WASHINGTON - Sept. 8 - President Barack Obama's speech to the schoolchildren of America went horribly wrong today, sending thousands of children streaming into the streets with blood running from their ears.
"He told me to work harder!" screamed Charlie Grackle, 11, of West Bend, Ga., clutching his bleeding ears.
"He told me not everybody is successful at everything!" cried Letisha Watson, 14, of nearby Cummings, Ga. "This has destroyed my self esteem and caused bleeding from my ears!"
Others pinned the physical trauma of the President's speech on the ear-splitting volume ordered by the Ministry of Headbanging Speech Volume.
Nationwide, many thousands of children were apparently harmed by the President's insistence on addressing them as "everyone." This invocation of the communist collective was too much for tender brains raised on leftover Hannity and bits of fallen O'Reilly.
A transcript of portions of the President's speech:
Bla bla bla STAY IN SCHOOL bla bla bla KILL YOUR PARENTS bla bla bla RUN UP YOUR PARENTS' AMEX CARD bla bla bla WASH YOUR HANDS bla bla bla KILL THE GOOPERS bla bla bla KILL WHITEY bla bla bla VAN JONES IS KEWL bla bla bla COMINTERN bla bla bla COLLECTIVE GOOD bla bla bla MICHELLE IS SLEEVELESS EAT THAT MO FOS! bla bla bla AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.