McCain to Deploy TruckNutz in Iraq; Obama Adopts Similar Policy
Degrassi, CANADA -- Citing a need for a more "recognizable, patriotic and awe-inspiring" presence in Iraq, Senator and Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain has put forth a two-point "TruckNutz!" plan that calls for the addition of TruckNutz! to all US and allied troops serving in Iraq, as well as on the Presidential Motorcade.
Sources in the Obama campaign say that they were blind-sided by this visionary approach to Iraq and will be considering similar options to the two-point "Add TruckNutz! to Vehicles that Need Armor and Armored Vehicles that Carry Presidents Plan."
In unrelated news, former McCain campaign advisor Phil Graham has announced plans to continue his career as a light porn producer and is currently in talks with long-time porn vets T'hylar, Riley Michelle Amber Crystal Rose, and Guy Whose Face is Never Seen #4. Talks are rumored to have cum to a grinding halt when Graham discovered that porn stars are "a bunch of whiners who insist on getting paid laid."
News Quickie:
Former baseball and current tabloid star A-Rod Clemens has once again been accused of injecting himself with 80's pop-stars. The use of career-enhancing injections, while not illegal, is icky. [Editor's note: I think something went wrong with this story, but I don't follow politics.]
International Desk:
Middle Eastern nations rallied to the defense of Sudanese Dictator Omar Al-Basheer. Critics complained about the Israelis for not being a part of this story.
Economy & Business:
Failures of major banking, lending, stock and most everything else considered an institution that doesn't house crazy fuckers has led the Federal Reserve to consider raising interest rates to fight inflation. Liberal economists responded that they don't have much choice since interest rates can't go down any further anyway. Snarky economists responded by saying that everyone in the Fed should be institutionalized.
In NAFTA news, everyone says they hate free trade, but no one wants to give up those succulent Brazillian fruits they get at WholeFoods.
Energy
Prices are down $10 in the past two days for sweet light crude oil, which analysts conclude was the result of rising opium prices in Afghanistan depressing the commodity trader junkie market.
Famed oil speculator T. Boone Pickens has unveiled an advertising campaign aimed at reducing US dependence on foreign oil through the use of renewable and natural gas resources. Depressed commodity trader junkies and current US Presidents reportedly responded with uncharacteristic disbelief "I don't know what's happened. T. Boone was always good for a hit of the good stuff."
White House
In the past week George Bush has vetoed a veto-proof bill aimed at reforming Medicare, proving once again that there's no issue of importance to the US people that he's not a dick about.
Outrage and Rage
Liberal and Conservative blogs spent the week practicing being outraged in preparation for the General Election that 85% of Americans think happens "sometime after the Fall TV season starts."
BREAKING UPDATE!
John McCain accuses Obama of being "Just Like Bush" a paradoxical position for the man running for Bush's third term. Yeah, some shit you just can't make up.