We have returned to the Church of the Invisible Hand. (Last week's sermon is here.) The pews are filled again, mostly with WASP males, just like last week. A number of them are admiring the new statue of Ayn Rand that was purchased for the Church by cmhmd and ItsJessMe. It stands near the statue of Ronald Reagan, and portrays the famous writer in a shrugging position while a globe sitting behind her burns. The green-and-gold clad Capitalism Choir is warming up for another performance. A young man in matching garb is nearby preparing their merchandise table - Capitalist Choir hats, T-shirts, and so on. The church leader steps to the front, and the congregation settles in for another joyful and informative sermon.
Good evening, brothers and sisters! I hope you all had a profitable Monday. I don't know about you, but I found the latest unemployment numbers very depressing. It's a shame that we should have so many people receiving free help from the government while they seek work. I don't know about you, but I'd rather see those slackers slaving away in a factory and earning the help they get! *The congregation cheers!*
Now, that leads right into this week's sermon. Brothers and sisters, those foul liberals would probably find my previous statement appalling. They would call me cruel, heartless, and selfish. But what they don't understand is that the concept of "welfare" is anathema to Our Lord, Our Savior, Our Guide - the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace. What's more important, I ask you - ensuring that people can meet their basic needs while they search for new work, or respecting the decisions that the Invisible Hand has made? Of course we all know the answer - we respect and obey the Invisible Hand! He puts money into our coffers. He increases the value of our stock portfolios. He gives us gold, silver, diamonds, golf clubs, and horse riding lessons!
*A member of the congregation begins to chant, "Down with Liberalism!" and the congregation quickly joins him. The leader claps and absorbs the energy of the group.*
Oh, friends, I could not agree with you more if I tried. But please, do try to be patient with the liberals. Not all of them are lost causes. Some of them can be taught the Right Way. For example, see Senator Baucus of Montana, who is so beholden to our lobbyist friends that he won't push for the healthcare reform that a majority of the rabble want. Senator Baucus is learning what it means to be a "big spender!"
*The Capitalist Choir launches into a rendition of "Big Spender."
The congregation applauds them warmly.*
Thank you for another stellar performance, Capitalist Choir. Remember, brothers and sisters, their performances are not free, so be sure to pay on your way out and purchase lots of their merchandise. I'm told that their CDs and T-shirts make great "Christmas in July" gifts. And, of course, don't forget to pay me, too. We're testing a new "self checkout" system along with our cashier. If it works out, we may be able to "downsize" Sister Sally and I will be able to save even more money! *The congregation applauds at this, and several shout praises to their favorite saints, like Milton Friedman, Ayn Rand, and Ronald Reagan. Sister Sally shoots the leader a very dirty look, but he pays no mind.*
Friends - Brothers and Sisters - we can save our liberal friends from themselves. Not all of them, but we can do it. And the first thing we must teach them is that regulation is evil! The Invisible Hand cannot be restrained by regulations - it's like spitting into the wind! And regulations anger Him, and rightfully so! Regulations just slow Him down and annoy Him, just as stop signs and traffic lights anger us when we are in a hurry to our next business meeting - a problem not helped by our incompetent drivers, of course. *The Leader looks directly at his driver, who is seated in the back. The driver starts to visibly sweat.*
Some who are not as faithful as we have suggested that perhaps some compromises *foul look, like he smells something rotten* could be made - that maybe some regulations would make sense. You don't compromise with the Invisible Hand! *The leader bangs loudly on his lectern with each word.* You might compromise with your neighbor about what color to paint the fence. You cannot compromise with an omnipotent, omniscient being! You must obey!
Now, some might tell you that the recent downturn in the economy was because of a lack of regulation. This is nonsense! *The leader emphasizes the point by banging on his lectern.* The economic downturn has but one cause: the Invisible Hand's decision! Sometimes He chooses to bless us with riches, and other times he continues to bless us with riches, but we have to work harder for them. He is testing your faith, brothers and sisters! Are you willing to do what He wishes of you? Are you willing to lay off workers, cut salaries and benefits, and generally do whatever is necessary to keep making large profits? The congregation returns a resounding 'YES!'
That is all for this week. Have a profitable week, everyone, and don't forget to pay the Choir and myself on your way out. *The choir again sings the hymn, "Money (That's What I Want)."*