It is clear that the pie fights have reached a fever pitch here yet again, and while it has transitioned from "Obama vs. Clinton" to "Obama is teh suck vs. Obama is teh rulz", a few things are evident.
Some people think that Obama has forever betrayed them and therefore can’t vote for him. Some people think that he has somewhat betrayed them but they will still vote for him. Some people think that you shouldn’t dare criticize him because there is no perfect candidate, and to criticize is either to provide talking points to republicans or will make it hard for him to win. And some people will vote for him because he is "perfect enough", "good enough" or "not McCain".
But all of these people are wrong. There is a perfect candidate.
Me.
And being that perfect candidate, I must do what is best, and announce an independent run for the Presidency. "Independent run?" you may ask. Well, since there are some of you that don’t think there is a perfect candidate, so now that you know there is, you will have to vote for someone that is not the Democratic nominee - someone that is not just "good enough" and someone who is not just "not McCain".
Oh, this shouldn’t be a surprise. It was reported back in December that I picked up a big endorsement in Iowa. And it was also recently reported that there was a major grassroots movement of support for my candidacy as well.
Oh, but there is no "perfect candidate". Sorry. Healthcare? For everyone, plus massages once per month. Iraq? We’re outta there, and will do whatever we can to focus where and on whom we need to focus on. AMT? Fixed so that it is fair. Free trade? Screw that - fair trade. Environment? A real focus. Rebuilding the nation’s infrastructure. Legalized marijuana. A renewed focus on education and investments in scientific studies for cancer, stem cells and other potential health breakthroughs. And that’s just the first 100 days. No more unitary executive. Frog marching for all criminals from this administration.
If you smear me or fuck with my friends, I’ll put you in your place two times quick. With a smile.
And one free beer for anyone who wants one every Friday.
Since there are so many who already think McCain is unacceptable but have now given up on Obama, I figure I got those votes. Since there are some who say we shouldn’t criticize Obama because it hurts his chances, well, there is nothing to criticize with me so you don’t have to worry about hurting my chances, so I figure that I got those votes too. Since there are some who say that they will vote for Obama because he "isn’t McCain", well, I am better than that, so I figure that I got those votes too.
Don’t say I never did anything for you. This is a big sacrifice, but I am up for it. After all, it is the least I could do.
Well, actually, the least I could do is nothing, but I’ll go one better here.