I've been watching CNN lately, and I've discovered something interesting: they've apparently started reporting complete bullshit! If a rumor pops up, they have to get it on the air as soon as possible. Some whackjob out there on some blog claims that Barak Obama might consider making Ice Cube his veep, and the next thing you know, there's Campbell Brown going, "What would the implications be of Ice Cube being the Vice-President? Would this mean there were no more Fridays films? Would we have to peel Iran's cap back? And could Flavor Flav become the ambassador to Germany? We'll be back to discuss it with our panel in a moment!"
I think this loose interpretation of speculation is kind of irresponsible journalism, and it calls for irresponsibility from the audience (that's me, and hopefully you if you wanna add your own fun facts via comment). So, the following fun "facts" are (probably) all completely bogus since I just made them up... but, they could still be discussed by a panel of B-list pundits, and they've got as much backing in reality as a lot of what CNN's been broadcasting lately, so, why not put them out there?
I don't even dislike everybody on the list (you can probably spot those, 'cuz I wasn't nearly as harsh), but in the interest of being unfair and unbalanced, I'll snark at 'em anyway. I wanted to make fun of FOX, but FOX is a joke right out of the box, isn't it?
WARNING: some of what follows may be kinda mean 'cuz my sense of humor sometimes skews that way, so the timid should proceed with caution. For the rest, on with the mendacity!
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WOLF BLITZER
- Real name: Percival Leopold Whistlebottom.
- has a morbid fear of root beer.
- best friend is a stuffed bunny named Mr. Bob-Herman-Steve, and he cries every time Jack Cafferty threatens to cut its ears off if Wolf doesn't stop making it dance on the newsdesk while shouting "Boingie, boingie, boingie!"
- Sleeps in a bunk bed with Lou Dobbs. Used to have the top bunk until one too many wetting incidents happened.
- doesn't know how doorknobs work. He's often found in the CNN studios, standing in front of a door and crying, hoping someone will take pity and open it for him.
- you know those bouncy bungee-cord chair-things that you put babies in so they can jump up and down? Blitzer had one made in his size. Often sounds of "Wheee! Wheeeee!" can be heard coming from his dressing room.
- drinks warm Sprite, and nothing else.
- lost his virginity to a stuffed-crust burrito.
- the reason he repeats the same question over and over a lot is because he's actually very, very stupid.
- follows Linda Stouffer around the CNN building, saying "You're
PRETTY!" over and over again.
- is no longer allowed to have scissors, matches, or spaghetti.
- constantly taunts Anderson Cooper, "Why do you have a
GIRL'S name?" because he read in an Archie comic that Betty's last name is "Cooper."
- tells everyone he lives in a treehouse, even though he doesn't.
- his DNA is an almost exact match for possum.
- has that beard because he's really, really into his Dungeons and Dragons "Wizard" character.
- suffers from a rare disease called LaBelle's Palsy, which causes him to try to steer any conversation toward the music of Patti LaBelle. Also suffers from Solipsistic Fibrosis, causing a tendency to make him believe all his ideas are
facts.
CAMPBELL BROWN
- once flew to Ecuador and paid $15,000 to shit in a Ming vase.
- employs a pair of Peruvian dwarfs to shave her legs, because it's something she always dreamed of having. Now has no dreams.
- was Adam Sandler's second wife.
- has a condition called Rayovacular Myopia, which means she can be easily hypnotized with a flashlight.
- her sister is that annoying, painfully-articulate woman who does the Lypozene commercials about ridding yourself of excess body fat-TUH.
- shoots milk out of her nose when she laughs... even if she hasn't been drinking any.
- has seen
Hollywood Knights over 50 times and will re-create Newbomb Turk's "Volare" scene if you'll buy her tequilla.
- smiles when she lies.
- was "discovered" running a "guess your weight" booth at a carnival.
- once fronted an all-girl punk band called Pipsqueak; got beaten up by Kathleen Hannah of Bikini Kill.
- favorite color: beige.
- nickname: Tater.
- is pretty.
JOHN ROBERTS
- passes gas in C-sharp. You can tune a piano by it.
- is such a literalist that his nickname is "Sobriquet."
- is owed a big refund from a Canadian plastic surgeon.
- secretly has a mullet that he keeps tucked into his shirt.
- is a kleptomaniac with very poor taste; if he ever visits your house, you may find your Scooby Doo cereal bowls missing.
- becomes easily enchanted.
- suffers from horrible nightmares about puppets.
- always wants to settle disputes with "duelling banjos."
- gave Bill O'Reilley that "fallafel" idea.
ANDERSON COOPER
- living proof that we're being visited by Venusians, and they're blandly handsome.
- is officially in charge of opening the windows whenever Lou Dobbs leaves the room.
- wears a cape to bed.
- owns a chainsaw with a Greenpeace sticker on it, just 'cuz he's a secret smartass.
- is the reason John Roberts has nightmares about puppets.
JOE PAGLIORULO
- is Glenn Beck's "fluffer" and reacharound-engineer.
- at any given moment has enough froth at the corners of his mouth to fill three Twinkies. (I hate to kayfabe in the middle of my wacky joke-a-thon here, but this one is
true. You look next time they have this asshole on for a segment. It's gross).
- sleeps with a Rogaine IV drip stuck in his arm.
- has such a shitty personality that he has to get himself drunk to jerk off.
- the reason the earth spins is it's trying to shake him off.
- dissolves in Massengil.
- on a quiet night, you can hear his crab lice gagging.
- can be lured anywhere if you have a corn dog on a string.
- keeps himself greased up just in case George Bush ever wants him to crawl up his butt.
- Hospitals keep a shirtless picture of him on file because it's the only known cure for Viagra overdose.
GLENN BECK
- his nickname is "Pumpkin," because he is smart like a pumpkin.
- despite having an incredibly disasterous personal life, he still is under the impression that he should be telling everyone how to live.
- is the only guy left that Sean Hannity can laugh at for being stupid.
- his head is actually made out of rubber, and was manufactured in the same place they make babydolls.
- when startled, he swallows large amounts of air to try to make himself look larger.
- "head up his ass" you say, "introspective" he says.
- hobbies include looking for gum in the street, bothering dogs, and weeping.
- nickname: Shitbisquit.
- wants to star in a self-produced screenplay about sea monkeys.
- life was actually changed by one of those Jack Chick comic books. Oh, and methadone.
- thinks he's a smarty-pants, but is actually a stupid-pants.
KITTY PILGRIM
- the original concept for Kitty Pilgrim was a loveable cartoon animal, but CNN decided they could save money on production costs by hiring a vaguely odd-looking person instead.
- is not actually racist, but had to sign an oath-of-racism in order to work on Lou Dobbs' show.
- her great-grandfather was hastily carved from a block of granite.
- has a mutant power that allows her to control bees, but it only works on one bee at a time, so it's not very useful in fighting crime. It does sometimes help her get back at Lou Dobbs when he gets grabby, though.
- likes the way Anderson Cooper handles himself, but, due to puritanical upbringing, still believes that handling yourself is immoral.
- was once a comfort-woman for the KISS Army.
- was the "Hell Yeah" girl in
Heavy Metal Parking Lot.
LOU DOBBS
- a guy who once administered a Rorschach test to Lou still wakes up screaming from nightmares about some of Lou's answers.
- once tried to purchase Emmanuel Lewis for his granddaughter, until he was told that practice was no longer legal. Wrote an angry letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal about "what this world's coming to."
- brushes his teeth with Liquid Paper.
- is banned from all future CNN Christmas parties after an incident in 1997 when he raped a rum cake.
- beat his son with a buggy whip for listening to a Santana album.
- comes across on television as hating Latinos, but don't get him wrong; he also hates Blacks, Asians, Arabs, Jews, Native Americans, etc.
- once got arrested in Vegas for taking a dump on a craps table, said "That's what I thought it was for, now get out of the way so I can double down!" Later sheepishly explained, "I'm a slots man, really."
- You've heard of priapic? Lou is postapic.
- His unhappiness often gets tiresome to those around him.
- once told Larry King, "You know what'd look good on you? A chalk outline!"
- can't quite get the hang of "Rock, Scissors, Paper." Keeps trying to argue that rock beats everything, 'cuz he tested it in his carport.
- unmercifully bullies Wolf Blitzer because he likes the noise Wolf makes when he cries.
LARRY KING
- sins like he thinks Hell's made of cheesecake.
- is harder to fuck with than a two-dollar dildo.
- was once fired from a job as a Wal-Mart greeter because he wouldn't leave people alone.
- even though he always wears suspenders, he seldom wears pants.
- his "dressing room" has padded walls and a lock on the outside.
- in 1969 he went to Italy and starred in a spaghetti western called
Shoot Them, Sartana; They're All Bastards!
- his segment in
The Aristocrats was cut out for being "too depraved."
- tries to get everyone to call him "Cooter," but the only person who uses a nickname for him is Lou Dobbs, who calls him "that Jew."
- once fronted a punk band called Stupid McStupid And The I Forgot. They had one album out called
Polio Sock Hop, which
MaximumRockNRoll refused to review, even though Mykel Board lobbied hard for it. To this day, Board swears that "Larry King taught GG Allin everything he knew."
ROLAND MARTIN
- hosted a fishing show on The Nashville Network, before his operation.
- has a head of impressive girth.
- is often spotted hanging around in front of grammar schools handing out candy, but he's not a molester - he's just a really nice guy.
- can kick your ass in foosball.
JACK CAFFERTY
- nickname: "The Stark Fist Of Removal."
- has a Gatling gun on the roof of his house.
- is actually quite the cuddler.
- is the voice of Darth Vader on the Korean language audio track on the
Empire Strikes Back DVD.
- his favorite song is the theme to "Family Ties."
- once got fed up and beat the living shit out of Lou Dobbs; quit punching only when Lou creeped him out by smiling through all the blood and saying "You remind me of my mother!"
- as a teen he stole selected letters off of church marquee signs over a long period of time, saved them up, and then went back in the middle of the night and Krazy Glued them to the sign reading "WE MADE IT ALL UP."
- is many people's first choice to play Mike Hammer in a series of Mickey Spillane film adaptations.
- a guy once shot him with a .38 and Jack laughed and told the guy to come back when he found a "man's gun."