Since Micheal Jackson's unexpected death this past Wednesday, a veritable plethora of diaries have been written on the subject. Debate has turned around this issue: how do we reconcile the life of a purported artistic genius with the multiple allegations of child molestation leveled against him, and what is the appropriate tone to strike on the occasion of his passing?
My personal opinion is that all human beings are owed a measure of respect, and that we ought not dictate how others should grieve. At the same time, I can appreciate the visceral reactions of both his fans, who have been personally affected by his work, and his detractors, many of whom have been personally affected by abuse. But I do not wish to resurrect this debate.
Rather, I want to correct what I perceive as an misstep in the process of dealing with the issue of child abuse. I have been struck by the power and depth of moral outrage and condemnation against one, dead individual. I want to try to redirect those feelings toward positive action.
The title of this diary invites a question: if it's not about Michael Jackson, why are you mentioning him at all? In the title, no less? I have been wanting to diary about this for a long time, but I lacked both courage and impetus, which has been provided by this occasion. Additionally, I want to acknowledge the way in which these sensational cases that garner widespread media attention are detrimental to the larger cause.
I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by my stepfather. My mother did nothing to stop him, and contributed to the abuse herself. They are both alcoholics. Primarily owing to these experiences, I have chronic mental issues which have been costly (particularly now that I do not have health insurance) and personally debilitating.
Child abuse, whether chronic or acute, succeeds in the first instance because the children are made to feel powerless by their abusers. My stepfather told me that if I ever called the police, they wouldn't help me. Instead, they would take me away. Because I was the bad one. Before my stepfather was even in the picture, my mother told me about a place called "the people pound", which was just like the dog pound. If your parents didn't want you, they'd bring you there, and if no one came to rescue you they'd put you to sleep.
I didn't think that anyone could help me, and I was made to believe that everything that happened to me was my fault. And that's why it's been difficult for me to diary about this. I have a precognitive fear that someone will deny the validity of my claims, or tell me that it was my fault. That I'm a bad person who deserved it.
And yet, I don't want anyone to assert that my stepfather and my mother are bad people. I've come to abjure the bad person/good person dichotomy. They were both abused and neglected, and denied a framework for dealing with their problems. I was lucky in the sense that I recognized that something was wrong with the way I was being treated, despite what I was told. I didn't completely internalize the experiences. And I starting getting help at a comparatively young age. Others are not so lucky.
I shared (a little bit of) my experiences for a specific reason: child abuse victims are shamed into silence, and thus denied the voice they need for public advocacy. They are taught first, by their abusers, that they are wrong. They are taught second, by society, that their words are unseemly, inappropriate, that no one wants to hear that sort of thing. That it's private. Nobody's business. Take it to a therapist. Take it to the land of broken people, and the mean time, chin up and smile.
And so we go on, in silence, and very little is done to decrease the likelihood that future generations of children will be abused.
There will be people who read this diary who were abused. For those of you who don't already know it: you don't have to be silent. Attend first to your own needs. But don't let society make you a victim forever. Don't let them make you say you're sorry for what happened to you and who you are. I know it takes a long time, but I hope that in a small way, by "coming out", I've helped you.
Here are a few things that anybody can do:
- Recognize the signs of child abuse and neglect. Don't be afraid to report them to the appropriate authorities.
- Call out the media on their obsession with high-profile cases of abuse (celebrities and pretty white kids) to the detriment of the issue as a whole. Specifically request that they include statistics on the number of children who are abused and the number who die from said abuse in their reporting. Don't let distractions and righteous indignation drain the energy from potential outlets of positive action.
- Educate yourself. Understand that emotional and psychological abuse can be as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Know the social costs of abuse. If you are a parent or have friends who are parents, take the time to learn what behaviors are nurturing and what behaviors are potentially harmful. If you were chronically abused by your parents, you are statistically more likely to abuse your own children. There are many, many ways that you can obtain support structures and ensure that that doesn't happen.
- I know this suggestion will be controversial, but: if you see a caretaker behaving in an abusive manner towards a child in public, and see a reasonable method of intervention that would not exacerbate the situation, consider taking it. Or consider notifying the nearest public authority or representative of authority. Some of the most traumatizing experiences I suffered were those that occurred when there were dozens of witnesses who stood by and said nothing while, for example, I was dragged by my hair through a department store. Children are not property, and the rights of parents to bring up their children in the manner they see fit do not extend to abuse, period. We should not live in a society where others implicitly condone such behavior. Perhaps even asking the manager of an establishment if they have a policy about patrons who abuse children in the establishment will begin to lift the curtain of public indifference. (mamamedusa makes an excellent point about treading lightly; parents may take it out on the kids later)
- Join an advocacy group, or donate to one. Here are a few: The National Children's Advocacy Center; Prevent Child Abuse America; National Children's Alliance; Children's Rights
- America does not have much of a "children's rights" movement, as some other nations do, but such a movement exists globally, and the sort of abuse to which children worldwide are subjected beyond the domestic sphere is heinous: sex-trafficking, child labor, child soldiers... Some organization you might like to check out: Child Rights Information Network; Amnesty International; UNICEF.
- Talk up the issue. Write your Congress Critters. Barack is kinda busy with saving the world, so consider dropping a line to Michelle. (I suggest snail mail.) I don't mean to be stereotypical, but First Spouses are traditionally strong women's and children's issues advocates (perhaps because they've all been women...), and Michelle has yet to plant a flag in the sand (is that a mixed metaphor?) for a particular issue.
- Finally, there are ways in which you can make a difference in the lives of individual children. The most obvious is to become a foster parent, but I understand that this presents a great economic burden for most people. You can become a Court-Appointed Special Advocate for a foster child. And of course, there's the Big Brother/Big Sister program. If you know of a child who is being abused, and you've reported the situation, the most important thing you can do on a personal level is validate that child's experiences and provide them with a positive adult role model. (-thanks to karma bum for the edit suggestion)
To bring things to a close: I know this is hardly the ideal diary on child abuse. I'm responding to what is, in my perception, a gap in the discourse (not to belittle the efforts of stopritualabuse :P ) I would, however, like to point to the work of Nulwee, who wrote a deeply introspective and moving diary just this past week and deserves to be commended for her courage (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying so here). I've noticed that certain topics gain momentum at dKos after a sufficient number of people diary about them. Often it's because there's some controversy about how a topic should be dealt with, but I'm hoping to add to a different kind of momentum. A momentum away from the sensationalism of an individual alleged child abuser, who is now dead and can do harm only in memory, and toward the reality of the millions of children in this country who are suffering today because we do not have a system that address the issue adequately. I hope to further educate myself and diary about this again, and in the meantime I welcome comments and suggestions, as always.
ETA: Oh my goodness, rec list? More importantly, thank you all for your expressions of support. They are very much appreciated. But, it isn't necessary to feel sorry for me. I'm in a tough spot these days but I'm a grown up now, and I have, if not the resources, the knowledge that I need to deal with these issues. Be sorry for those who don't.
ETA II: If you have nerdly inclinations and you're curious about some of the ramifications of child abuse, as documented by Real Live Scientists, I recommend Pubmed and JSTOR (it definitely helps if you are associated with a University or College). Failing that, try Google Scholar. If nothing else it'll get you abstracts.
ETA III: Many commenters have brought up the fact that MJ was himself abused by his father. While I did not wish to make this another diary about MJ, I recognize that in bringing the subject up, I should give it due treatment, especially in light of the fact that I've placed weight on the cyclical nature of abuse (although, again, in my diary it's "alleged": just the facts).