Last night, President George W. Bush gave his last address to the nation. No more beady little blinks into the camera. No more condescending explanations about the definitions of words that we already know but which he apparently just learned this afternoon. No more "terror fear attack terrorist fear fear" speeches.
On Tuesday, this country will get a president who is intelligent and thoughtful. He'll have a press secretary who is informed and articulate and not fucking evil. And thus, our time is over, for now.
This, below the fold, is the final Dubya Show of all time. The Series Finale. As always, Bush's quotes are thick and bold, like in real life. My comments are in plain text.
Enjoy.
Thank you. Fellow citizens, for eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your president.
Has it only been eight years? I guess time doesn't fly when you're not having fun.
The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence, a time set apart.
...an abject disaster, a total shitpile. An epoch of unmitigated misery, an era of bunglefuckery.
Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey we have traveled together and the future of our nation.
I have also asked to borrow of those "thought" thingamajigs. And so to begin, what a long, strange trip it has been...
Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people.
And after a 16-year gap, it's about to happen again.
Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land.
Specifically, he'll be standing on the steps of a building constructed through the labor of African slaves, swearing to uphold a Constitution which once would have considered him 60% of a person.
This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife, Michelle, and their two beautiful girls.
Accordingly, I have also instructed my staff to steal all the "O" keys from the keyboards in the White House. And the "zero" keys too, just in case.
Tonight, I am filled with gratitude to Vice President Cheney and members of the administration;
Yes, thank you Dick Cheney and other members of the administration, for making me appear marginally less evil by comparison. No matter what happens, history will always remember me as the guy who DIDN'T shoot his friend in the face with a shotgun.
to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna;
to the press, for not reporting half the shit I've done; to Joe Lieberman and other selected Congressional "Democrats" who let me get away with literal murder; to Osama bin Laden, who transformed me from a shitty president with mediocre approval ratings to a shitty president with phenominal cosmic powers.
to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime.
For example, the strength to not let war dead disturb my beautiful mind, or the strength to declare that things were "working out very well" for people who had lost everything in a hurricane while I ate birthday cake.
And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me.
Trust which I have repaid by wrapping my dick in sandpaper and fucking America in the asshole.
I thank you for the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years.
And keep this in mind, America. Most of that courage, generosity, and grace has been in response to shit I've fucked up. For example, when I dropped the ball on terrorism in the summer of 2001, and planes hit the World Trade Center, we all saw the courage of people running into the burning buildings. I CAUSED THAT COURAGE, PEOPLE! And when Americans have come together in these tough economic times, helping the newly homeless or people with catastrophic health conditions and no insurance -- I'M THE ONE WHO CAUSED THAT GENEROSITY!
And frankly, I feel I don't get nearly enough credit for that.
This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house, September 11, 2001. That morning, terrorists took nearly 3,000 lives in the worst attack on America since Pearl Harbor.
That morning evokes such vivid memories for me. A goat who eats everything. A girl who loves that goat. Parents who want to send the goat away. And a goat who redeems himself through the heroic act of stopping a car theif.
Yes, there were many heroes that clear September morning. And as I sat there in that kindergarten classroom, as emergency responders were rushing up the stairs of the buildings that would become their tombs, I stared dumbly into space and thought, "Goddamn goats are cool. I gotta get me a goat."
But like I said the other day, there have been some disappointments in my administration. None bigger than the fact that I never got a goat.
I remember standing in the rubble of the World Trade Center three days later, surrounded by rescuers who had been working around the clock. I remember talking to brave souls who charged through smoke-filled corridors at the Pentagon and to husbands and wives whose loved ones became heroes aboard Flight 93.
Yes, I remember like it was yesterday -- standing in the wreckage of my biggest fuck-up ever. Shouting into a bullhorn things like, "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."
I remember Arlene Howard, who gave me her fallen son's police shield as a reminder of all that was lost. And I still carry his badge.
And sometimes I use that badge to play a little game of "Cops and Robbers" with Condi. I show her my badge, she says she's being racially profiled, I whip out my handcuffs, and one thing leads to another.
As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. And I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe.
You might be asking yourself, "Why weren't you receiving daily security briefings BEFORE 9/11? And why weren't you vowing to do everything in your power to keep us safe BEFORE 9/11?"
To those people I say... fuck you. It's easy to be a Monday morning quarterback, isn't it? Hindsight is 20/20. Sure, NOW it sounds like paying attention to security threats is a good idea. But who could have known that before September 11?
Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created.
And they have had many stunning successes, including stopping many plots to bring more than 3 ounces of hair gel onto an airplane, and deciding which color terror alert level Fox News should put on their banner on any given day.
The military, the intelligence community and the FBI have been transformed. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements, freeze their finances and break up their plots.
Yes, so many tools indeed. But enough about Michael Chertoff.
And with strong allies at our side, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them.
Yes, such strong allies as Macedonia, Tonga, Eritrea and... who am I forgetting? Oh yeah. Poland.
Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al Qaeda and stoned women in the streets to a young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school.
Of course, many of those girls still face significant threats when they attempt to go to school. And much of the problems of Afghanistan have migrated over to Pakistan, which has nuclear weapons and where the Taliban has -- you know what? Fuck it. Mission accomplished, anyway.
Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States.
Yes, Iraq has become quite the shining star of democracy in the Middle East.
There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions, but there can be little debate about the results.
No, seriously, there can be little debate about the results. I mean it. Shut up.
America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. This is a tribute to those who toil day and night to keep us safe -- law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States armed forces.
And my magic terrorist repellant spray. I have sprayed it into the air every day since 9/11 and -- you guessed it -- no terrorist attacks. I got a good deal on it when I purchased it along with a can of magic giant asteroid repellant spray, which has kept giant asteroids from crashing into Earth. You're welcome.
Our nation is blessed to have citizens who volunteer to defend us in this time of danger. I have cherished meeting these selfless patriots and their families. And America owes you a debt of gratitude.
And to all our men and women in uniform listening tonight, there has been no higher honor than serving as your commander in chief.
Especially when you let me dress up and pretend to land that plane on the aircraft carrier.
The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subservience and marks unbelievers for murder.
Wait... he's talking about the other guys here, right? Right?
The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God
Is that what our system is based on? "Almighty God"?
and that liberty and justice light the path to peace.
This explains the wars, bombing, attacks and destruction that have punctuated my administration. No Liberty + No Justice = No Peace. I would have read that on a sign somewhere, if peaceful demonstrators were allowed in the same zip code as me without being locked in a chain-link cage.
This is the belief that gave birth to our nation. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens.
We're pretty sure about this -- we've tried all the other ways during my presidency, so it's really the only thing left to try.
When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror. When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism.
And 2000 doesn't count, because really, Al Gore won more votes in Florida.
So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights and human dignity.
Through spying on citizens, torture, indefinite imprisonment, bombing civilians, letting poor people drown during hurricanes...
We are standing with dissidents and young democracies
While dissidents in our own young democracy are frequently arrested or locked away in "free speech zones".
providing AIDS medicine to bring dying patients back to life
Patients who might not have had AIDS in the first place if we didn't make "condom" a dirty word in third-world countries.
and sparing mothers and babies from malaria.
Of course, spending less money blowing Iraq all to shit might have freed up money to buy a lot more malaria-preventing mosquito nets, but we have to have some priorities here.
And this great republic, born alone in liberty, is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations.
Yes, I'm sure many countries are looking at Afghanistan and Iraq and saying to themselves, "Hot damn, where can I get me some of THAT?"
For eight years, we have also strived to expand opportunity and hope here at home. Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools.
While falling further behind students in other countries. You're doing it wrong.
A new Medicare prescription drug benefit is bringing peace of mind to seniors and the disabled.
Yeah, not so much.
Every taxpayer pays lower income taxes.
Which has clearly done wonders for our economy.
The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith-based programs.
Also known as the Fresh Meat for Jesus Program.
Vulnerable human life is better protected.
Hopefully those NARAL/Planned Parenthood Feminazis don't realize that this is secret code for "more forced pregnancies".
Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled.
And yet, care hasn't.
America's air, water and lands are measurably cleaner.
As Chris Matthews would say... "HA!"
And the federal bench includes wise new members, like Justice Sam Alito and Chief Justice John Roberts.
Okay, now I'm not even trying to make a decent effort at making my lies believable.
When challenges to our prosperity emerged, we rose to meet them. Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we took decisive measures to safeguard our economy. These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted.
Basically what I mean is, when I pissed away our economy on tax cuts to the rich, I safeguarded our economy by giving more money to the rich. I know these are tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse on rich people if we had not given rich people more taxpayer money.
All Americans are in this together. And together, with determination and hard work, we will restore our economy to the path of growth. We will show the world once again the resilience of America's free enterprise system.
And if not, well, it's Obama's problem now. Heh heh. Escape pod deployed.
Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks and there are things I would do differently, if given the chance.
For example, I once served a fake plastic turkey to the troops for Thanksgiving. If given the chance, I would serve them a delicious real turkey instead.
I also would've gotten a goat. Can we see that goat again?
Yet, I've always acted with the best interests of our country in mind. I have followed my conscience and done what I thought was right. You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made, but I hope you can agree that I was willing to make the tough decisions.
'Cause I'm the Decider. The Tough Decider. So say someone comes up to me with a choice, like, "Mister President, we must choose -- should we go after the people who attacked us on September 11, or should we attack a completely unrelated country for no justifiable reason whatsoever?"
That's when I say, "Whoa, that's a tough decision. Looks like a job for Super Tough Decider."
And then I fuck up and choose the wrong thing. But I hope you can agree that I actually made the decision. I even made a special logo for myself, but I think you can understand why I decided to not use it very often.
The decades ahead will bring more hard choices for our country, and there are some guiding principles that should shape our course.
Oh good, it's time for Advice From the Worst President in American History.
While our nation is safer than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains another terrorist attack. Our enemies are patient and determined to strike again.
Really? A graver threat than, say, the likelihood of wars over resources, famine, flooding, etc. brought on by global climate change? A graver threat than the fact that millions of Americans are losing their jobs and incomes and homes?
America did nothing to seek or deserve this conflict. But we have been given solemn responsibilities, and we must meet them. We must resist complacency. We must keep our resolve. And we must never let down our guard.
And... welcome back folks. You were just listening to a track from the album, George W. Bush's Greatest Hits 2003.
At the same time, we just continue to engage the world with confidence and clear purpose. In the face of threats from abroad, it can be tempting to seek comfort by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism.
$100 if George W. Bush can define both "isolationism" and "protectionism" and explain why we must reject them.
Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger. In the 21st century, security and prosperity at home depend on the expansion of liberty abroad. If America does not lead the cause of freedom, that cause will not be led.
Yes, because leading the "expansion of liberty" abroad has been working out so well this far.
As we address these challenges, and others we cannot foresee tonight, America must maintain our moral clarity.
Which part of our moral clarity are we maintaining? The part that strips people naked and lets angry dogs at them? The part that puts a hood over someone's head and attaches electrodes to their genitals? How about the part that pours water over someone's face and causes them to begin to drown?
I have often spoken to you about good and evil, and this has made some uncomfortable.
Sort of the same way people would be uncomfortable if Hannibal Lector talked about cooking.
But good and evil are present in this world and between the two, there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere.
Luckily, Congress is too chicken-shit to indict me for it.
Freeing people from oppression and despair is eternally right. This nation must continue to speak out for justice and truth. We must always be willing to act in their defense and to advance the cause of peace.
The nation HAS been speaking out for justice and truth, you just haven't heard us because, you know, the free speech zone thing.
President Thomas Jefferson once wrote, "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past." As I leave the house he occupied two centuries ago, I share that optimism.
TRANSLATION: Let's just all forget about the shit I've done, kay? This isn't about me anymore. Let bygones be bygones.
America is a young country, full of vitality, constantly growing and renewing itself. And even in the toughest times, we lift our eyes to the broad horizon ahead.
I have confidence in the promise of America because I know the character of our people. This is a nation that inspires immigrants to risk everything for the dream of freedom.
And then get shot at by backward-ass racist conservatives.
This is a nation where citizens show calm in times of danger and compassion in the face of suffering. We see examples of America's character all around us, and Laura and I have invited some of them to join us in the White House this evening.
[list of Americans doing more to help their country than Bush could have dreamed of, usually in helping to solve problems he created]
In citizens like these, we see the best of our country, resilient and hopeful, caring and strong. These virtues give me an unshakable faith in America. We have faced danger and trial, and there is more ahead.
In other words, I have left this country in a shit-pile for President Obama to deal with.
But with the courage of our people and confidence in our ideals, this great nation will never tire, never falter and never fail.
It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your president. There have been good days and tough days.
Mostly tough days.
But every day, I have been inspired by the greatness of our country and uplifted by the goodness of our people.
I have been blessed to represent this nation we love. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other -- citizen of the United States of America.
And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time, good night. May God bless this house and our next president. And may God bless you and our wonderful country.
You know, a lot of people might offer you warm words for your departure, like, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
I disagree with those people.
I think the door SHOULD hit you in the ass on your way out. I think it should hit you in the ass so hard that maybe your head comes out.
PS Here is a picture of a cat.