The old line for liberals faced with conservative rule is "I'll move to Canada if X wins!" I heard one story about a misinformed conservative planning on running to Canada, not knowing that it has gay marriage, socialized health care, etc.
Thus, as a public service our conservative brethren (and sistren), I have prepared this handy guidebook.
So You Want to Flee the Country? A Travel Guide to Finding a New Conservative Home
Greetings! If you are reading this, you are apoplectic at the thought of four years (and don't even think about eight, am I right?) of liberal, socialist rule by someone who McCain seemed quite sure was a terrorist until that concession speech of his. Now, you are cast out into a sea of confusion--where is the home you once knew? Never fear! You too can find a home away from home!
There are 195 countries in the world, so how hard should it be to find a new home? Well, as a discerning conservative, you can't just go anywhere! Let's begin looking at our options.
The first problem with foreign countries, and it is a significant one, is that they are full of foreigners. Brace yourself for a hard truth: Every country outside of the United States of America is full of foreigners. This is one troubling fact that you will have to grin and bear. So let's see what we can do to minimize further discomfort.
First, let's eliminate all countries that don't speak a lot of English. This will limit the amount of awkward flailing and pointing you have to do to get your point across to the times when you see something completely inappropriate, such as health care for poor people.
So, how many English-speaking people do you need to have around to feel comfortable? To keep our options open, let's say you need 1 million English speakers in a country to keep your chances of effective communication high. According to our sources, This means we've eliminated all but 52 countries. 51, if you don't count the liberal-overrun United States.
Now, what countries can we eliminate next?
France: Too French!
Russia and China: Full of communists!
Kenya: They just love You-Know-Who there.
South Africa, Nigeria, Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Sierra Leone, Uganda, Liberia, Zambia, Jamaica, Ghana, Papua New Guineau: Had a black president YEARS before we did!
Cameroon: A black president who speaks FRENCH! WTF?
Mexico: The irony of fleeing across the border to escape those fleeing the other direction is just too much for your little head to bear. Trust us.
Trinidad and Tobago: You can't even decide what your country is?!? Flip-flopper!
Poland, Sweden, Romania, Finland, Denmark, Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovakia, Bulgaria: Putin rears his ugly head near here often, and there's no Sarah Palin on the front lines to protect you!
Puerto Rico: Has been sending Hispanics into the U.S. for years, cleverly avoiding customs and immigration through some nonsense about technically being American citizens. Don't believe a word of it!
Canada: All the liberals who ran from Bush in 2000 and 2004 are waiting for us!
This leaves us with the following short list:
India, United Kingdom, Philippines, Germany, Australia, Pakistan, Italy, Netherlands, Spain, Malaysia, Belgium, Greece, Austria, Ireland, New Zealand, Bangladesh, Portugal, Hong Kong, Sri Lanka, Turkey, Croatia, and Singapore.
And yet, this list is still imperfect:
Greece: As any good conservative knows that we must know what our neighbors are doing at all times, in case they've suddenly decided to become terrorists. As this map shows, the only country willing to put up "adequate safeguards" against surveillance societies is Greece. Sounds more like "dangerguards" to me!
Singapore: We seem to recall an incident where Singapore, despite the wishes of the U.S., caned an American citizen. We don't stand with Americans being subject to the laws of other countries. Heck, we don't do so in Iraq, do we? I'd rather stay home!
England: Sounds tempting, and even has a party called the "Conservative" party. How cool is that, right? Except, here are some of the things the so-called "Conservative" party supports: Gay marriage, Nationalized health care, increasing aid spending to Africa, spotted dick. Thanks, but no thanks!
Indeed, gay marriage can help us eliminate a few more on this list. Buh-bye, Netherlands, Spain, and Belgium! Civil unions are suspect too, so we'll have to chuck out Germany and New Zealand. Also, according to our sources, there's something called "Unregistered cohabitation." Not sure what THAT is, but we definitely agree that those cohabitators should all be registered! So, that eliminates Australia, Austria, Portugal, and Croatia.
Well, that still leaves us with a fair number of countries, so let's bring out that time-honored, presidential election-tested gauge of moral fortitude: Guilt by association!
Malaysia: Their prime minister served on a board with none other than Fidel Castro! Ack!
Ireland: Their president is a trial lawyer, and was a founding member of a group that worked to decriminalize homosexuality! Gasp!
Hong Kong: Taken over by China! Also, its head of state, according to our sources, is, and I quote: "known for his flamboyant style"! I think not!
India: Their president, according to our sources, was associated with two cooperatives. Sounds socialist enough, but one, a sugar factory, turned out to be the cover for a drug-trafficking ring! This woman has clearly embraced the dangers of community organizing. Ugh!
Italy: We didn't hear exactly what he said, but Silvio Berlusconi praised Obama as young, handsome, and...something. We forget. That being said, we wouldn't dare send you someplace whose leaders hold Obama in such high regard. Avoid!
Turkey: And you thought going to elementary school in a foreign country was a recipe for disaster! Turkey's president, according to our sources, was a member of an Islamist-nationalist movement when he was in college! How unAmerican!
Sri Lanka: Their president, according to our sources, had "a few cameo roles as a movie actor in a few Sinhalese movies". Sounds like a leader beholden to Hollywood liberals, to me!
This leaves us with but two countries, dear conservative travelers. Pack your bags, because here comes your runner up!
The Philippines:
Pros:
*A former U.S. commonwealth
*The wide availability of McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, and Starbucks means you won't go hungry!
*90% Christian
*The current ruler, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, is alleged to have rigged the 2004 elections, and has used proclamations to allow warrantless arrests of citizens. She has also charged leftist activists with rebellion--and who hasn't wanted to do that!
Cons:
*Street names are in Spanish
*Not so Caucasian. Like, REALLY not. You'll get used to it.
But, if that doesn't suit you, then we present you with THE destination for dejected conservatives:
Pakistan!
Yes, Pakistan! This former British colony, nuclear power, and United Nations member provides all the comforts of home! You'll thrill at the sun-kissed beaches, cheer on their Olympic-gold-winning hockey team, and proudly salute it's strong military, the seventh largest in the world! (Still more than Iran, which is better than those pansies in France can say!)
And just look at the stalwart conservatives who endorse the country:
Yes, George W. himself adores Pakistan! But that's not all!
Conservatives! Who more do you trust on foreign travels than Sarah Palin! Look at her! I bet she's planning a trip there right now! They don't have any moose, but they do have this...thing...whatever it is:
So, happy travels, conservatives! Send postcards! Just stay on your guard...we hear there are some pretty shifty characters up in the mountains...