(This is also posted at www.236.com)
Once a year, for the past three years, thousands of left-wing heroes and nutbags of the blogosphere proudly gather at an event called Netroots Nation (formerly YearlyKos). Also, General Wesley Clark usually shows up at some point. Since I consider myself both left-wing and a nutbag, I figured I should go see what the buzz is about. And what I found out is: this ain't your grandma's blogosphere! (Because no such thing existed when she was alive, and if it had, it would have made everyone poop themselves.) This year the four-day event was held in Austin, Texas, and it was clear from the get-go that Austin had never seen so many surge protectors in one place. Here's how it all went down:
10:05 a.m., Thursday: Take Off
My plane is about to take off. So exciting - 2,000 bloggers and activists from around the country will drive cars and fly on planes in order to arrive at a convention at which we'll be told the world will die if we continue to drive cars and fly in airplanes. I should be there in less than four hours.
3:00 p.m., Thursday: F*** Off
Still sitting on runway at Laguardia. I just punched a four year-old in the face, hard, and I feel no remorse.
7:00 p.m., Thursday: Arrival
Finally in Austin, where it's a chilly 912 degrees outside. I will definitely go home with a new appreciation for global warming. Most bloggers have never seen sunlight. This will be a vicious shock to their systems.
8:30 p.m., Thursday: Dean-arama
Howard Dean is speaking. He's well loved at Netroots Nation, though part of him is clearly wondering why his fan base is guys with comic book collections and a Twitter affinity, rather than girls with mini-skirts and a glitter affinity.
11:00 p.m., Thursday: PARTAY
Party in someone's suite. I've never seen so much coke in all my life! A girl wearing a Media Matters shirt just offered me a bootie bump. I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound legal. Someone else just walked into the party with pants on and was booed out of the room. Apparently he missed the sign on the front door.
4:00 a.m., Fridjay: ASSJLMD
I'm gaklnd ammmmaslcoa!!!! Ythvvem bettter get tested ghh,
12:20 p.m., Friday: Kos-arama
Markos Moulitsas, founder of DailyKos.com, Overlord of Left-wing Bloggers, Ruler of The Interspace, High Commander of The Series of Tubes, has graced the Netroots Faithful with his presence. Following our extensive fifteen-minute ceremonial show of respect and subservience, he begins his speech. Apparently, he thinks this country has been headed down the wrong path for the past eight years. Wow, where is all this hostility coming from?
12:45 p.m., Friday: Lunch-arama
I'm no longer sure that adding "arama" to every title makes my live blogging exciting.
12:57 p.m., Friday: The great unknown
It's break time - finally a chance to explore Austin. Me and some fellow intrepid explorers venture out into the 811 degree afternoon (the temperature has dropped considerably since yesterday).
1:04 p.m., Friday: Uggggghhhh
Three blocks...from hotel... Almost...dead... Too hot. ...Will have to live off ...fried worms ...on sidewalk.
1:10 p.m., Friday: Saved
Obama Girl grabbed us all by the ankles and dragged us to safety at the hotel pool. Is there anything this girl CAN'T do?? Although I must say, the fact that Obama Girl is pressing the flesh at Netroots Nation right now means her acting career has probably hit a bit of a rough patch. Netroots is wonderful, but you're not going to run into Bobby DeNiro while puking in a bathroom.
3:30 p.m., Friday: Panel - Live Blogging
I sat in on a panel called "How to Live Blog" but they kicked me out. Apparently live blogging a panel on live blogging creates a black hole that could rip apart the atoms of everyone on the planet.
7:00 p.m. Friday: Harold Ford and Markos
Current chair of the Democratic Leadership Council, Harold Ford, Jr. , is onstage battling it out with his Highness, Markos Moulitsas. So far it seems like a pretty fair matchup except that Ford is carrying a battle axe and longbow while Markos only has a serrated laptop. One audience member just verbally attacked Ford for having once been a pundit for Fox News. Ford defends by comparing his time at Fox to a herpes flare-up: not something he enjoyed, medication has been helping, and he's hoping he can now live a normal, healthy life.
10:00 a.m., Saturday: Al Gore's Magical Hummus Machine
Nancy Pelosi was speaking when suddenly Al Gore made a surprise appearance, which is not easy with the size of his head being what it is. Pelosi looked incredibly surprised, but I think her face might be stuck that way. All jokes aside, it was great to see two impressive Democratic leaders onstage together. Gore and Pelosi took turns telling various douchebags to shut up. One man asked why Gore doesn't often mention that the meat industry (specifically: cow farts) make up more of the global warming gases than car emissions. Gore, sounding very professorial, said it's because meat is delicious and cars are not. The crowd cheered.
Then Nancy Pelosi was asked why she won't impeach Bush seeing as Congress's approval rating is 9%. She said it's because they want to hang on to that 9% of America who loves them. Wouldn't want to offend the true fans.
After saying goodbye, Al Gore hopped into a globe-shaped three-wheeled pod that's powered by pine nut hummus and dreams, and has his Nobel Prize attached to the roof. He and his chickpea vehicle disappeared in a cloud of water vapor.
8:07 PM Saturday: Jim Hightower party
Jim Hightower, author of "Swim Against The Current: Even A Dead Fish Can Go With The Flow," gives a little talk before we get back to the booze. He has a funny anecdote for everything! He just said that President Bush is a buffalo with a broken leg swimming in the river when you're pumping water with an old woman who once said "There ain't no drilling rights for ignorance!" I think that's what he said. Wait, who's in the river?? Did the buffalo represent the recession or the obesity epidemic?? ...Where am I?
1:24 a.m. Sunday: More coke-fueled parties
I just made out with either a mailbox or a police officer. The point is, it was a federal offense.
8:30 a.m. Sunday: Goodbye from Netroots Nation
The plane's about to take off. I think we really made a difference this year. I'm fired up and ready to go! And the rash is already clearing up - further proof that God's a liberal.