I know that sounds crazy in a market where jobs are scarce as conservatives at a Pro-Choice Rally. But there are some things I value more than a pay check. My integrity is one.
Over the past few days I’ve had time to chastise myself. Integrity doesn’t pay the mortgage, and it doesn’t quiet hunger pangs. Couldn’t I have just sucked it up and stuck it out?
But I was coming home each night so stressed I felt like I would twang like a piano wire if touched. I was sleeping only fitfully, unable to turn off the thoughts crashing around in my brain. That’s the price one pays for having a conscience and letting it guide them.
Honesty has always been my weak point. I can’t help but tell the truth, and it gets me into trouble over and over. Most people don’t want the truth. They want something with a pretty ribbon to make it look nice and all the sharp edges sanded so it doesn’t prickle. But I’ve never learned how to embellish and soften effectively.
Ethics are another of my failings. In situations where there is clearly a right and a wrong, there’s no question what choice I have to make. I stop at stop signs in the middle of the nowhere when there is no traffic and no one looking. If I see a wrong, I’m compelled to right it. If I see a problem, I’m compelled to do everything in my power to correct it. My compulsion to make sure "right" prevails gets me in a lot of hot water too.
So it was that at my most recent job, honesty and ethics led me to run afoul of the administration. I told the truth. They didn’t want to hear it. I reported rule breaking. They didn’t want to hear that either. I tried figure out ways to fix things. Big mistake. The ONES IN CHARGE knew what they were doing. Who was I, the newbie, to say differently?
I had my supporters – kindred spirits who had long been aware of the wrongs being done and wished something would change. But they were much more savvy than me. They knew how to tread lightly, and use all those nice safe words, hoping that the ONES IN CHARGE would read between the lines and eventually "get it." Not me. Nope, I had to just plow ahead and point out what was really happening.
But the ONES IN CHARGE weren’t real happy about that. It sounded too much like they might have to accept some of the blame for the situation. And of course, they saw nothing wrong with their approach to the issues – only with my approach. The head honcho kept bringing me into his office asking why I wasn’t able to be more effective. Whenever I explained what it would take for that to happen, it kept coming out all plain and covered with thorns. He didn’t like that. Not one bit. He was certain he was right and I was wrong. Finally he pretty much said he thought I was lying to cover up my own inadequacy.
And that’s when I quit. Just walked right out.
Now here I sit wondering how to substitute integrity for meat in my Hamburger Helper. It’s ok though. I may have no paycheck and no prospects, but I still have my self respect.