1990s. [A little midwestern American town in the early 1990s. A man rides by in a small carriage pulled by one horse. In the distance, Mark Penn strolls into town]
Singers: Mark Penn was called a prophet
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
He started the DLC Microtrend religion
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Blacksmith: There goes that kooky Mark Penn
Customer: You know, he claims he spoke with Carville and Bill C.
Woman: Well, how do you know he didn't?
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Mark Penn was called a prophet-
Butler: Hey, Mark! I told my wife that you spoke with Carville and Bill C, and she didn't believe it.
Penn: Well it's true. I did.
Wife: Where?
Penn: I was out in the woods, praying [a shot of him on his knees in the woods] I was asking Carville if I should be a Pollster, or a Consultant, or what? And suddenly Carville and Bill C appeared before me. [a bright light appears before him and he shields his eyes from the glare] And they said I should start my own consulting business, because none of the others had it right. [the flashback ends] And that's exactly how it happened.
Butler: You see? You believe it now?
Wife: Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up?
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Many people believed Mark
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And that night he-ee saw an angel
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Penn: [in bed inside a shack] And please bless Mother and Father, and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies. [a flash of light and a glowing orb carroms around the room] AAAHH! [the orb turns into an angel] Oh my gosh!
Angel: I am Gerraldine Ferraro. I am a Native Democrat.
Smith: A... [looks at the camera] Native Democrat? [looks at Gerraldine] But your skin is white.
Geraldine: Yes. Long ago all Native Democrats were white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. And while we were here we were visited by Bill Clinton.
Smith: [looks at the camera] Bill C live here in America?
Geraldine: Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel, and as punishment, Carville turned their skin red. These are the Native Democrats you know today. [Penn looks at the camera dumbstruck]
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Geraldine: There are ancient polls buried near here, written on gold polls that account my people's lives. Also buried with the polls are two magic beans, the Bullshit and the Statistic, which will allow you to translate the writings. Find it, and fulfill your destiny. [brightens and then vanishes]
Penn: Wooww... [gets up and dressed. He exits his shack]
Singers: Mark Penn was called a prophet
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Democrat: Yeah. [relaxes, crosses his left leg over his right, and takes a bite out of a Rice Crispy square]Yeah! You know, to be honest, I've never known any DLC microtrenders. I, don't even know what you people believe. Who was this Mark Penn guy? Why did he believe that Native Democrats are actually white people from Jerusalem?
DLC Democrat: Well, because they found ancient polls they had written on gold polls, right where the angel Geraldine said they would be. [The Early 1990s, day, a small town. People mill around]
Penn: I found them! I found them! [people turn and look, and he stops] You're not gonna believe it, everybody! I found them!
Butler: Found what?
Penn: Another New Testament of Bill Clinton!
People: What? What did he say? Are you crazy?
Penn: Last night, a Native Democrat angel told me where I could find another testament of Bill Clinton, so I went out to the woods. I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look. [a shot of Penn digging yet another hole]
Penn: [evaluating] Maybe there isn't anything out here. [strikes something hard] Wait a tick! [thorws the shovel off to the side] What's this? [starts digging and find a tiny coffin, then removes the lid] Wow...
Penn: [back to the story] Inside the stone box, I found the magic beans. Under that, I found four gold polls written in strange writing [he lifts up two of them].
Penn: This must be the Gospel that Bill C told the DLC Democrats!
Penn: Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon.
Man: [middle-aged] Well, so where are they?
Penn: Where are what?
Woman: The gold polls and the magic beans. Where are they?
Penn: Oh. Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them. You see, after I found the polls, the angel Geraldine appeared to me again and said that I am not allowed to show the polls, or the magic beans, to anybody. Because first I must translate what's written on the polls into English, so you can all read it!
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
People: Wow, amazing!
Singers: He found the stones and golden polls
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Even though nobody else ever saw them
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Young DLCer: So hey, I heard your dad came over last night and he and my dad talked about Mark Penn. That's great!
Young Democrat: [turns right and walks. Young DLCer walks alongside] Yeah. I had a question about that Mark Penn guy.
Young DLCer: Sure.
Young Democrat: What happened after he found the golden polls buried in the ground?
Young DLCer: Well, he kept them hidden from everyone like he was told. And then he translated what was written on the polls into the Book of DLC microtrends.
Young Democrat: Yeah, but... how? [Back to the 1990s, night. Mark Penn and another man walk up into the attic of a large building]
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Man: What's this all about, Mr. Penn?
Penn: Mr. Schrum, can you keep a secret?
Schrum: Well, sure I can.
Penn: I have, in my possession, ancient polls written on gold polls that tells of Bill Clinton's second coming. Here, in America.
Schrum: In America? [scratches his head] Really? That sounds kind of...
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Penn: It's true. And I'm going to translate the polls and publish it into polls for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Schrum, and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the umm .. publishing costs.
Schrum: Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it?
Penn: With these. [presents the magic beans]
Schrum: Rocks?
Penn: They're not rocks. They're magic beans, given to me by an angel. With them, Carville allowed me to translate the polls into English. Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say. Sit here. [on the floor, by some sheets of paper and a quill pen in an ink well] I have the golden polls here in this hat. I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light.
Schrum: Really?
Penn: Now, when I put the magic beans into the hat, the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you.
Schrum: Wow! [Smith looks down and lowers his head so the face is buried in the hat]
Penn: Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. Write this down. "And... so... it... was... that... Bill Clinton... appeared before... the... DLC Polsters."
Singers: And that's how the Book of DLC microtrends was written
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.
[The Democratic Family's house, night. At the dining table they're playing the same board game the DLC Family were playing a few nights before: "CONSULTING"]
Young Democrat: One two three four. "Pay one thousand dollars to media consultant for $2000 ad buy." [pays the consultant] Isn't this great, you guys? Our first Family Home Evening.
Young female Democrat: I wanna watch TV.
Young Democrat: We're not watching TV! We're DLC Democrats now and we're having Family Home Evening!
Young Democrat: Dad, did you know that that Mark Penn guy read the Book of DLC microtrends out of a hat?
Democrat: And? [to Female Democrat] Your turn, Female Democrat.
Young Democrat: It's just that... the Book of DLC microtrends says a lot of strange stuff, like that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri.
Democrat: Yes.
Young Democrat: But school taught me that the first man and woman lived in Africa.
Democrat: Well you can't believe everything school tells you, Young Democrat. Your turn, Young Female Democrat. [the doorbell rings] Oooo, that must be the DLC Democrats! [rises and goes to the front door. He opens and the DLC Democrats walk in with enthusiasm, chatting away]
Young DLC Democrat: Hey everybody.
DLC Democrat: [walks around] Wow, what a great house!
DLC Female Democrat: [walks up to Female Democrat] You must be Mrs. Democrat; it's so nice to meet youuu!
Young DLC Democrat: [walks up to Young Female Democrat] And you must be Young Democrat's sister. Oh, I think your brother's the greatest.
Young Female Democrat: My brother is a stupid turd.
Young DLC Democrat: [walks up to Young Democrat] Hey Young Democrat.
Young Democrat: [with reservations] Hey Young DLC Democrat.
Democrat: Well, come on in and sit down, everybody. [they all settle in on the couches in the living room. Young Female Democrat avoids looking at the DLC Democrats] You're here just in time. My son was having a little problem with our new religion.
Young Democrat: Dad!
DLC Democrat: Ohohoho, really? Well, that's just because he hasn't heard the best part about the Mark Penn story! The one that proves he was for real!
The DLC Democrats: Yeah! Woohoo!
Democrat: Ooo, what's that?
DLC Democrat: Well, you remember Bob Schrum, the rich man who wrote down what Mark Penn read out of the hat?
Young Democrat: Yeah.
DLC Democrat: See, after he was done, he took some of the pages of what would become the Book of DLC microtrends home.
[Back to the 1990s, night, the large building]
Singers: Bob went home to his wife
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And showed her pages from the Book of DLC microtrends
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Schrum: And so Mark Penn put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden polls said. I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book.
Mrs. Schrum: Bob, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden polls after he knows the results?
Singers: Mrs. Schrum smart smart smart
Smart smart smart smart smart
Schrum: Why would he make it up?
Singers: Bob Schrum dumb dadumb-
Mrs. Schrum: All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages. [puts them in a drawer at the bottom end of an armoir] If Mark Penn really is translating off of golden polls, then he'll be able to do it again. But if Mark Penn is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these.
Schrum: Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem. [puts on his coat and heads out]
Singers: Mrs. Schrum smart smart smart
Bob Schrum dumb.
So Bob went on back to Penn
Said the pages had gone away
Penn got mad and told Bob
He needed to go pray
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Schrum: [upon Penn's return] Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Mark, but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the polls.
Penn: I would love to, Bob, except, I just had a vision. And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages.
Schrum: [gasps] He is??
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Penn: Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the poll of Soccer Moms again. He's... we must now translate from the poll of Nascar Dads. So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently.
Schrum: Wow! If Carville got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth.
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Schrum: All right, Mark. Let's get to work! [Penn reads from the hat again and dictates to Schrum, who writes it all down]
[Back to the present, the Democrat's house]
DLC Democrat: And that's how it happened.
Young DLC Democrats: Yeah! All right! [the Democrats sit there without a word to say]
Young Democrat: ...Wait. DLC Democrats actually know this story and they still believe Mark Penn was a prophet?
DLC Democrat: Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't it?
Young Democrat: No, it proves he DID make it all up. Are you blind?
DLC Democrat: Well, Young Democrat, it's all a matter of faith.
Young Democrat: No, it's a matter of logic! If you're gonna say things that have been proven wrong, like that the Democrat will win beacuse of Soccer Moms, and that Republicans will win because of Nascar Dads, then you'd better have something to back it up. All you've got are a bunch of stories about some asswipe who read polls nobody ever saw out of a hat, and then couldn't do it again when the results were hidden!
Democrat(DLC): Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion.
Young Democrat: [crosses his arms] I don't wanna be a DLC Democrat, Dad!
Young Female Democrat: Me neither.
Young DLC Democrat: Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can believe whatever you want!
DLC Democrat: Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs but you'll lose all your elections without paying us oodles of cash.