[Feel free to forward this as an email. Sorry if I piss people off. I had to get this off my chest, and any older Americans who aren't part of the problem can please feel free to disregard.]
Open Letter To My Parents’ Generation:
Thanks, assholes.
No really, thanks. On behalf of your kids and grandkids, thank you for what you’ve done to the country.
Thanks for being such money-grubbing bastards that you’ve continued to vote for more and more tax cuts for yourselves – starting with Reagan and continuing with the two Bushes – while saddling your kids and grandkids with the enormous debt. We appreciate it. We’re fucked now, but that’s fine for you guys; you’ll all be dead soon anyway, and you got yours. Don’t worry, we’ll clean up after your 30-year spending binge. We don’t really have much of a choice, really, do we?
Thanks for standing by and doing nothing while our schools fall apart or lose funding, our bridges and roads deteriorate until they collapse and kill people, our manufacturing jobs disappear, our college degrees become more and more expensive and unattainable, our high-tech jobs are outsourced and our good men and women in uniform are sent overseas to act like referees in someone else’s civil war while you tell us that they’re fighting for "our freedoms". Thanks for letting all that happen!
Thanks for teaching us about debt! More specifically, thanks for teaching us that we should borrow, and borrow, and fucking BORROW until we can’t borrow anymore, until the last credit card is maxed out, the last bit of equity can be wrung out of our homes, and the last investment bank collapses. You really set a great example! Not only that – your generation said, hey, let’s give a bunch of 18-year-olds access to thousands and thousands of dollars worth of credit! What could have been wrong with that plan?
Thanks for taking us back to the dark ages with religion. Really, thanks. There’s nothing that makes me prouder than the fact that this country, which was founded as a place to escape state-sponsored religion, is still openly debating whether or not to teach religion in fucking SCIENCE CLASS. While the rest of the western world passes us by in science and math education. Well done, fuckers. We are all dumber because of you.
Thanks for being such whiny little children when it comes to people who don’t look like you, pray like you, or fuck like you. Really, thank you. Because I know how much those people effect your daily lives, and how outrageous it is that they should expect to be treated like every other goddamn person. I’m so glad that our politics over the past, oh, 40 years have been about what ethnic group I’m supposed to be afraid of, or what some guy in San Francisco is doing with his dick, or whether someone once did a super-secret handshake with a Muslim 30 years ago. This is all really important stuff, I’m sure, and I’m so glad we’ve been talking about it for 40 years instead of the ballooning debt, the crumbling infrastructure, the shrinking middle class, the growing gap between the rich and the poor, and the energy crisis.
Speaking of the energy crisis – thanks! Thanks for ignoring it for almost 40 fucking years, even though you first heard the warnings in 1973 when US oil production peaked. Thanks for making fun of silly old Jimmy Carter in his silly old sweater, who committed the unforgiveable sin of trying to treat all you little children like grownups for five seconds. Thanks! Remember how much fun that was, making fun of Jimmy Carter talking about the coming energy crisis? I hear it was a blast. And he looked so silly in that sweater! Fucking CHILDREN. Thank you. From the bottom of our heart, we thank you for leaving us with this energy crisis which literally threatens our entire civilization.
Speaking of civilization... (Remember that silly old thing? The thing we’ve all been trying to maintain and hold together since the fucking dawn of history and society? Doesn’t sound familiar? Let me give you a hint – it’s what the characters in LOST are "lost" from.) ...Anyway, speaking of civilization, thanks for global warming! Because nothing gives the youngsters a good swift kick in the pants like a looming man-made global catastrophe! Thanks for ignoring silly old Al Gore in 2000 when he talked about this looming global catastrophe (Remember that guy? He talked like a boring old college professor! What a loser! Ha ha!). Thanks for letting mother nature force the issue by pounding us with all those hurricanes, obliterating an entire American city and melting the entire fucking NORTH POLE while you told us that we could take your S.U.V. out of your cold, dead hands! Thanks! (Santa Claus says thanks, too! Tell your grandkids Santa’s coming on a surfboard this year! That’ll make ‘em smile!) Seriously, I hope that S.U.V. was fucking shiny. I hope it made you feel taller and more powerful than the other drivers on the road. I hope you drove it around your little suburbs and made fun of Al Gore while you were picking up your grandkids from school, just like an off-road vehicle was designed to do. Maybe you’ll be alive long enough to explain to your grandkids why they can’t go to Disney World because Grandma and Grandpa melted the icecaps and made the fucking state of Florida disappear.
And one more thing – thanks for not giving a fuck about our leaders pissing on the Constitution! What do we need that thing for anyway? Who cares if the government listens to our cell phone conversations and tortures prisoners who don’t have access to a lawyer? Nothing like that could ever come back to haunt us, I’m sure!
Seriously. From everyone under 30, thank you to everyone over 50. We really appreciate all you’ve done for us, you money-grubbing, spoiled little selfish brat of a generation. You’ve taken the greatest, most prosperous nation on earth and turned us into a debt-hemorrhaging, overextended, dumbed-down crybaby factory that’s being held together with goddamn Scotch tape bought with money borrowed from fucking China.
If we may, though, we have just one request: GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY NOW. Your turn is over. You fucked it up as much as any generation has ever fucked up anything. And if, on election day, you turn out in full force because you’d rather put your fingers in your ears and ignore all the problems you’ve caused if it means that you get to keep a darkie out of the White House...well, we’re done playing games. There will be hell to pay. You are no longer authorized to drive this car. Your license has been revoked. The young people are the grownups now, and we’re tired of being ruled by a bunch of middle aged children. So, I repeat: either help us clean up your giant mess, or get the fuck out of the way while we do it ourselves. You are not serious people. You’ve lost your authority. It’s over. Go collect your Social Security checks (while we figure out how to rescue that shit, too).
Sincerely,
The fed-up young people of America