I didn't hear or see Bush's Farewell Address today and I can't quite bring myself to click on the video. But from the quotes I've seen in news reports, I don't think he was quite as true to himself as some commentators seem to think. So, I have taken the liberty of writing my own Farewell Address for George W. Bush, one that I think suits him a bit better.
My Fellow Americans:
I was going to be ready to wrap up a great Administration for you before I left, but I wrote the wrong due date in my notebook so I'm not ready. I think I can get it to you next week or the week after.
I know that I didn't really finish what I said I was going to do in Iraq, but I think I deserve partial credit.
I did say that we'd bring back Osama bin Laden dead or alive, but I had a stomach ache, so it was kind of hard for me to get anything done.
I wasn't prepared for being tested by an attack on our country because I had read the wrong chapter.
The plans for job creation were on my hard disk, and it crashed. No, I never backed them up.
No one could have anticipated that total deregulation would have led to more greed and lawbreaking. Anyway, economics is really complicated and I think you should keep that in mind when you give me a grade.
I had come up with reasons why my policies on surveillance and habeas corpus are not a problem according the Constitution, but before I could hand them in my dog got to them and ate them. No, I didn't make a copy.
Also I was never told that Katrina was going to be part of the test.
Anyway, I did mail in my plans to address Global Warming. If you didn't get them, it's probably some screw-up at the Post Office.
I hope that you will keep all of this in mind as you assign me a grade. I know that a lot of smug, entitled, intellectually incurious, pigheaded, bullheaded, boneheaded, snotty, sadistic rich kids like me have failed History over the years, but I hate being the one who also Failed History.
P.S.: If it makes a difference in my grade, I can get a note from my Dad.