Dear Sheriff Lett,
Just thought I’d take the time to thank you in advance for protecting the Public Good, specifically in tracking down and righteously punishing former Olympic "Champion" Michael Phelps for his egregious drug use. It’s unfortunate you’re not given the authority to throw him the beating his twenty year old ass so richly deserves, fourteen gold medals or not! Only way to learn ‘em!
*emailed to Sheriff Leon Lett (sheriff@rcsd.net) at quarter to five on a lovely winter afternoon, response pending
Yes sir! For too long these artists and writers and Olympic Champion types have flouted the Law in this regard. I read an article the other day about some scientific analysis of a few pipes found in Billy Shakespeare’s pad and apparently there were traces of not only this evil weed but of the cocaine as well! And then you know what he did, Trooper? He went and glorified it in one of his tunes (or sonnets, as this doper liked to call them) referring to ‘compounds strange’ and a ‘noted weed’.
Now back in Billy’s day, well, they knew how to handle drug offenders: torture and death by the Church of England! It’s an idea whose time has come again, I think you and I are in agreement on that, Trooper. I was certain the NeoCons were working towards this sort of enforcement for Patriot Act III or IV but it’s doubtful former doper and now President Barack Obama is going to push this thing to the distance. Which is why your leadership is so important! Amen, sir!
Billy Shakespeare got away with it, but the buck stops at Michael Phelps and rightfully so! I’m thinking the thing to do is throw the book at him, teach the fucker a lesson. I were you, I’d start investigating other Olympic athletes for similar proclivities and throw the book at them too. Store them all in the same place and then start American Gladiator style competitions, reality t.v stuff. I have all sorts of ideas regarding pay-per-views, sponsorships, DVDs, t-shirts and the like. I know you’re gonna want to be in on this, I just ask you not to cut me out of the loop. This could be huge.
Feel free to contact me for this type of advice at any time, especially if you can catch more of these vicious doper Olympian fiends. This is a big opportunity for us but we must move quickly. Dopers are a cagey bunch and once they get wind of our plans, as I’m sure you’re aware, they’ll scurry to all points.
Right, all for now.
Yours,
iSenseChange