We open to a chapel, filled with pews. Men and women - mostly men, and mostly white - in business attire, fill the pews and talk quietly amongst themselves about the Dow Jones Industrial Average, how their stock portfolios are doing, etc. The choir is warming up; they wear green robes with giant golden dollar signs sewn on the front. Around the room, you can see statues of golden bulls, paintings of economists like Friedrich von Hayek and Milton Friedman, and statues of Ronald Reagan. The windows are stained glass, each focused around a different currency symbol. The leader of the church steps out behind his lectern, sporting the same golden dollar sign, and holds up a $100 bill. This immediately gets everyone's attention.
Good evening, brothers and sisters. First, I would like the Church to welcome all of our new members. *polite applause* Thank you for joining us, friends. I hope that all of you had a profitable Monday. Also, I am happy to announce that Brother John's company showed a marked improvement in profitability since last quarter, thanks to some precision layoffs and an increase in outsourcing. Let's all congratulate Brother John on his success! *The congregation applauds; Brother John stands and cries out "Praise Capitalism!" and the shout is echoed throughout the congregation.* One more announcement before the sermon - Sister Maria has been diagnosed with breast cancer. As she has no health insurance, she will likely soon join our Lord, the Invisible Hand, in the Heavenly Stock Exchange. In the meantime her fledgling home cleaning business may soon be bankrupt. So, some of you might prepare to purchase her business or its liquidated assets. I imagine it'll be quite a steal! *The congregation laughs.*
On the topic of health insurance, today's sermon, brothers and sisters, is about health care "reform." You and I know that our Lord, The Invisible Hand of the Marketplace, does not want health care to be reformed in the United States. You know that The Invisible Hand does not want government interfering in His affairs. You know that He wants free reign to move His Marketplace about to His liking! *The priest emphasizes this last point by banging his hand on the lectern repeatedly. A businessman in the front shouts "Praise Capitalism!" and the shout is echoed throughout the congregation.*
Some have said that the United States should consider the ways of other nations. but we must not let that happen. We are the Invisible Hand's most blessed people - His Chosen Capitalists - and we must not sink to the level of the sinners in Europe and Asia! We see how the Invisible Hand has punished the sinners in Europe and Asia - many of them don't even make a profit *bang-bang-bang on the lectern* in their health care sectors! That is no accident, friends - that is the Invisible Hand punishing those sinners!
Yes, it may be true that health care outcomes are better in other nations. But what's more important, I ask you? Lives, or profit? *"Profit!" the congregation says as one.* What is more important, I ask you - quality of life, or profit? *"Profit!"* What is more important - the lives of mere infants, or profit? *"Profit!"* I can't hear you, brothers and sisters. What is most important in the eyes of Our Lord, the Invisible Hand? *"PROFIT!!!" they shout, followed by various cries of "Praise Capitalism!", "Praise Saint von Hayek!" and "Praise Saint Ronald!"*
*The choir starts to clap in unison and breaks into a hymn: "Money Inc.", the theme song of "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase. Many of the parishoners join in.*
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Thank you for that wonderful performance! Everyone, please give a round of applause for the Capitalist Choir - and don't forget to pay them after the service. They accept checks, money orders, and all major credit cards. I also understand that they're selling a new CD, so be sure to purchase a copy. I'm told that it's great for motivating yourself on your way to work, especially if you're going to fire somebody. Which reminds me, before I resume the sermon...Deacon Bruce? I'm sorry, Bruce, but your services are no longer required. Please clean out your desk and return your robes to the secretary on your way out. You won't be getting your deposit on the robes back, I'm afraid - we all saw you spill soda on them last week. Goodbye.
Great. So, some of you may be asking, what does the Invisible Hand wish of me in this dark time? Well, aside from paying me and the choir after the service, the Invisible Hand wants you to fight against this so-called "reform" tooth and nail! If your company has any interest in health care whatsoever and you don't have a lobbyist in Washington, now is the time to get one! Admittedly, they're not cheap, but the return on your investment will be higher than anything in your portfolio - well, perhaps except for those of you with significant investments in the People's Republic of China. In fact, the health care industry is spending over $1.4 million in Washington right now.
But that may just not be enough to stop the Insidious Do-Gooders - the Pinko Communist Socialists that started this "reform" nonsense in the first place. *The congregation boos loudly.* Our previous president and Congress understood - the Invisible Hand is all knowing and must not be questioned under any circumstances! So, brothers and sisters, you know what you must do. You must act as agents of the Invisible Hand to stop this "reform." Whatever you do to stop this initiative - whatever you invest - the Invisible Hand will reward you handsomely in this life and the next. The value of your stock portfolio will rise, your holdings will increase in value, and your costs will go down! Remember, the Invisible Hand helps those that help themselves! And remember, the Invisible Hand rests on each of your shoulders. Have a profitable week, everybody. And don't forget to stop by the cashier on your way out - my services are not free! *The congregation laughs knowingly. The choir starts their rendition of "Money (That's What I Want)" http://en.wikipedia.org/...*