We here in the reality-based community often talk about how out-of-touch are the...people on the other side of the aisle, but it's difficult to grasp the depth of their obtuseness without once in a while donning the hazmat gear and trekking over to the conservative end of the blogosphere. Today, your resident historiorantologist took a Grand Tour of Dead-Ender haunts, through Malkin Gulch (she has the vapors about Winnie the Pooh or something), Freeperville (check out the comments in Woman beats 7-foot-3 sex offender with baseball bat if you really want to know what we're up against), and, of course, that plucky little wannabe DKos, RedState.com.
It was while I was reading the titles on the RedState rec list that my heart soared momentarily, for one "blog" was labeled George W. Bush's Resignation Speech. It's a RedStater's fantasy version of what such a document might look like, and it's a hoot - join me, if you will, in the Cave of the Moonbat, to see just how twisted the wingnut bizarro-world has actually become.
The piece in question is described by its author, St. Louis Conservative, as an e-mail recently received. SLC provides little in the way of background, opting instead for a "dunno how many of you have seen this" intro, accompanied by an assurance that SLC, at least, "thought it was pretty good." The rest of the "blog" consists of a repost of the e-mail, so in the fine tradition of our own karateexplosions and in homage to The Scotty Show, I'll simply put the strong, bold bullshit in blockquotes, then snark at the stupidity.
(Remember now, this was a rec listed piece at RedState, and it garnered 10 comments - by their standards, real close to hitting it out of the park. Those comments clearly indicate that this is what they really wish Bush would say - so do I, but from a slightly different perspective. – u.m.)
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans', not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
If the polls are correct, sir, you don't know who 70% of us are anymore, but yes, something terrible has happened.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
Well, that clears everything up, you lying turd. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world, or what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Sweet Jesus, where to start with this one? You're fed up with us? We're the ones with no understanding? "Once-great" didn't describe our nation until you began defiling of founding documents, and as for lazy, aren't you the one that set some sort of record for most vacation days ever taken by a President, you war-time leader you?
I don't want to quote the whole thing, so I'll skip over the couple of paragraphs where "Bush" claims that we're too ignorant to realize the economy really is in great shape and that gas prices are simply a result of foreign demand and an idiotic love of polar bears.
Don?t give me this 'blood for oil' crap. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
So, the fact that you didn't plant WMD in Iraq for our own soldiers to "find" proves you're a stand-up guy? Gee, I didn't kick my cat today – can I have a Medal of Freedom?
The next three paragraphs are the standard neocon rationalization rehash: Everybody in the world thought Saddam had WMD; Clinton favored regime change; this is a different enemy than the one we faced in the "cold war" (sic); the enemy is everywhere, literally dying to kill us; and that we seem to think "a long and difficult fight" equates to a season of "Survivor."
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
The moral of this story, I suppose, is that we need to be more like our enemies – and having gotten rid of the 4th through 8th Amendments, while severely gutting the 1st, I guess you're entitled to that "Mission Accomplished" banner after all.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
Buying a copy of the New York Times is the "same thing" as FedExing a grenade launcher to a Jihadist? Did you really just say that? Really?
Did the lobotomy hurt?
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet; it just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a Cat 5 hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your idiotic belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
Yes, yes, the "truth" is on the internets. I assume you're referring to "THE DOOMED REPORT: What The News Might Look Like Under An Obama Administration" and similar pearls, but I don't really care, 'cause I thought Sayesha should've won because she's a girl and she's real pretty.
Those other two paragraphs – well, you guys have fun with them.
So, I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream of) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
A brush ranch is a good place for you, though I seriously doubt that self-sufficiency is in your future. Given your history of failed business ventures and entitled frat-boy laziness, I have little doubt that you'll be suckling at the teat of the American taxpayer for a long time to come, and I really doubt you'll be doing it in Texas. A nice, big spread in a country with no US extradition treaty sounds more up your alley.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too.
This just keeps getting better and better...but don't you want to issue a blanket pardon first, just to be on the safe side?
That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it - you can have her. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
Given the Speaker's recent cowardly capitulation on granting phone companies retroactive immunity for spying on Americans, not all of us are as overjoyed at this prospect as you might suspect. Tell ya what: you keep Pelosi, and we'll just wait on Obama.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you - kiss my ass!
I will not be kissing your ass, but I share your hope that God will bless what little you've left us of the America we once knew. Please show yourself out – we'll have somebody from security box up your crap and mail it to you.