'McCain Campaign clears McCain's Running Mate of Corruption Charges'
THURSDAY, Oct 9: The McCain campaign concluded their own study of the charges leveled against McCain's vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and released a report to the media saying that they found no wrongdoing, and cleared her of any potential charges.
John McCain's campaign is set to release a statement Friday morning about what they say is the unfair treatment John McCain and his running mate, Sarah Palin, are receiving in the media. A portion of the prepared statement is as follows:
"If the radical leftists can't accept that this first-hand, eyewitness account from Sarah Palin herself proves her innocence and the media keeps insisting on disputing 'the facts', we're not going to talk to anyone in the media anymore, except Sean Hannity. In fact, when we win, and we WILL win, because people are EXTREMELY WORRIED about Bill Ayers and they know that John McCain is a POW and a maverick and they put COUNTRY FIRST and Sarah Palin is the best Vice President ever, we're going to appoint Sean Hannity to EVERY SINGLE IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT POSITION. All at the same time! How do you like that? Fuck you, liberal media!"
They also released a chart which they claim proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Sarah Palin is completely innocent.
Asked for further clarification on what exactly the chart meant, our reporter was accused of being a communist, and quickly apologized for his rudeness.
Not wanting to appear biased towards the Democrats, the investigation appears to be in the process of being dropped, following Sarah Palin's investigation and exoneration of Sarah Palin's alleged misconduct. "Well, I guess that's that." the head prosecutor reportedly said as he prepared to drop all pending investigation on the governor. "If the McCain campaign found her innocent, there's no point in us prying any further. It would be disrespectful."
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In unrelated news, inmates at a nearby maximum-security prison today held their own hearings on their own crimes, and cleared each other of all wrongdoing. They are all set to be released tomorrow morning, each receiving several tens of thousands of government dollars in wrongful imprisonment compensation.