Once upon a time, a great mass of flesh and gas was molded into the form of a human. Fresh out of brains, the thing’s creator instead opted for vitriolic Far-Right talking points. Instead of a soul, he opted for the scraped remnants of 30 year old grease traps. He would name his monster Hannity, and it would wreak havoc on the airwaves.
Kept in an isolated cell, the Hannity was left alone with only it’s talking points to keep it company, and it was becoming more and more clear to it’s creator that his moster needed a companion. So, he took a few old sweat socks, wrapped them around a two-by-four, and stuck a cantelope on top. In a fit of humor, the creator decided to name the monster’s compainion after something the thing would never need-Combs. Not wanting to appear too cruel, he changed the spelling at bit, and settled on Colmes.
The Hannity and his simpering sidekick enjoyed a reign of malevolence for a number of years, finding a comfortable morass to settle in called Ailes’ Swamp and make themselves at home. They had a grumpy neighbor called Bill-O the Troll, but no one took him seriously as he was constantly re-inventing himself with the shifting winds. They were happy, the Hannity and his pathetic whelp, until one day in 2008. November 4th, specifically.
The Hannity had spent the last year railing aginst not a local villager, but a man from a far away place called Chicago. Having spent little time outside Ailes’ Swamp, they had no idea how to attack this man. Not realizing that what they saw as a Wright tactic would backfire, they attempted that to no avail. They thought if they pointed out that unlike the creatures in Ailes’ Swamp, the man was decidedly brown, the nearby villagers would be frightened and take up arms against the man. No dice. Having run out of solid ideas, they decided that the best thing to do would be to put on Ayers and throw ACORNs, but that didn’t work either. The man was simply impervious to talking points and smears.
Then came that fateful day, Nov. 4th. The Hannity found out that the man had become the President. His rage became unchecked. He ran amok through Ailes’ Swamp, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. He bellowed for Bill-O the Troll, but he was no where to be found. Having sensed the changing winds, the Troll had re-invented himself as a sports caster, and was working for a cable-access station in Sacramento calling hockey games so he could be around white people. White hot with rage, the grease began to boil where the Hannity’s soul should have been, causing a chain reaction throughout the monster. The great, bloviating beast’s head exploded, and his massive carcass sank slowly into the swamp-never to be heard from again.