Rose Garden
10:25 A.M. EDT
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Over the past few days, we have witnessed a startling drop in the stock market [No shit] -- much of it driven by uncertainty and fear. [Unless, of course, your entire savings just went up in smoke] This has been a deeply unsettling period for the American people. Many of our citizens have serious concerns about their retirement accounts, their investments, and their economic well-being. [Except the Bush family and the former CEOs of Lehman Brothers, Wachovia, and Washington Mutual.]
Here's what the American people need to know: that the United States government is acting; [Flailing] we will continue to act to resolve this crisis and restore stability to our markets. [We will continue to reward the financiers who created this mess with hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars.] We are a prosperous nation [debtor basket case] with immense resources and a wide range of tools [aircraft carriers] at our disposal. We're using these tools aggressively. [So watch your step, Mr. Ahmadinejad!]
The fundamental problem is this: [Watch my left hand as I so you don’t see what the right hand is doing.] As the housing market has declined, banks holding assets related to home mortgages have suffered serious losses. [We dropped the fed rate almost to zero back in the early 2000s to hide the dot-com recession.] As a result of these losses, many banks lack the capital or the confidence in each other to make new loans. [The financial community went on a drunken spree with no regulatory oversight and produced obscene profits at the expense of the structure of the economy.] In turn, our system of credit has frozen, which is keeping American businesses from financing their daily transactions -- and creating uncertainty throughout our economy. [Then when the shit inevitably hit the fan, they all came running to Washington begging for us to cover their asses.]
This uncertainty has led to anxiety among our people. [Again, no shit.] And that is understandable -- that anxiety can feed anxiety, and that can make it hard to see all that is being done to solve the problem. [Except when you have been evicted and/or lost your job – which, of course, is real anxiety.] The federal government has a comprehensive strategy and the tools necessary to address the challenges in our economy. [The federal government has no fucking clue what to do.] Fellow citizens: We can solve this crisis -- and we will. [Hey chumps: I’m outta here in three months and could give a rat’s ass.]
Here are the problems we face and the steps we are taking:
First, key markets are not functioning because there's a lack of liquidity -- the grease necessary to keep the gears of our financial system turning. [First, bend over while I grease you up.] So the Federal Reserve has injected hundreds of billions of dollars into the system. [Yeah, right – injected.] The Fed has joined with central banks around the world to coordinate a cut in interest rates. This rate cut will allow banks to borrow money more affordably -- and it should help free up additional credit necessary to create jobs, and finance college educations, and help American families meet their daily needs. The Fed has also announced a new program to provide support for the commercial paper market, which is freezing up. As the new program kicks in over the next week or so, it will help revive a key source of short-term financing for American businesses and financial institutions. [Our federal money managers will manage your money until the money is gone.]
Second, some Americans are concerned about whether their money is safe. [Second, some Americans don’t have to worry about their money any more – since most of it is gone.] So the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation and the National Credit Union Administration have significantly expanded the amount of money insured in savings accounts, and checking accounts, and certificates of deposit. That means that if you have up to $250,000 in one of these insured accounts, every penny of that money is safe. [We decided to increase the FDIC coverage to $250,000 to get Republican votes for the bailout.] The Treasury Department has also acted to restore confidence in a key element of America's financial system by offering government insurance for money market mutual funds. [The FDIC has no idea where it is going to come up with the moolah to cover these deposits if more banks go under.]
Thirdly, we are concerned that some investors could take advantage of the crisis to illegally manipulate the stock market. So the Securities and Exchange Commission has launched rigorous enforcement actions to detect fraud and manipulation in the market. [Thirdly, someone mentioned the Securities and Exchange Commisions yesterday.] The SEC is focused on preventing abusive practices, such as putting out false information to drive down particular stocks for personal gain. [I had Dick Cheney google it to find out what it was for.] Anyone caught engaging in illegal financial activities will be prosecuted. [Unless they happen to be big Republican donors.]
Fourth, the decline in the housing market has left many Americans struggling to meet their mortgages and are concerned about losing their homes. [Fourth, there are lots of wonderful homeless shelters in every American city.] My administration has launched two initiatives to help responsible borrowers keep their homes. [My mother told me that people have never had it so good.] One is called HOPE NOW, and it brings together homeowners and lenders and mortgage servicers, and others to find ways to prevent foreclosure. [Who put the word "Hope" in this speech?] The other initiative is aimed at making it easier for responsible homeowners to refinance into affordable mortgages insured by the Federal Housing Administration. [We are going to make sure that the mortgage-backed securities get covered.] So far, these programs have helped more than 2 million Americans stay in their home. And the point is this: If you are struggling to meet your mortgage, there are ways that you can get help. [If you are struggling to meet your mortgage, I suggest you learn how to steer a grocery cart.]
With these actions to help to prevent foreclosures, we're addressing a key problem in the housing market: The supply of homes now exceeds demand. And as a result, home values have declined. [Hint – your house ain’t worth shit any more. And you sure can’t sell it.] Once supply and demand balance out, our housing market will be able to recover -- and that will help our broader economy begin to grow. [By 2035, the housing market may have recovered.]
Fifth, we've seen that problems in the financial system are not isolated to the United States. [Fifth, we’ve managed to fuck up the entire world economy.] They're also affecting other nations around the globe. So we're working closely with partners around the world to ensure that our actions are coordinated and effective. [Sarkozy, Merkel, Brown, and the others are all scared shitless.] Tomorrow, I'll meet with the finance ministers from our partners in the G7 and the heads of the International Monetary Fund and World Bank. Secretary Paulson will also meet with finance ministers from the world's 20 leading economies. Through these efforts, the world is sending an unmistakable signal: We're in this together, and we'll come through this together. [The entire world economy may collapse – but, hey, who could have predicted that?]
And finally, American businesses and consumers are struggling to obtain credit, because banks do not have sufficient capital to make loans. [And finally, I'm going to quit soon so you can hit the mute button again.] So my administration worked with Congress to quickly pass a $700 billion financial rescue package. This new law authorizes the Treasury Department to use a variety of measures to help banks rebuild capital -- including buying or insuring troubled assets and purchasing equity of financial institutions. [I really pulled one over on Congress, yet again. And the Dems - Hah!] The Department will implement measures that have maximum impact as quickly as possible. Seven hundred billion dollars is a significant amount of money. And as we act, we will do it in a way that is effective. [This will make our response to Hurricane Katrina look like genius.]
The plan we are executing is aggressive. [Did I say we are planning on nuking Iran?] It is the right plan. [Any plan is better than none.] It will take time to have its full impact. [Your grandchildren will be grown before your 401(k) recovers.] It is flexible enough to adapt as the situation changes. [You can count on the markets to collapse further.] And it is big enough to work. [But in the meantime, we are going to make out like bandits.]
The federal government will continue to take the actions necessary to restore stability to our financial markets and growth to our economy. [The federal government will continue to pour hundreds of billions of dollars into the coffers of those who stole it in the first place. The economy is going to shrink dramatically.] We have an outstanding economic team carrying out this effort, led by Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, SEC Chairman Chris Cox, and FDIC Chair Sheila Bair. [We have an outstanding economic team carrying out this effort, led by Curley, Larry, and Moe.] I thank them and their dedicated teams for their service during this important moment in our country's history. [I thank them for providing me cover.]
This is an anxious time, but the American people can be confident in our economic future. [What economic future?] We know what the problems are, [We are clueless,] we have the tools we need to fix them, [we are going to bail out our buddies and let everybody else drown,] and we're working swiftly to do so. [and make cooing noises on occasion to distract the masses.] Our economy is innovative, industrious and resilient because the American people who make up our economy are innovative, industrious and resilient. [Our economy is controlled by fewer and fewer multinationals that have outsourced and offshored millions of jobs – and what’s left is mired in a mountain of debt.] We all share a determination to solve this problem -- and that is exactly what we're going to do. [Did I already say that we haven’t got a clue?] May God bless you. [God help you – ‘cause you’re gonna need it.]