As a, um, piggy-back to a recent currently Rec-listed diary about Utah and porn, I thought I should give the voyeurs intellectually curious on DailyKos some insight into how a typical Mormon kid is taught about sexuality, chastity, and so on. What I reveal here may give you some insight into why Utah may indeed plausibly be America's premier porn consumer.
[Original title: "Mormons and Sex"]
I grew up in L.A. in an active Mormon family and in a vibrant local Mormon congregation in the late 1960s into the late 1970s. There were lots of kids in my age group (the crest of the baby-boom), and while the primitive filmstrip projections of my youth have been replaced by satellite broadcasts, DVDs, and other high-tech trappings of the 21st century, the message today's Mormon youth are receiving about their sexuality and sexual morality, etc., is almost identical to what I grew up hearing some 35-40 years ago.
Mormon girls and boys start out together in the same youth auxiliary program, Primary (for ages 3-12), but after age 8, they are separated. The boys follow the Scouting program, and the girls... do not. The focus for girls tends to be quite traditionally domestic, and although there are exceptions (depending on local teachers' and leaders' interests), outdoor activities are pretty much non-existent. Today's primary curriculum includes at least one lesson on "appropriate touching" that is taught at a fairly young age. This was not something I grew up with, even though (as I kept finding out at women's retreats) I kept learning to my horror about how some of my friends and peers were abused (usually by one or more family members).
I remember going to "Chastity Night" every year while I was in Mutual (the church's program for kids 12-18). This was a girls-only event (with our moms present). We would watch a film (usually the same film from one year to the next) about a girl who is tempted to elope to Las Vegas and then at the last minute comes to her senses (creeped out, no doubt, by the neon ambiance). She, of course, is still a virgin but has come oh so close to not choosing the Only Right Way to Marry—in a Mormon temple "for time and all eternity." (There wasn't even a hint of premarital sex in this film, by the way: just some necking.) Abstinence was (and still is) the only acceptable choice in God's eyes, hormones or no hormones.
"Object lessons" varied from year to year. Over the years, I learned that not "saving oneself for marriage"—in other words, not being a virgin—was comparable to:
• A stick of pre-chewed gum
• A mangled, smashed piece of chocolate cake or a (heckuva) brownie
• A handled and thus brown-petaled white rose
• A piece of wood that had been nailed (the hole remains, even when the nail is pulled out)
STDs (in my day, "venereal diseases") were not discussed. Nor was birth control, dontcha know, because preventing pregnancy would only encourage promiscuity by allowing girls to escape the Natural Consequences of Sin. (Why an innocent baby would also end up "suffering the consequences" was not discussed.)
Girls had a "special calling" to dress modestly and not tempt the boys, who were morally weaker and had Strong Drives. A girl who wears provocative clothing is "asking for it." Although rape has been officially denounced in a reasonably acceptable way by general church leaders both over the pulpit and in the church's magazine, The Ensign, there are plenty of places within Mormondom where rape victims are still assumed to have invited the attack through immodest dress and/or immoral behavior.
Boys (I hear anecdotally) also attend a similar kind of Chastity Night with their moms or dads. But unlike Mormon girls (who per below cannot even be imagined indulging), Mormon boys end up being barraged with the message that Masturbation Is A Sin. They are expected to confess this "sin" in interviews with their bishop or other leaders. And porn (which does not exist in the girls' universe) is likewise denounced. As is French kissing, petting, and so on around the bases (as it were).
Girls apparently do not have sex drives, nor do they masturbate: I never, ever was even asked about this until just before I got married, and then I was asked if I "touched [my]self inappropriately in the shower." —“Oh, what's this,” you say, “who's asking you questions like that?”
Well, at age 12, Mormon kids have to go through "worthiness interviews," particularly if they want to participate in a Mormon temple ceremony called "baptism for the dead." (This has become a very controversial topic in its own rite right, but I will not get into this here.) To be considered worthy to enter a Mormon temple, even in a very limited capacity, a Mormon girl or boy is interviewed first by the local bishop (the equivalent of a lay pastor—the leader of a "ward" or Mormon congregation) and then by a member of the stake presidency (a leader of a group of wards). All such leaders are male, by the way. The interview questions cover such topics as:
• Belief in Mormon teachings about God
• Belief in Mormon general leaders as prophets
• Being a full tithe-payer
• Obeying the Mormon health code (no smoking, no drinking of alcohol, tea, or coffee)
• Being chaste
How intrusive and probing the questions are, particularly for the last category, is left up to the interviewer. I have heard horror stories (and you can doubtless find many on the exmormons website), but the many men who interviewed me never crossed any lines (in fact, most seemed very embarrassed to have to ask). It used to be, by the way, that married couples would be asked if they indulged in Oral Sex. General leaders have long since instructed local leaders that this is None of Their Business and that this question is Inappropriate, but again, local leaders ask what they want and grant or withhold the Temple Recommend according to their own ideas about a person or a couple's worthiness.
Another lesson that is taught in Mutual and Sunday School classes (with an occasional sermon from the local pulpit, and at least one General Conference sermon every six months, and at least one broadcast or special meeting a year) is that premarital sex is a sin that is almost as bad as murder. (Actually, the sin that is almost as bad as murder per the actual Book of Mormon verse on which the teaching is based is rape, but this verse has long been co-opted by the abstinence-pushers.) It is better to die than to give up one's virginity. Out-of-wedlock pregnancy is a disgrace and while there are "shotgun weddings," a common response to such a pregnancy is to send the girl off to live with a Mormon foster family and to give up the baby for adoption by a nice Mormon couple.
Couples who are not married in a Mormon temple are assumed to have Succumbed to Temptation (in other words, they aren't worthy... never mind any other circumstances that might induce them not to be married in the temple, such as non-member family and friends).
So repression, guilt, denial, guilt, dishonesty, guilt, misunderstanding about human physiology, guilt, facile strategies to avoid temptation ("sing a hymn" and "the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight")—and did I mention guilt?... these contribute mightily to how a typical Mormon teenager internalizes values and images and ideas about sexuality. (Per my Bob Jones U. cousins, it's a similar situation for evangelical teens as well.)
From a personal standpoint... gosh, I don't think I was especially "damaged" by growing up in this fashion. I was nearly 26 when I married and I was, yes, I was a virgin when I married (and not for lack of opportunity nor temptation, believe me). So was Mr Mo. We have always been faithful to one another. I don't have any regrets (nor any especial curiosity, either). Our kids are making their own choices unencumbered by the kind of baggage we had, and so far they seem to be pretty well-adjusted, too.
But all of the hush-hush sacred holy stuff can be and has been damaging to many kids. The sacred-to-the-point of secret and the dearth of frank discussions about sexuality, the shame connected to the perfectly common and ordinary act of masturbation, the equating of premarital sex to "damaged goods," the denunciation of specific acts, the decrying of sex education in schools (Utah schools in particular), the church's position on homosexuality ... it should not surprise people that there are plenty of ways in which repression manifests itself. Porn is one way. Abuse is another (domestic, sexual, child)... for all of its "one true church 'righteousness'," Utah's stats for abuse are right up there.
I'm just happy to have grown up in a non-abusive household with responsible parents who loved me, clearly loved one another... even if most of the "nuts and bolts" of sex ed came via my public school.—Okay, fine, I'd occasionally go over to a Mormon friend's house for Sunday mid-day dinner and almost every time her older brother enjoyed took pains to "educate" her, other siblings, and me about Male Physiology by showing us just what would happen when their parents' vibrator was applied to his Privy Member—but I digress. (Or do I?)
It was an interesting life.
(I will answer questions and respond to comments as life permits today.)
Update: I have been reminded that in many U.S. Mormon congregations, "Chastity Night" was usually referred to as "Standards Night." It's always struck me as strange, by the way, so many Mormons (and other conservative groups) tend to think of morality almost exclusively in terms of one's sexual behavior, but there you have it.