Making a confession like this is not easy. Failed homeowners like me have been called out for crashing the global economy. I know a lot of innocent people have been destroyed as well, but some of us cannot escape culpability for this global nightmare. I have to fess up.
I did it.
You see, back when I was in business school, I heard about an exciting, new financial instrument called a Mortgage-Backed Security. All the cool bankers were doing it. It was based on home loans given to people who were on the cusp of homeownership and just needed a little boost. It had low introductory rates and relaxed requirements, and banks were tossing them around like candy at a homecoming parade.
If everything went well, say the people who got these mortgages took a better job and their home values kept rising, they would grab their piece of the American Dream. The securities would be worth millions. If things went badly, no big deal, maybe the rest of the mortgages would be paid. There was upside if the economy kept churning out jobs and values kept rising. And the downside? Well, never mind that.
But I was born a card-carrying cynic, and I saw the downside in full color. That’s when I created my diabolical plan to destroy the global economy. There's more to my plan below.
I knew the first thing I would have to do was make it look like an accident. I would be like everyone else, going for my own piece of the American Dream, then fail disastrously, in a way that brought others down with me. I found a wife, and threw a big wedding for 200 people. We used up some savings, and put some of the cost on credit cards, just to make it look realistic. Then we set off to buy the house I would eventually plan to lose.
The house was a cute little rowhouse - nothing too opulent, but that was before I took a hammer to it. We refinanced, added a deck and a bathroom, renovated the kitchen, and with my own two hands, I made changes that affected the floor plan. The little house was our own oasis in the middle of a bustling town. We had the white picket fence and the two trees along the driveway. Everybody, including my wife, thought I had every intention of keeping the place. That was when I kicked my evil plan into high gear.
The first thing I did was lose my job. It didn’t look like my fault, since the company went under. But I chose the company exactly because I knew it was going to collapse. They told me they were doing great, but they never realized that their lie would play right into my hands. I cut back expenses and started temping, just to keep the facade of struggle and strife.
We decided to open a business and create some jobs. I knew this sounded like the opposite of bringing global ruin, but bear with me. If the business failed, it was all part of the plan. If it grew, the disaster would be even bigger when it finally came crashing down. We got the permits, renovated a retail space, hired people, advertised, and started getting customers. We even got a gas-guzzling van for good measure. The plan was coming together nicely.
Then the winter hit, and energy costs skyrocketed. People stopped coming because they were busy trying not to freeze. I thanked my lucky stars that I was getting so much help from the oil cartels. Maybe I could pull this plan off and never get caught. Before the following year ended, we had closed the business, and were in foreclosure on the house.
I was getting away with it. We were among the first to lose everything in order to support my plan, but that was only phase one. While cable channels trumpeted "Flip This House" programs, and everybody still crowed about "GDP" and "Consumer Confidence" on the rise, I got started with a smaller car, renting a house, clipping up credit cards, and shopping locally. Boy did that throw a monkeywrench into the system.
Home Depot, Olive Garden and Target all sent me letters telling me they missed my business. Wachovia and Chase told me they wanted me back. Nothing doing, I told them, never letting them in on my secret plan. I was eating homecooked food, and I was getting spoiled.
They were teetering, and they and I knew it, even if nobody else did. My efforts to undermine Wall Street’s financial power was finally working. Companies started laying off people by the hundreds, then thousands. Oil spiked, and suddenly Consumer Confidence didn’t look so great. I watched the stock market and the job market with glee. Before long, the media noticed. They started whispering "recession", then began to say the word as if talking at a cocktail party. Corporate sycophants kept shouting them down with diminishing effect.
Finally, the coup de grace: Somebody in actual power announced that a catastrophe was about to occur, if congress didn’t hurry up and do something that would make the situation even worse. I sat back and laughed an evil laugh straight out of a 1950s horror flick. My plan had succeeded. Singlehandedly, I demolished an economy that had grown based on regulatory control and collective effort for 70 years.
For me, it was eight long years of struggle to achieve the catastrophe that has enveloped the lives of just about everyone on Earth. While the wealthy cry over the loss of their third yacht, and the middle class lose jobs and homes, never to regain the financial footing they once enjoyed, retirees head back to Wal-Mart to wear the blus smock, and poor people all over starve and freeze, I will take solace in knowing that only my incredible power of foresight could cause this calamity, or so the radio and Fox News now tell me.
I admit it feels good to come clean and confess, even though I know I caused so much hardship for people who did not deserve it. You might ask, "Why did you do this?" Go ahead. Ask me.
As the movie line goes: Because I’m evil. That’s why.
This is cross-posted at My Left One.