Dear Fellow Democrat:
How was your Holiday Christmas season? We hope that it was good. It was a booming success for us in Congress -- we got so much fucking coal in our stockings that we will be able to heat the Capital building for the remainder of the winter.
The reason that we are writing you today is to let you know that we have heard your complaints. We understand your visceral anger and disappointment in us. And we agree. Our behavior over the past 8 years has been inexcusable.
Let's face the truly horrific truth: we have failed you. When a presidential administration illegally tortured people, illegally wiretapped American citizens, started a war based on lies -- we let it happen. His people leaked the name of a CIA operative, and we stood by.
We looked the other way while treaties were ignored.
We didn't intervene when environmental laws were stripped of their power.
When we were asked to structure the tax code to benefit the ultra-wealthy, we didn't bat an eyelash. When the administration changed the rules to benefit the richest people in the world, while the middle class and the poor suffered immensely, we sat there with our thumbs up our asses.
Our thumbs, fully inserted into our asses as we spent over $1,000,000,000,000 of YOUR money to bail out the richest motherfuckers who have ever walked the earth in all of human history. Goddamn, that's a lot of fucking zeros. And the whole time, you were suffering. Wondering if you'd still have a job next month. Wondering how you'll pay the mortgage, put food on the table, fund your child's education, pay your medical bills.
We know you're mad, and you have every right to be.
But we're ready to make it up to you. We're turning over a new leaf.
It is time for us to stop being such spineless wimps and cowards. It's time for us to start being RESPONSIBLE with taxpayer dollars.
We are done giving the president everything he wants. In fact, you know what? Fuck him. From now on, the president gets NOTHING that he wants.
You heard us right.
If President Obama wants higher taxes for the wealthy, we will fight him tooth and claw.
Health care coverage for everyone? Take a hike, Mister President!
Money for new "green jobs" and improved energy efficiency? We will strongly oppose any such plans from President Obama.
Jobs programs and government spending on infrastructure? We have all this dry powder and we've been itching to use it.
And if President Obama nominates a progressive voice as his pick for a Supreme Court vacancy, we will bring down the fire of a thousand suns upon his head.
No more Strongly Worded Letters for us. No, we have heard your demands that we stand up to the president, grow a spine, and fight. And that's exactly what we intend to do. We will make you so proud of us -- we'll be the most ferocious warriors the US Capitol has ever seen.
Now, we know what you're thinking. We do not yet have the full 60 votes that we need to have a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. This has been a problem in the past. But once the Republicans see what fierce warriors we have become, we believe that we will be able to convince several of the Republicans to cross the aisle and help us oppose President Obama and his plans for this country.
Sincerely,
Congressional Democrats
01/21/2009
PS Here is a picture of a cat.