Just for fun.
It's Sunday night ... the economy is in the tank, Obama isn't POTUS yet, but we can still laugh.
A few of my favorites below the fold; put yours in the comments.
- A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he's lost. He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy "Can you tell me where I am and where I'm headed?"
"Sure. You're at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144
degrees 4 minute and 19 seconds East; you're at an altitude of 762
meters above sea level, and right now you're hovering, but you were on a
vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second"
"Amazing! Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger's Syndrome?"
"I do! How did you know that?"
"Because everything you said is true, it's much more detail than I
need, and you told me in a way that's no use to me at all."
"Huh. Are you a clinical psychologist?"
"I am, but how the heck did you know that??"
"You don't know where you are. You don't know where you're going. You
got where you are by blowing hot air. You put labels on people after
asking a few questions, and you're in exactly the same spot you were 5
minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!
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- A guy goes to a tailor to have a suit made. The tailor takes his measurements and tells him to come back in a month.
"A MONTH!!!???? It only took God 6 days to make the whole universe!"
"Nu? Look at it!"
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- A Texan and a Jew are sitting next to each other on a plane. They get to talking. The Texan asks the Jew if he owns property.
J: "Yeah, I got property"
T: "Well.... how big is your property?"
J: "In front, maybe 100 feet, and in back, a good 120 feet"
T: "100 feet!!!! On my ranch in Texas, I can get in my car at 9 in the morning, drive all day, and, at 5 oclock I will still be on my property"
J: "Oy! I had a car like that once!"
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- Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Moses hits a nice shot, nothing special. Jesus hits a horrible slice into the woods. An eagle swoops down, picks up the ball, and drops it on the green. A woodchuck runs out of the woods and pushes the ball to the edge of the hole. Then the Earth tilts. Hole in one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says "You wanna play golf, or you wanna screw around?"
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My father recently got married, and I told this joke ....
One day, David Ben Gurion has a dream that he has died. God says "you're David Ben Gurion, whatever you would like, I'll do."
So, he asks to see hell. It's GREAT. People are eating and drinking and talking and dancing; there's great music, a lively atmosphere, it's wonderful. Then he asks to see heaven. Very boring. No talking or anything.
In the morning, he wakes up.
A few years later, he actually does die, and, just like in his dream, God asks what he wants. He opt for hell.
"Are you sure?" says God. "Yes, I saw it in a dream"
It's horrible! They work dawn to dusk, it's hot, there's no food, there's no water .... He goes to complain:
"When I was here in my dream, it was great .... what's the deal?"
"Ahhhh.... then you were a tourist. Now you live here.
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add your own