I love the diversity of opinion here at DKos. I do! Democrats will succeed in the long term because they’re a coalition of many different viewpoints, not "united in message" autocrats like Republicans. I value that "Big Tent," and that’s why I have voted Democratic.
I also enjoy the diversity of topics here, and I try to broaden my own writing (including diaries here) to a number of topics. Even so, there’s a reason I delurked, and that reason hasn’t gone away. I first posted here because I’m gay. If every user of this site were already convinced that I am a full human being who deserves to enjoy the same rights and privileges reserved to the vast majority of other human beings, I wouldn’t still ring that bell. I get tired of writing – ranting, lately – about GLBT rights, and I know some of you have probably begun to think us gay DKos members are one-trick ponies.
So let’s just get a few things straight (I will not be one of them). Repeated below are the most common, crapulent memes used to tell us to put up and shut up, followed by my standard response to each. This should help you put them to rest so we can get on with the business of equality.
I’ve been told over and over that I need to engage people who discriminate against me or say things that attack me. Well, believe you me – I do. And here at DKos is where my skills are most tested. If the pen is mightier than the sword, here is where I sharpen my blade.
- Get government out of the marriage business! Everyone should have a civil union!
This one’s pretty subtle. On the surface, it’s a pretty slick shot, and I and many others can agree with it on a mental level. It pleases the separation-of-church-and-state folks, and the libertarian crowds go wild (the real libertarians, not the ones that are libertarian until it comes to womb control and those damned gays). Quite simply, the problem is this: why is it that everything was fine with marriage as it was until the gay folks decided to start getting married? I know there are probably a few hardcore folks out there who always had a problem with state-issued marriage licenses, but on a widespread basis, it wasn’t a solution until we were the problem. And politically, it’s a mess. As it is, we have the christianists breathing down our necks screaming that we’re somehow trying to take something from them by trying to get married. We all know that my marriage has nothing to do with any other person’s marriage – christian or otherwise. But if you push this solution, you will have the people who are already our deadly sworn enemies screaming bloody murder that we took marriage from them. You are literally playing their hand for them. Please stop.
The corollary to this, of course, is just "why can’t you just be happy with a civil union? why do you HAVE to have ‘marriage’?"
That’s even simpler. The word used here and all over the world, in law and in business, is "marriage". It’s just what we use. That’s why people in states that have granted civil unions have found it to be a separate, but unequal (more on that phrase later) institution. Not only does it leave business and federal entities free to ignore our legal partnership as they see fit and continue to discriminate against us as a separate class. It also does not have the societal status of "marriage". Little boys and little girls do not grow up dreaming of a civil union. The word for the long-term committed pair is "marriage". And now for the closely related meme...
- Marriage is a religious institution!
Bullsh*t. If it were, atheists and those without a church would never be able to go to the justice of the peace and get hitched. Civil marriage has never been dependent on religion in this nation, nor should it be. Further, marriage hasn’t been a religious institution for much of its history. It wasn’t a sacrament until over a thousand years after Christ. It was often a property arrangement, or a way to create alliances between families. In the times of the old testament of the bible, it was that property arrangement – hence the frequent polygamy. In the Middle Ages, if people were not rich property owners, they were discouraged or even prohibited from marriage, as the institution at the time was not defined to serve their purposes. The word "marriage" has described many things non-religious over the centuries; it has only been co-opted by the religious over the past few to several hundred years as a means to relationship control and money for the church. It is and always has been a civil institution.
- If I’m not in favor of legal recognition for gay people, that doesn’t make me a homophobe!
Let me get this straight (take the pun and shove it somewhere): it’s okay with you if we have no way to legally protect ourselves and our children in the event of death, disability, and disaster. You don’t mind that we have to pay through the nose at tax time just to provide one another health benefits or inherit property – and that at the end of life, it turns out we’ve paid into your system to make sure you and yours can get full advantage of social security, but when my husband dies, his money is...yours? If you’re okay with all that, you want us to fail. You want our families and our homes and our relationships to be a legal house of cards that anyone has legal shelter to take apart or even take away. If that’s not homophobic, I’m at a loss for a better definition.
- Stop whining. Stop being victims. Just step up and claim your birthright.
Let me hark back to my opening words here. I’d stop bleating about this if it would stop being a problem. I’m not a victim – I’m a survivor. And I’m slamming my head against that wall every damned day. Many of us work our tails off for change, and telling us we’re whiners for pointing out the problem we face doesn’t help us. Like it or not, we have legal barriers in place we have to overcome; if you pitched in and worked as hard as we do, maybe you’d stop hearing about it, because it would change! Imagine that: a world where you and I are equal. Not cerebrally equal, but really, substantively, legally, unquestionably, inalienably equal.
- Why are you bothering us with this NOW? Can’t you see the economy is a mess? There are more important things. Be quiet and wait your turn and things will be fine.
To paraphrase President Obama (I love that phrase), "The president should be able to do on more than one thing at a time." So should Congress, and so should pretty much any competent human being. We’re all concerned about the economy – about our homes, our livelihoods, our families, our future – and until we LGBT folks are in a secure enough position to be certain there’s no legal way for anyone to take all of those things away from us just because of who we love, we’re going to put our civil rights as front and center as we can. Our gain is no one’s loss. Congress does not lose the opportunity to pass the budget if they choose to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. President Obama can sign unlimited bills into law – he does not have to choose between signing the stimulus bill and a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. He can do both, and we can all be better for it.
Not only that, but President Obama made it abundantly clear during the campaign that he wanted his feet held to the fire on important issues. It’s like FDR is often quoted to have said: "I agree with you. I want to do it. Now make me do it." We have every right to point to Obama’s campaign promises, right there on www.whitehouse.gov, and remind him, Democrats in Congress, and many others that it’s time to deliver the promise of this nation to EVERYONE. We will not sit still and be told that "Yes We Can" had exceptions.
- Black people were and are more beaten down than you. Stop using their phrases. Your fight isn’t the same and it’s demeaning to them that you’re using their civil rights movement’s slogans.
I read long ago that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Black leaders should be thrilled that their fight for civil rights is seen as such a success – and a triumph of logic – that the same phrases are seen to apply to the struggles of others and quoted for that reason. The only reason some of them AREN’T is very simple: it’s called homophobia.
I agree that the fight for LGBT people’s rights isn’t precisely the same. No two groups of humans are going to be precisely the same. But we’re not going to sit here and play what I’ve seen called the Oppression Olympics. Both groups have suffered for centuries, and if we don’t step up and fix the problems and help one another, we’re all going to suffer for several more. Gay rights are civil rights. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. Remember, society can change backwards, too – if they can take something away from us, are you next?
Are you sure?
Just to emphasize, let me quote NAACP national chairman Julian Bond:
When someone asks me, "are gay rights civil rights?" my answer is always, "Of course, they are." Civil rights are positive legal prerogatives: the right to equal treatment before the law. These are the rights shared by everyone. There is no one in the United States who does not, or should not, enjoy or share in enjoying these rights. Gay and lesbian rights are not special rights in any way. It isn't "special" to be free from discrimination. It is an ordinary, universal entitlement of citizenship.
...People of color ought to be flattered that our movement has provided so much inspiration for others. That, it has been, that our movement has been so widely imitated. That our tactics, our methods, our heroes, our heroines, and even our songs, have been appropriated or served as models for others.
...Now, no parallel between movements is exact. African-Americans are the only Americans who were enslaved for more than two centuries and people of color carried the badge of who we are on our faces. But we are far from the only people suffering discrimination; sadly, so do many others. And those others deserve the law's protection and civil rights too.
See? It ain’t just me.
- It’s not really important, because you LOVE one another, and that’s all you really need! They only have the power you allow them to have!
Thanks, Pollyanna. See #4. Let me re-emphasize: they can’t take away my love for my spouse. They can’t take away the depth of our caring for one another. However, they can take our jobs and our money, and if one of us dies, they can take more money, and his family or mine can show up and take the house, dog, vehicles, cash, and pretty much whatever they like, because they’re the next of kin, and the law says we’re strangers. We haven’t willingly given them an ounce of power – they’ve just got it, by law, and no amount of love is going to change that. Hard work will. If California invalidates our marriage by Supreme Court order tomorrow, that won’t change the fact that we consider ourselves married. But it’ll be a different day legally.
- God loves you no matter what. We’re all sinful. It’s human nature to be sinful. That’s why Jesus died for us all.
This has to be my favorite. "We’re all sinful." No, sorry, no sale. First, I’m not a christian. I don’t believe that I have to be forgiven for anything by some vaporous higher power to get some eternal reward. More importantly, there’s an implication here. See, I talk to a lot of christianists who say they recognize that I was born this way, and there’s no changing that. But I don’t have to act on it. It’s not about who I am, it’s about what I do. Loving my spouse, and everything that is part of that relationship, is not sinful. There’s not a damn thing wrong with it. It’s none of your damn business, and it’s none of your deity’s business, either. I don’t need to be forgiven for loving. You need to be forgiven for judging. And not just by your god. We’re not all christians. We aren’t all subject to your deity. We aren’t a judeo-christian nation. We have separation of church and state for a reason.
- You just don’t get it. America/the military/(insert state name here)’s people don’t see it this way. The people/Congress/the military/Fox News have spoken.
No, you just don’t get it. This is not about what the majority thinks. The majority is frequently wrong, hence the last resort of the judiciary in our system as a protector of the minority against the tyranny of the majority.
Additionally, whenever I see this argument, it’s frequently flat-out wrong. I recently saw it launched in a discussion of LGBT service in the military. The poster must have forgotten that the vast majority of the nation, when polled, wants this issue put in the past, and knows that we lose valuable, educated, talented servicemen and women every time another witch hunt stalks gay and lesbian soldiers. But somehow, we just don’t get it. The shining clarity of the Fox News talking points trumps reality every time.
I think those are the big ones. Let ‘em go, folks. These are all false arguments against equality before the law for Americans who work, hope, love, and dream just as hard as you do for a better future. We’d like to think there will come a day when the energy we put into fighting for equality can be directed toward building a better nation for us all.