This is a personal diary, of no use to folks looking for facts or information.
Tonight I learned something valuable to me.
I practice Buddhism. I practice, and practice, and practice. I can't seem to get it right, the compassion part. The part where I overcome my anger and transform it into a positive force. . That bothers me, I'm usually pretty good at mastering things I want to, except for waterskiing. That proved to be a lost cause, and I've lost too many bikini parts in the pursuit (while I had a bikini-shaped body) to continue on that mission. I'm not giving up on awakening my Inner Buddha, but I've gotta tell ya, it cries more than it smiles lately.
Growing up I was never a particularly volatile person. I've been through crap, we all have. That's life. It's only the last several years that I've descended to moments of being a nutcase, someone who an objective observer might consider dangerous, certainly unbalanced. At times. I howl at my vacuum cleaner when it misbehaves. When my computer started acting up, same thing. Absurd road rage. I become incensed when other people's negligence thwarts my plans.
I had one of those moments Saturday morning when my A/C flooded my living room, for the third time in the year I've lived here. Mind you, it wasn't even caused by running my A/C, but the two apartments above me, and the fact that the maintenance staff hadn't done the scheduled sucking out of the outlet pipe. So all the water backs up into my living room. FURY! I was planning to go register voters that day, had planned a day off work for it. But noooooo. I had to stay home and try to diminish the water damage. I WAS SOOOO PISSED!
So, I called the apartment management office and got one of those recordings that'll send anyone insane as they watch things get soggier. And I HOWLED into the phone while waiting for the answering machine to pick up. It was not pretty, I was about as vulgar as someone can get. And then the beep happened, and I left a strained, but coherent message.
I hate it when I lose control like that. It does nothing to solve the problem, but it sure does throw me into a tizzy. What use is that? I get that. And I still go out of control when faced with simple problems THAT DON'T NEED TO BE SO DIFFICULT!
So. On Sunday I found out that all my howling had been heard. The person in the office didn't pick up the phone as she was with potential renters, but they could still here me before the beep. Ohhhhhhh boy. That's shameful, as I'm the nice lady with all the plants who shares the crops with the neighbors. I've a reputation for being patient and nice, at home and at work. Blew it. My inner darkness did the rhumba all over my carefully maintained reputation. That was the first sign that something really needs to change.
On Monday I saw the Bill O'Reilly clip where he blew his lid. I thought to myself, the guy is a nutcase. And I thought to myself, that's no different from me. A neighbor was cleaning his car outside my open window. He heard the Bill O. tirade and was commenting about the venom. And I thought, "that is me.". I have got to get at the source of this anger, and change it. Now.
Tonight I watched Keith Olberman's special comment. By the end of it he was 'having an episode' and I thought, "that is me." I also got something. I finally understood where the source of my rage is, and it's not coming from the little, crappy life moments that frustrate me so profoundly. It's my way of processing the profound outrage, the hopelessness I feel as people with the power to do things, to make things function, weasel out of their responsibility. Largely because they've found an easier way out of dealing with the issues by ignoring them or by offering cheap, feel-good non-solutions as if they were comparable to solutions.
BUSH GIVING UP GOLF DOES NOT COMPENSATE FOR THE LOSSES OUR COUNTRY HAS SUSTAINED BY CLINGING TO HIS STUPID, GODFORSAKEN WAR IN IRAQ.
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING MANIPULATED THROUGH SELECTIVE DISTRIBUTION OF INFORMATION.
I CANOT TOLERATE ANY MORE POLITICALLY-SPUN EXCUSES FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOWINGLY SCREW THEIR CONSTITUENTS TO GREASE THE WORKS. The works need to be replaced, when they're that obsolete.
* ahem * But now I know where my bizarre behavior is based, and I can change that. Small value, in context of the Big Picture, but I think I've found a key to myself. World peace through individual happiness.
I'll probably delete this diary pretty quickly, it's a rant I'm not sure I want to leave to posterity. Seeing it outside of me is a form of therapy, I think it'll help. No edits.
Nam myoho renge kyo.