I work in one of our many government facilities across this proud land of ours. Mine in particular has been given some facelifts and renovations over the past few years, and the most recently completed "phase" has involved one of the two major entryways to the building. During construction, a makeshift pathway with temporary doors was created, much like going into a hedge maze, but made of wood instead of bushes. This led of course past the dangers of the construction area so workers could get to the elevator lobby.
During Pre-Enlightenment (before November, 2008), this walkway led you past the requisite Presidential and Vice Presidential portraits of Dubya and Cheney: Dubya's being the fresh (okay fresher) face of the first term Bush, before the toll of his presidency drug his face down like a melting Dorian Gray portrait. Cheney's, of course, was the one with the used car salesman smirk, like he was ready to pawn off a Ford Pinto on unsuspecting Aunt Agnes. If I was coming in via that entrance, I would hiss under my breath at their portraits, counting the days til someone, really ANYONE would take their places. Anything so I no longer had to walk by those idiots.
And as it happened, the candidate I ending up falling for (truly, I have a very respectful crush on the man), was elected POTUS. With his choice of VP, Joe Biden, on their way to D.C., I wouldn't have to walk by those UCKY UCKY pictures of Bush and Darth...err...Cheney ever again! (The chances of me going to a museum featuring either one is equivalent to a ski resort opening in hell.)
Like a kid at Christmas, I came bounding in the next day I worked after the election. I came in the door expecting to see a smiling Barack and Joe waiting for me. Of course, this was far too soon. Like a prisoner who knew parole was coming, I rushed the gates expecting to be let out the minute freedom from Bushdom was announced. I would, of course, have to wait. We had to have The Inaugural after all, and our current lame duck had a few weeks of wacky quackitude left in him. I counted the waiting days, scratching tally marks on the walls of my cell/cubicle.
At long last, we had The Inauguration. I rushed in again, waiting to bathe in the glow of Barack and Joe, only to find nothing. I found empty spaces where the recently deposed had been disposed. Was somebody kidding? These guys are rock stars now, photographed in enough magazines to give Brangelina envy...we didn't have portraits AT THE READY. Unacceptable!
What if we had a first-day-of-the-administration crisis? Who's portraits were we to turn to? Sheesh.
I reviewed the situation and came to the conclusion that much like fashion, music, style, fad diets, and flu vaccine, things take a bit longer to get to the Midwest. Probably all over D.C. and the East Coast, Smiling Obama and Biden greeted our federal workforce. Hillary probably already had her portrait up at State. So, I took a deep breath, and waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
Til finally, one day, early March I believe, I trudged in through the makeshift entrance to see Barack Obama waiting for me. I.swear.to.God my heart skipped a beat. There he was, didn't matter if he had a closed mouth smile, he was still gorgeous. Very presidentially gorgeous of course. Statesman/Gorgeous. So enraptured was I, that I almost didn't notice the conspicuous absence of the Veep. Hey Joe, where'd ya go? Our Joe, a no show? Woah!
By now, I was coming up with excuses much faster. They arrived, due to security reasons, in different shipments. (You learn to think of even the arrival of toilet paper with "security reasons" attached.) And it wouldn't do to have Joe arrive first, I mean really, Barack Obama is the President after all. Joe would be along soon.
Trouble is, he wasn't. Hasn't. Isn't. Beginning this seventh month of the Obama Administration, and our portrait of Joe continues to be M.I.A. And I am concerned. I haven't been to any other facilities to see if he's displayed there. What gives?
A Google search of "Vice Presidential Portrait" yielded a US Government Bookstore order site where I could get my own GSA published portrait of the Veep for the low low price of $12.00 (International Price $ 16.80) for
a color portrait measuring 11x14 inches. The established delivery date shows as March 6, 2009. I could have had MY OWN Joe four months ago! Where's my freebie that I get to share with my couple of thousand co-workers?
Somethin' ain't right here...someone, somewhere has our Joe. Barack hangs there, like Batman without Robin, Lewis without Clark, Stiller without Meara. Does anyone know, is this an FBI thing, or a CIA thing, or even a Secret Service thing? Does Joe have his own undisclosed location for his portraits?
All I know is, we gotta find him and soon. The way Cheney is staying in the headlines, I don't trust him to not try to sneak his portrait next to Obama's, as if to say "You thought you got rid of me, didn't you? Mwahahahahahaha". Rod Serling, if he were still alive, would have the shivers.