Welcome, loyal subjects, gentle fops and courtesans. The Court of Droogie VI VI V V III II I is now in session. All rise for the trumpets....
... and we're done with the trumpets.
Without further delay come the decrees! Hear ye, and obey.
Decree the first: That impressions be made of Michelle Obama's arms, so that all existing statuary art be provided with a new set of Michelle Obama arms. Also, the King's royal gym trainer shall report to the throne room poste haste.
Decree the second: Let the King's squadron of black helicopters buzz the air above the CPAC convention, just to give them something to be paranoid about.
Decree the third: That Joe the Biden shall be put in charge of the royal coffers and all funds and treasure therein. For as it is known throughout the land, no one shall mess with Joe.
Decree the fourth: That Gov. Bobby Jindal shall hereforth be known by his real first name -- Piyush. For if the president himself left behind "Barry" in favor of his true name, so then shall all governors be known by their true names, following in his example.
Decree the fifth: Piyush Jindal and Jack McBrayer shall do an "I Love Lucy" style occupational switch for one day. For 24 hours, Jindal will film an episode of "30 Rock" and McBrayer will govern the state of Louisiana.
Decree the sixth: Anyone who recommends that the King watch "Slumdog Millionaire" will be shipped away to live in a real third world slum. If I want to watch it, I will watch it. Stop with the hard sell.
Decree the seventh: Anyone who criticizes Nancy Pelosi's clapping during future presidential addresses to Congress will muck the King's royal stables for a fortnight. Hey, if the King had to watch Dennis Hastert snoozing and drooling for so many years, you can watch Nancy clap for a while.
Decree the eighth: Every time George Will lies in a column, the Washington Post will send you a free T-shirt. (Subscribers only)
Decree the ninth: Joe the Plumber will actually become a plumber and cease and desist all other day jobs, or be locked in the keep and flung from the battlements by catapult.
Decree the tenth: Any time Michael Steele makes a reference to hip-hop culture, rap music or anything related to either, including slang or popular phrases (past or present), he will be fined the sum of two fingers, to be collected by the King's royal headsman.
Decree the eleventh: For the purposes of emergency economic stimulus, in the State of California, marijuana is now a legal, taxed and regulated commodity. All monies deriving from the sale of this crop shall be diverted to keeping the state's universities open and to keep making superhero-based action movies.
The King has spoken! Now spread his word throughout the land!