Just hours after Senator Judd Gregg stunned Washington by withdrawing his nomination for Commerce Secretary, the New Hampshire Republican called a second surprise news conference to state that he was having second thoughts about some other positions as well.
"After careful consideration, I've decided that it was a mistake to drink Pepsi, when clearly it is Coca-Cola that offers the sort of brisk refreshment that I, and indeed our entire country, so deeply needs. I realize I should have recognized this sooner, but Judd Gregg wouldn't be Judd Gregg if I drank a cola product I didn't fully believe in. Besides, Pepsi has that new logo that looks too much like the Obama campaign logo. Mind you, I still have the utmost respect for President Obama. I just want him to fail."
"What is more," the Senator continued, "while I have for decades worshipped in the Congregationalist church, I now realize that my spiritual needs would be better met elsewhere. I take full responsibility for this slip-up, but I just never really focused on the matter until Greta Van Susteren over at Fox was kind enough to have me audited by the Church Of Scientology. They let me meet Tom Cruise!"
"Finally, and I admit I have no idea how this may make me look in the public's eye, I've decided I really am a woman trapped in a man's body. Therefor, tomorrow I will begin a lengthy gender reassignment program that will culminate with the removal of certain bodily tissue. I am aware that this step will carry with it a certain finality, but then, I have full faith in myself, as I've never been one to commit to something and then regret it later."