The suspense of the election is just killing me. I couldn't stand it anymore so I blew the dust off my old crystal ball and took a look.
What I saw foreshadowed in that ball of glass frightened my socks off. What follows is only for the sturdiest hearts.
Dateline January 20th, 2009
A Nation Mourns
John McCain passed away late today as the result of a freak accident immediately following his swearing in as President of the United States. President McCain apparently slipped and fell, sustaining a fatal head injury, just after completing the Oath of Office. Vice-President Palin, attractive in a red, white and blue pantsuit and $300,000.00 in jewels loaned to her my Mrs. McCain, gravely stated, "Our nation is reunited in grieving over our loss. It is my hope we can put the disputed election behind us and abide by the Supreme Court's decision to award ...."
Dateline January 21st, 2009
A Nation Rejoices
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue was the scene today of a quiet ceremony making Sarah Palin the new President of the United States. President Palin said she plans to honor the tragic loss of that great patriot, John McCain, by issuing an executive order calling for the arrest and deportation of all media pundits who said or wrote mean things about her, stating unequivocally, "You're either with me or against me!" When questioned about the legality of such an order she smiled and reminded reporters in the room that as President she can determine ....
Dateline January 22nd, 2009
A Nation Reassured
In a surprise move by President Palin today, Tom Delay was appointed Speaker of the Truth at the newly created Ministry for Straight Talk. Speaker Delay made his first speech from the steps of the Capitol to reassure concerned Americans that President Palin was in full control of the nation and there was no cause for worry. President Palin announced further plans to ....
Dateline January 23rd, 2009
A Nation Impressed
International relations were strained today when President Palin announced all Muslims, Jews and other persons embracing "really stupid religions" must immediately convert to Christianity. Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh applauded President Palin's efforts to preempt the War on Christmas. Lauded by right wing religious leaders as a "take charge Christian gal", President Palin made clear the consequences of failing to meet her demands would be met with "Hell on a scale ....
Dateline January 24th, 2009
A Nation Overjoyed
President Palin announced today the end of the global war on terror. Citing the complete failure of the Bush administration to "bring Osama bin Laden to justice and stop a bunch of ragheads from pushing us around", President Palin listed the countries obliterated in nuclear strikes at 7 AM Eastern time. Speaker of the Truth Delay pointed out since there were no longer any terrorist Muslim countries, there were "no Islamofascists" left to....
Dateline January 25th, 2009
A Nation Concerned
Chinese and Russian ambassadors jointly announced the formation of a Sino-Russ Pact Against Loose Insane Nitwits. Over 120 other nations immediately begged to be admitted to the Sino-Russ Pact. This number includes the newly formed Oil Dominion of Alaskan Kodiaks (OLDAK), more recently known as the State of Alaska. Other nations couldn't get their ambassadors in past the crowds mobbing ....
Dateline January 26th, 2009
A Nation Proud
President Palin made every red blooded American stand a little taller today, saying, "We will never be intimidated by the entire world standing against us. To the people of the former State of Alaska, I've just got one thing to say. You're still first where I'm concerned, the first to get nuked next, you cancerous bit...."
Dateline January 27th, 2009
A Nation Protected
Strongwoman President Palin announced she will be closing all libraries in the continental United States and Hawaii if Hawaii isn't kicked out of the Union for being too exotic. Head of the Ministry for Straight Talk, Speaker of Truth Tom Delay, in a speech later today, hammered librarians as a "bunch of Godless liberal hippy commie pinkos" who must be shown the error of their ways or face "a stretch of reeducation" at the newly remodeled Guantanamo Hilton. The Speaker went on to note all books would be reviewed and any not meeting the newest standards for correct thought were "going in the burn pile ....
Dateline January 28th, 2009
A Nation Comforted
Empress Palin today announced her elevation to Supreme Ruler of the World. When Cabinet members reminded her she was only President of 48 or 49 United States, since Hawaii's status is still not fully determined, she declared them enemy combatants and had them shot on the front lawn of the White House and their heads impaled on the fence facing Pennsylvania Avenue. Condi Rice's head still looked especially fetching in spite of a somewhat surprised expression ....
Dateline January 29th, 2009
A Nation Reborn
Empress Palin today reversed Roe vs Wade by fiat. Calling this her Born Again Choice Act of God, Empress Palin is pressing the head of the FBI, Ann Coulter, and the CIA chief, Fred Thompson, to "comb through the medical files of every American woman" for evidence of abortions. Passionately calling for the death penalty for "every woman refusing to be a full woman", Empress Palin said all those who had received abortions for any reason would be "arrested and turned over to FEMA for interment and eventual disposal". The recently reinstated head of FEMA, Michael Brown, promised to ride out on highly bred Arabian steeds and inspect his prisoners on a daily basis to ensure they are mistreated in appropriate ....
Dateline January 30th, 2009
A Nation Divided
Warning of severe repercussions for any perceived dissent, Empress Palin made plain the attempt on her life by rogue Secret Service agents was "a damned silly move against a woman who knows how to shoot straight." All Secret Service agents have been arrested, shot and skinned out. Empress Palin has replaced the Secret Service with her nearest and dearest, putting her husband, Consort Todd, in charge protecting her. Consort Todd announced, through the Ministry of Straight Talk Speaker of Truth, Tom Delay, that all recorded instances of telephone conversations, emails and IMs will be reviewed for "subversive content". Speaker Delay stated, "Any American who dissed the Empress is dead meat!" Thousands of people were fleeing by boat to Cuba where a surprised Raoul Castro was quoted saying, "?Que pasa?" Other Cubans were overheard demanding "Yanqui go home!" as emotions flared over ....
Dateline January 31st, 2009
A NATION SAVED!
A heroic figure came to the forefront in our nation's time of need. Cindy McCain, using her favorite private plane, hunted down and shot the self declared Empress Palin. Cindy was lauded by a grateful nation and world for her remarkable prowess with her weapon of choice, an AK 47. Proclaiming aerial hunting her newest passion, the brave widow of recently deceased President McCain made it clear that "Palin got what was coming to her. Who did she think she was, keeping $300,000.00 worth of jewels that belonged to ...."
Next week – the Palin Legacy