Today, April 25, students at schools around the country are observing the Day of Silence
The Day of Silence, a project of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), is a student-led day of action when concerned students, from middle school to college, take some form of a vow of silence to bring attention to the name-calling, bullying and harassment -- in effect, the silencing -- experienced by LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) students and their allies.
for more info see http://www.dayofsilence.org/
April 25 is an important day for me for another reason as well. On April 25, 2002, I attempted suicide.
On April 25, 2002, I was a 21 year old who had just finished my undergraduate degree. My parents were both religious conservatives, and as a young adult I was also very religious. Things like homosexuality had never been discussed in my household. As I entered my teens and I realized that I was attracted to girls instead of boys, I responded by becoming more religious and trying to suppress those feelings. Growing up, I was taught that being gay was about the worst thing a person could be.
Almost every day in school, I saw anti-gay bullying. I had friends who were harassed on a regular basis simply because someone else suspected them of being gay (as far as I know, no one was actually out when I was in high school). Kids used words like "fag," "dyke," and "homo" and the teachers just ignored it. When I was in middle school, I even had one teacher who thought it was okay to make anti-gay comments to his students (how this in any way related to 7th grade math, I'll never understand).
I didn't tell a single soul I was gay until my last semester in college. When a friend came out to me, I came out to him. Many people say that when they first tell someone they are gay, they feel liberated. For me, it terrified me, because I had spent so long trying to suppress those feelings. Saying that out loud for the first time made it more real to me. Once I had told someone else, it made it harder for me to hide from myself.
I guess you could say that I had a meltdown, and on in the wee hours of the morning on April 25th, 2002 I downed a bottle of Tylenol PMs. I really don't remember much of what happened in the several hours after that because I was very out of it. However, later that morning I was able to very incoherently explain to my mother what I had done and she rushed me to the emergency room. Luckily for me, not only did I obviously survive, I also managed to not do any permanent damage to my body.
I spent 3 nights in the hospital, and after I was released, I went through several months of therapy both to come to terms with my sexuality and also to deal with some anxiety issues.
I was also extremely lucky that my parents were very supportive. I had done such a good job of hiding everything and bottling everything up inside that until my suicide attempt, they didn't even know that anything was wrong. My parents, who were quite conservative when I was a kid, have made an extraordinary effort to educate themselves and to support me the best that they can. My mother is now a very vocal supporter of gay rights. She had never voted for a Democrat until 2000 because Bush scared her. After she found out I was gay, she decided that there was no way she was going to support the Republican party again because she was so turned off by the anti-glbt comments she was hearing from Republican politicians.
The following is something I wrote last year, on the 5 year anniversary of my suicide attempt
Five years ago today, I was 21 years old
Five years ago today, I was finishing up my studies at Oakland University
Five years ago today, I was admitted to the hospital for a suicide attempt
Five years ago today, I thought that death was preferable to being gay....
As I look back on that day and everything that happened afterwards, I realize what a turning point that was in my life. It was after than day that I realized that I had two choices. I could continue to hate who I was, and probably end up doing something really destructive, or I could accept myself for who I am.
Five years ago today was the day I realized how much I had let other people have power over me. I realized that each day I lived in fear, each day I prayed to God to make me straight, and each day I refused to stand up for myself was another day that I let every homophobic asshole out there win. I refuse to let them have that power over me. If a person is going to hate me for who I am, they are not worth my time. If a person is going to expect me to change before they accept me, they are not worth my time. If a person is going to expect me to hide who I am because it makes them feel uncomfortable, they are not worth my time.
Five years later, I'm still here, and I don't plan on going away
Also, The Trever Project operates a 24/7 helpline for GLBT youth: 1-866-4-U-TREVOR.
From their website:
The Trevor Project operates the nation's only 24/7 crisis & suicide prevention helpline for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. If you or a friend are feeling lost or alone call The Trevor Helpline. There is hope, there is help.
thank you to BrookylnWeaver for this important information.
Edit: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for all of the kind words and all the touching stories. I apologize that I can't reply to each of you personally. I wasn't expecting such a wonderful response. I am continuously in awe of how caring and loving this community can be. Tahnk you again!