King Snarkfest III of Sweden today announced that George W. Bush would be given a special Nobel Peace Prize for destroying the Republican party.
"We just wanted to honor this significant accomplishment in the cause of world peace while Mr. Bush still had a working telephone," the king said.
Prime Minister Ole Snarkquist said Bush would not pick up the award in person because of problems with air travel. "While we are not a super power that can enforce a worldwide ‘Don’t Fly List,’ we do maintain a ‘Don’t Fly Here List’ and have no intention of removing Bush’s name," the prime minister said.
Asked if it was a joke, Snarkquist said, "Kissinger was a joke. We are serious about this one."
Asked why John McCain and Sarah Palin did not share in the prize, Snarkquist declined to comment other than to say next year there would be a Nobel Prize for Bad Chemistry.
Bush’s declining popularity has caused him to all but disappear as John McCain dispirits the remnants of the Republican party with his erratic campaign. In the popularity ratings of U.S. presidents, Bush has fallen from 43rd to 78th. Pollster Jonathan Snarknosey said enough respondents are inserting voluntary responses that Bush has fallen below last place. "You wouldn’t think that a significant number of people would fondly remember the presidency of Samuel L. Jackson, but the box office sensation is now rated above Bush," Snarknosey said. "Often people say of Jackson, ‘At least he tried, and he wasn’t totally clueless.’"
Norbert R. Snarkmortar, dean of the school of political science and home economics, at All Saints and Devils College in No Hope, Pa., said legacies are bad for fraternities and worse for presidential politics. "John Quincy Adams had only one term and the Harrisons, grandfather and grandson, didn’t come out well either," Snarkmortar said. "We’ve been waiting for the Bush collapse. It came late but it came hard."
"If he is remembered at all, it will be for the Bush Doctrine," said the professor. He explained the doctrine as a belief in pointless war, unaffordable tax cuts for people who don’t need them, incompetence in all endeavors, trillions of dollars in waste and unregulated markets trading financial instruments designed by sociopaths. "Bush himself gambled trillions in taxpayer money in the volatile Chickens-Come-Home-To-Roost Swaps market."
As for what’s next, Snarkmortar said the Republicans will survive, but won’t be the nation’s second-largest party anymore. "Blue Dog Democrats and many surviving Republican officeholders will form some type of centrist party," he said. "Lieberman will probably lead a religious party that will favor grounding U.S.-flag cruise ships on Saturdays and funneling money to Focus on the Family."
"Closeted gay Republicans will probably form the fourth-largest party, but there will be difficulties in determining how they will identify themselves, and who will be the ‘whip,’" Snarkmortar said. "The Alaska Independence party will thrive as more people in the Lower 48 become anxious to see the Alaskans go. Republicans could be the sixth largest party and could even hold governorships in Mormon states and Alabama."
Seriously, it’s not over. Work hard. Canvass. Donate. Hit them while they are down.