Since we're in an apologetic mood.
Dear World,
We are sorry. We ugly and selfish Americans are sorry. We’ve been too wrapped up in our own lives to look around and see the collective anger. We were too busy with such trivial things like freedom, democracy, and quality of life that we’ve never asked you what you think of us. What do you think of us?
While the injustices that we have caused are too many to count, I think that it’s important to let you know that we care. As the new President of the United States, I feel it’s my job to heal the wounds. To make right the wrongs. To hear the dialogue of the world, and make sure that we are not disruptive or controversial. This insurmountable task lies on me.
We are sorry for everything.
To the Brits: We are sorry for declaring our independence. You clearly had our best interests in mind. While we’ve remained fast friends over the years, I think that it’s important to acknowledge how sorry we are. We are arrogant, while you are thoughtful and kind.
To Europe: We are sorry for WW II. We were much too intrusive, and much too concerned about things like “loss of life”and world domination. We tried to stay out of it. We wanted to stay on the sidelines. But, then things like Pearl Harbor and our alliances got in the way. To Germany: I’m especially sorry. We Americans should be more considerate. Please tell the families of the fallen Nazi soldiers that we are truly sorry.
To France: We are sorry for your freedom, pleasant smells, and Lance Armstrong. We are just rude.
To Israel: It’s our fault.
To Iran: I’m sorry to even suggest that you might be developing a nuclear program for less than honorable purposes. It’s just that we get so paranoid when ideological governments suggest things like the “total destruction of Israel”. This paranoia is probably imaginative, and not from understanding of history. We’re sorry. Please let your civilians live.
To Iraq: I’m sorry about your new democratic elections. Again, mea culpa.
To Canada: You’re worth mentioning. We’re sorry.
To the Fundamentalist Muslim world: We are sorry. We are sorry that we let 3000 American lives get in the way of your right to express yourself. We got what we deserved. We’re sorry for Gitmo, and the outrage that it has caused. Who would have thought that America, in a time of need, would sink to new lows like non tortuous torture? We are the true Barbarians, while you are honorable.
To the Former USSR: Things have changed and we are sorry. Communism isn’t such a bad idea, if you really think about it. After all, you guys helped us in WWII. We didn’t really mean to suggest that you should “break down the wall”. You took us too literally. Let’s be friends, because we’re sorry.
(To the new Russia): We are sorry for things that haven’t occurred yet.
To China: We are sorry. We are sorry that that your economy survives on ours. We should be friends. We’ve never really crossed paths in a bad way, but we ARE sorry. And please, don’t stop buying our debt. I’m investing in a New America, and you’re welcome to invest. (By the way, I’m going to “invest”, if you know what I mean. Do you know what a T-Note is? A T-Note = a Trillion. There are like 14 of these bad boys out there if you want them. )
By way of an apology, I will personally oversee the destruction of America as you know it. I will correct all of the wrongs that we have caused. My administration is committed to the complete and final restructuring and social re-engineering of our lost country.
As a gesture of good will to the rest of the world, America will try very hard to adopt your failed policies. I feel in my heart that the USA should give Socialism an honest try. After all, history proves that Socialism always works out well for everyone involved. We will try “Cap and Trade”. I hear that it’s great for the environment. Socialized Medicine? We’ll do that, as well. I just hope that I don’t end up with a British dentist (I crack myself up).
To the American people: Shame on you. You are selfish and reckless people.. I feel pity when I think of you.
We are sorry. America is undeserving of greatness.
God Bless you, but definitely not us.
President of the United States (and Best Friend Forever),
Barack Obama