Hey, you. Yeah, you. The guy or gal with the high UID number.
What's a UID number? Just put your mouse pointer over your username and check the bottom left-hand edge of your browser window. That's your number, and for better or worse, that's how a lot of people will be judging you around here.
But that's not all they'll have to go by. They'll also be watching your comments and your diaries, if you're writing or making any.
Maybe you're wondering why some users around the site aren't responding well (or at all) to your comments and diaries. Well, assuming you're genuine about wanting to be a part of this site, I'm here to offer you some tips. Because it's in all of our best interest to welcome newcomers and show them the way.
It can seem bewildering at first, even hostile. But there are some things you can do to make your stay here a smooth and rewarding one, like a frosty glass of your favorite brew.
So here's what.
Every time some fuckchuckle like Bill O'Reilly or Glenn Beck mentions our site, it seems like we get several dozen new users around here who want to check things out. Some come to stir, and what they're stirring is "up trouble."
If that describes you, if you are here to pretend like you're something you're not, or are here just to spew hateful remarks or post your talking points, there are probably better places on the Internet to do that.
We've got a system in place here for dealing with people like this, and it's pretty effective. So please leave now, or we'll help you find the door -- the one out back that leads to the alley with the dumpster.
If, on the other hand, you came here as I did -- a curious, optimistic sort who just wants to add your perspective to a growing, thriving community -- then you need a few pointers before you can really spread your cute little wings.
Droogie's Law, Part I: Always be polite
Just because this is the Internet, you still don't have the right to treat people like they're something you dug out of your ear. Never say anything here that you wouldn't say to that person if they were sitting across a table from you in a nice restaurant. These are real people you're talking with.
You can disagree, of course. That's part of the fun. But when you disagree, address the argument rather than how you imagine the person smells, or how promiscuous and overweight their mother is. This will add strength to your argument, believe it or not. If leaving behind personal attacks robs you of your only debate tool, then this site might be a little advanced for you, and I'd stick to scrawling homophobic messaged onto men's room stall partitions.
Droogie's Law, Part II: Obey the rules
We don't have that many rules here, and they're easy to follow. Droogie's First Law covers one of the big ones, and if you've mastered that, it will cover a multitude of sins.
If you're commenting in somebody's diary, or any diary not marked "Open Thread," please stay on topic. Don't try to drag people onto another conversation. The diarist sets the tone, and you should follow it. Think of coming into a diary as entering someone's house. Wipe your feet, say "please" and "thank you," and don't steal any light bulbs.
If you are writing a diary of your own, please make it worth our while. A few paragraphs is not worth hitting the "publish" button over, and there's no easier way to get people angry around here. Also, if you're using material that is copyrighted, don't use more than two paragraphs from any one source. This will also get you yelled at. Paraphrase rather than quote directly if you must.
Another thing that steams people's clams is when you put four-letter words in diary headlines. I know you think it's cute and it gets your point across, but it sets off some people's browser filters, thus preventing them from visiting our fine site. If you really must use an expletive, consider making up a new one, like "fuckchuckle."
Droogie's Law, Part III: When in Rome, do the Kossack jig
"Kossack," by the way, is a term of endearment for someone on this site. We Kossacks have some traditions, or conventions, if you will. Some of them are important to follow as a way of showing respect. Some are just silly. I'll try to cover the important ones.
If you're posting a diary, post a tip jar. This is any comment in your diary with the words "tip" or "jar" in it. Failing that, your first comment is usually treated as your tip jar, where users will give you "mojo," or "recommends" for your comment to show their approval of your diary.
And please, when you post a diary, it is considered bad form to post and run. To show good faith and willingness to participate in the community, it's appreciated highly to stick around and comment in your own diary. Reply to what others are saying. Remember the first rule as you do this.
Droogie's Law, Part IV: Take constructive criticism
For better or worse, a lot of folks around here will offer you advice on your diaries, if you choose to start writing them. This advice can be helpful or unhelpful. It can also be friendly or unfriendly. I would characterize the average critical comment as unfriendly, but buried deep within the snark is a helpful tip that can be valuable if you look past the suggestion that you fornicate yourself with an antique Art Deco-style lamppost.
They're not all going to be as polite as I'm being with you right now, but try to hear what they're telling you in between the lines. Ignore the people who tell you to "go away," but only if you are, as I said before, genuine about your desire to be a part of this community. If you are not, then I suggest taking the advice and making like a tree.
In the end, expect that people will be suspicious of a new user. We get a lot of trolls in here, and they often look and sound no different from a new user who is just trying to get used to the way things work around here.
Droogie's Law, Part V: For your own protection, be careful with your personal information
Don't give away too much about yourself. This includes the obvious stuff like phone numbers, addresses and ATM pin numbers, but it also includes stuff that would make it easy to harass you later on. Like an e-mail address that you also use for work, or identifying information about your city or neighborhood. Remember, what you put on here has a way of sticking for a long time, and some employers, parents, clergy, ex-girlfriends, whoever, might use what you write to harm you in some way.
Trust me.
It should also go without saying that you should treat other people's privacy with respect as well. Be aware of what blogger anonymity is. Violating that can cause you heap big trouble.
And finally, a word to our non-noobs
DON'T EAT THE NEWBIES.
You were all once newbies. Treating them harshly when they could just be honest, interesting, involved people is tantamount to some wingnut bashing immigrants who come to the United States. We were all newbies once. So please treat them kindly unless they show evidence that they are only here to give us grief. It may be a crime to be a troll, but it is not a crime to not know the rules yet.
We want more people to become active participants in this site, don't we? So let's act like it. Instead of dismissing or ignoring the newcomers, let's take the time to cultivate them. Take them by the hand and tell them a few of the things I've spelled out here -- in addition to some of the things I've forgotten.
Now, let's all cooperate, exchange our best ideas, share pictures of our babies and cats, laugh at Republicans, then get drunk and play Ping-Pong!