The cover note said to put up a diary publishing it immediately. Yes ma'am! - SD]
I am informed that your host here, a Mr. Markos Moulitsas (who I can only assume operates some dreadful restaurant in Astoria) has been, what is the term you use?, getting in my face about my interest in serving the little people of New York as their representative in the United States Senate, like my martyered father and martyred uncle and not-well-at-all-but-still-struggling-for-the-good-of-society uncle have before me. I am told, therefore -- sigh! -- that I have to come out here and meet you and "get to know" you and tell you my positions on the iss-shews.
Very well. I was warned that this might happen. Let us begin.
I want you to know first of all that I am very fond of commoners. I have, indeed, been raised by commoners for much of my life, and have hired them to raise my own children, and instructed my children in no uncertain terms that they should do the same. So do not think that I have lacked contact with commoners. Oh, no, indeed!
I am attuned as well to the major iss-shews facing the country today. For example, I want to continue my mother's civic beautification efforts, as well as those of that woman who succeeded my mother in office, the one who was married to that cretinous Johnson man with the dogs and the musky smell, and that of many other leaders in our country.
I believe in education. I think that every child should be educated, and if it has to be a public school -- I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit faint, may I have a sip of cognac? Thank you ever so -- then so be it! (Whew!)
I am willing to sell my private jet if I must.
I believe that charging $20 to get into MOMA is a crime, and that we should scale it back to $18 immediately.
I oppose all double-parking. Making those detestable FedEx and UPS drivers park where there is an open space and lug the packages to where they belong while a second driver circles the block will create jobs.
If elected Senator from New York, I promise to visit all five of its boroughs every year!
I believe that the American government was behind 9/11, but that it's really very sorry.
I am against any animal testing not done in a tasteful matter.
I used to pronounce "Camelot" incorrectly. That turned out to be terribly embarrassing.
As you know, I wrote a book on privacy. I would tell you what is in it, but it's private.
I believe that their should be fewer cars on the road and more horses. With carriages, like in Central Park. Wouldn't that be lovely?
I have been asked about melamine and China. Personally, I would not mix them. I favor melamine-coated dinnerware for children under six, after which they simply must learn to eat like proper adults.
I have looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes and frankly I was unimpressed. He was not soulful in the least.
I can wiggle my ears, watch! Isn't that just a scream?
My position on free trade is ... I agree with whatever Chuck Schumer says.
Regarding the automobile company bailout, I am willing to match donations up to a reasonable degree.
I think that Barack Obama is dreamy. I really do.
I believe that we need to take our troops out of Iraq before someone gets hurt.
I once ate a goat. The whole thing. It took me all day. It was a small goat, admittedly.
My cousin used to be married to Andrew Cuomo. Discretion keeps me from saying more. A whole lot of discretion, if you catch my drift!
I believe that Americans have a right to health care. So whichever one of you goes by the name "New York City evening," I think it is, can please stop noodging me now.
On the subject of agricultural subsidies ... I could not be less interested. We don't have agriculture in New York, do we?
I believe that credit card interest rates are too wide.
I believe that we should locate loose nuclear weapons and tighten them!
I believe that anyone who has ever dated one of my male cousins should be tested.
So far as holding elected office goes, I was elected Vice-President of my condominum association, although that should be pronounced "Veese-Prayzidont," because it was the vacation home in Paris. It was quelle worque!
I can see New Jersey from my penthouse!
I favor changing the exemption in section 535(b)(3)(L)(iv) of the tax code from 4% to ... ha, ha, I'm just making that up!
I believe that I was Joan of Arc in a previous life. It just makes sense to me.
I don't actually think that there need to be elections anymore for my seat once I'm appointed, by the way. I mean, really!
Thank you for your attention and I look forward to your support -- you get to support a Kennedy! -- now and probably forever.
ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!