in a shocking turn of events, presidential hopeful and former first lady hillary clinton has won 100% of the popular vote in the indiana democratic primary, further claiming all 72 possible delegates and leaving rival barack obama's campaign in a state of stunned disbelief.
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clinton's unprecedented victory was made possible by my wife, who somehow beat me through the door of our local polling place to cast the decisive ballot. the major news organizations and pollsters quickly called the race for clinton, ignoring the fact that hundreds of thousands if not millions of votes had yet to be cast and counted.
"hillary's overwhelming victory in indiana is just the shot in the arm our campaign needs," an unidentified clinton staffer stated. "if hillary has a repeat 100% performance in north carolina, barack obama will have no choice but to bow out of the race. in fact, he should withdraw now, or better yet, invent a time machine, go back to january, and drop out then."
UPDATE:
despite calling the race early for clinton, the major news and polling organizations have withdrawn their initial predictions upon learning that seconds after clinton was awarded the victory with a vote total of 1 (to obama's 0), a ballot was recorded with a vote for obama (that was me). the race is now considered a tie, with the candidates splitting the possible delegates equally. in the unlikely event that any other votes are tallied, it is predicted that the predictions will be further amended...