I have reached an age where all the people in my cohort--all the friends that I've grown up with--have had kids by now.
Except me.
In recent years I've heard my best female friends tell me about the lovely scent of a baby's pate, the cute cooings of a child's voice, and how their ovaries just react to these infantine stimuli, as though it were a natural fact.
Which it is.
So why don't I feel this way as well?
When I was a girl, I never wanted baby dolls to play with. I reached for toy trains, and Tonka trucks, and Hot Wheels, instead. And even as I grew into adulthood, and my friends stared marrying and having babies, I never felt that biological clock tick for me once, never felt the draw to reproduce, never dreamed or desired becoming a momma. And I still haven't, even as I approach the age of forty years.
I never even babysat, as a young girl. Save but once. And it was a nightmare, to me. All those diapers, all that crying and fussing. Ugh.
What is the deal, here? Why do I have no desire at all to have kids? After all, I'm adequately employed. My husband is adequately employed. We have adequate health insurance (what amounts to a gold mine, nowadays). And even if our resources ran low, I have the staunch support of my relatively wealthy father, whose generous heart and wish for grandchildren would provide more than sufficient means for me and my husband to take care of a little one, if I chose to give birth.
So why do I have no biological pull whatsoever to have kids?
It's not just that I have an aversion to bringing into the world another being who would use up resources. It's not just my worry about my ability to provide adequate means for said child, nor even my worry that any future of theirs in this world (global warming, depletion of resources, the future of education, etc) looks like a dismal one, to me.
It's not even that I think I would make a terrible parent (which I would, since I can hardly muster enough energy to take care of myself, much less a child).
Rather, it's just that I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY DESIRE TO HAVE CHILDREN TO BEGIN WITH. EVER.
What would Darwin think of this? Well, he'd say that I was a complete failure, I know, since the whole theory of species success is to leave as much of your genetic material behind as you can.
So what am I? A mutant? A freak? Obviously I came from people who wanted to have kids, and were happy to have kids, so it can't be strictly genetic. So what accounts for people like me, especially women, who have no ticking biological clock at all?
Please, tell me your stories, wise people at Daily Kos, if you are at all like me. Especially if you are a woman. I'd like to know I'm not alone, and I'd like to try to understand why I am the way I am. Because biologically--evolutionarily--someone like me makes no sense, whatsoever.
Like I said, maybe I'm just a mutant. And if that's the case, I offer myself up research-wise to anybody doing genetic studies on human female biological clocks and such. I guess I would be the outlier. :)
Thanks for reading.
UPDATE: whew, thanks so much for your guys's comments! My internet has been intermittent this afternoon, but I'm trying to comment on your posts as much as I can. And thanks so much for your input. :)
UPDATE 2: Just thanks, you guys, for your stories. This is the best diary I've ever done, simply because so many of you have told me so many stories that are so meaningful, and you've just blown my mind. Thank you so, so, so much. :)