Welcome to the C 'n J test kitchen. Bill and Michael are sunning themselves in Key West, so I'll be your hostess this evening. Just hang your coat over there. Drinks coming right up...
Hey! Who's been in the liquor cabinet? Sheesh, Bill's gone for one stinkin' day and the booze disappears.
Well, the mark of a good hostess is to gracefully improvise. Appetizers are served over the jump.
Just a box of red-flavor jello, a half-cup of red-flavor fruit wine, ginger ale and ice cubes whomped in the blender make a wonderfully refreshing emergency cocktail. Remember that the next time you drink up all the booze except the Boone's Farm Wild Cherry. Lime jello gazpacho (left) and lime jello antipasto (right) are the perfect complements. Dig in!
Forecast for Portland: high 48, low 31 with a gentle, caressing 30 mph breeze
Forecast for Key West: high 75, low 67 with frequent rum and coke downpours and occasional partly clothed cabana boys
Today's pet pic: Jindal-mania!
Speaking of animals, next time you feed the hungry critters, don't forget the hibernators who are waking up this time of year ready for a hearty breakfast (ht gloryous1).
Jeers to Republicans whose brains are apparently are being eaten by untreated syphilis. In the fevered opinion of a a Colorado state senator, AIDS "stems from sexual promiscuity" by women. Men, as always, have nothing to do with transmitting "social diseases."
In this case shocking photographic evidence shows that Senator Syphilis may be on to something. On the left, the mother acts like a condom, preventing transmission of an STD during a formal introduction. On the right, the woman has become instantaneously pregnant thanks to her libertine behavior. Get them to an abstinence-only sex ed class, pronto.
Done with your appetizers? Great! Tonight we have a refreshing choice of winter salads: Prune 'n Pineapple Eyeballs or Tootin' Tomato Mold (a guaranteed gas producer for kiddie poolers who miss the fart jokes while our fearless leader vacations).
Here in Wisconsin, the homophobes are brandishing their torches and pitchforks over an audacious proposal to legalize domestic partnerships. They prophesy economic catastrophe and moral doom.
As usual, they're completely wrong. Let's take a few minutes to admire Ken and Ken's honeymoon album...
Say, you finished those salads quickly. As a gracious hostess, I shall pretend not to notice that you mushed them up and tried to hide them under the lettuce leaves. See if I ever invite you to dinner again.
Fine, here's the entrees: jello meat loaf or tapioca meat loaf. And don't try to hide it under the mashed potatoes or no dessert for you!
Where was I? Ah yes, Earring Magic Ken Ken and Rainbow Prince Ken's honeymoon. You wouldn't believe the economic stimulus and pure joy of the occasion:
They toured along the beautiful Mississippi River, spending tens of dollars on gas and Packer souvenirs. They bought flowers at the farmer's market. They visited the PFLAG table at the gay pride festivities, spreading happiness among young and old. They visited friends and celebrated at swanky restaurants.
In fact, they'd observe their 10th anniversary this summer if my niece hadn't decapitated Rainbow Prince. Earring Magic could take his husband out for a Yorick-style anniversary, but it just wouldn't be the same.
Here I am chattering away while everyone wants dessert. We have a really lovely choice here: Chocolate Boobs or Cherry-Cheese Mold, with a "clear, quivering top and a spongy bottom." That is not Ken and Ken's description, it's from the test kitchen ladies at Better Homes and Gardens.
Finally, as an apertif, free insulin shots for all!
Happy eating!