Citing the recent drop in the price of crude oil, its resulting impact on revenue to the Bin Laden family, and the general reversal of fortunes of the organization relative to the United States after the election of Barack Obama as President, Al Qaeda today announced plans to seek a bailout under the U.S. government’s Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP).
Speaking on a video released earlier today, current Al Qaeda deputy director Ayman Al-Zawahiri announced the organization’s intention to seek bailout protection.
Economic conditions are such that we will require bridge financing from the Great Satan so that we can continue to provide services to the Great Satan in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and in emerging markets. Once economic conditions have stabilized, we are confident that the Great Satan will be repaid many times over in blood of the Infidel.
Richard Perle, architect of the Iraq invasion, heralded the decision as one vital to the continued success of the Global War on Terror.
Our ability to defeat Al Qaeda depends on having a healthy Al Qaeda with an identifiable presence in Iraq and Afghanistan. We cannot allow Al Qaeda to go underground.
When asked if driving Al Qaeda underground wasn’t the object of fighting it in the first place, Perle maintained that the reporter "did not understand the complexity of asymmetrical warfare."
Senator Pat Roberts of Kansas, former Chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and longtime Al Qaeda supporter, echoed the sentiments of Perle, and stressed the need to act quickly on any bailout.
As we approach the holidays, it is vital that we have an identifiable enemy in theater. Otherwise, our patriotic contractors, such as Blackwater and Haliburton would simply be murdering civilians. Having a credible Al Qaeda presence will ensure that we avoid any unnecessary and unflattering public relations problems.
The bailout is not without its critics. Senator Joe Lieberman stressed that it must be made clear that an Al Qaeda rescue will be limited to its own particular circumstances, and that this act should not be a signal to other organizations, such as Hamas and Hezbollah that they can expect the same treatment.
I have worked very hard to see that both Hamas and Hezbollah are strong, viable entities whose continued survival and growth is assured by political and not economic conditions. Hamas now has access to a government treasury, and in Lebanon, it should be only a short drive to the nearest weapons stockpile for any Hezbollah member.
Spokespersons for Hamas and Hezbollah could not be reached for comment.
If Al Qaeda were to default on its obligations, it is unlikely the organization would cease to exist altogether. The Carlyle Group, a private equity firm and longtime supporter of Al Qaeda through its partner, the Saudi government, is looking into the possibility of taking on some of Al Qaeda’s major assets. Former President George H.W. Bush, a principal with Carlyle, took an upbeat tone when discussing an Al Qaeda breakup.
We at Carlyle are always looking for promising opportunities, and we feel that taking a more active role in extra-governmental terror production, especially in Iraq, will provide a nice balance to our investments in hardware, software, and staffing to our military presence in that country, such that we feel the Global War On Terror can be maintained at 2006 levels for decades to come.
When asked if helping Al Qaeda, an organization dedicated to the destruction of the United States, was such a good idea, Treasury Secretary Paulson was adamant that the risks were simply not significant when compared to the chaos that could ensue if Al Qaeda were not given this assistance.
We simply cannot wait and let the situation deteriorate. Even a small interruption in terrorist services could cause a serious overcapacity among our contractors, and result in the loss of thousands of six-figure jobs. The economy simply cannot be saddled with the prospect of an infusion of unemployed individuals into the domestic workforce pool, especially since they are armed and on steroids.
When asked whether the Al Qaeda bailout would come with major oversight so that the American Taxpayer can know where the money is going, or even how much Al Qaeda will get, Paulson was equally as adamant.
That’s not how Al Qaeda works, and we should not expect a major change in the organization’s operations.
UPDATE: Wow, the Rec List? For this? I just want say thanks, and this honor will not change me at all. I will still be the same sarcastic, cynical SOB I always was.