I am! Between dumbass Republicans and corporations being treated as individuals to illegal wiretapping to torture to killing abortion doctors to treating gay folks as second class citizens (not to mention women and "minorities"), I'm starting my own goddamned country.
Won't you stay to find out what's in Country o' Shiz?
THE COUNTRY O'SHIZ!
September 22, 2009
by Her Majesty
Here are the rules:
- Everybody is treated equally. Women, men, blacks, Asians, Latinos, Jews, Arabs, Muslims, Christians, gay people (in the entire GLBT spectrum), even Scientologists. Congressional political leaders are a direct reflection of the population (if we have a 50% female population, we have 50% female representation in Congress), which is taken on a yearly basis to ensure accuracy.
- No friggin' Scientologists allowed.
- And you're only allowed to be a Christian if you promise to act like Christ.
- Healthcare for everybody! Yay! Government owned and operated, we do not understand this "insurance company" business of which you speak. We do not have such things.
- These are hereby banned from Her Majesty's land: abject poverty, starvation, abuse, neglect, I/P, and Mark Sanford.
- Everybody has a job. If you can't work for some reason, the government will care for you. Because we're cool like that.
- Every week, on Saturday mornings, there are Gay Pride parades. Everybody stays afterwards to party; parties last all day and night! Daylight activities for the kids (ferris wheel, go-carts, that sort of thing) and nighttime for the adults (I can't talk about that here). If you're not into that, we also have block parties every Saturday, just because.
- Sundays are "quiet time", shut up.
- Small, but effective, military. The government pays you people well.
- Low crime rate. Fully armed police department, complete with CSI-like DNA shit.
- Teachers get the best possible salaries. So do nurses, doctors, firepeeps, police peeps, therapists, who am I forgetting here?
- Ponies ponies ponies!
- Very common stuff: balloons, hair braiding, massages, flower crowns, hippie music, geeks, weirdos, yoga, and organic food.
- All cars run on some sort of alternative source, like algae. (I hear that's a real thing.) Wind energy everywhere. Car pools are common.
- Price of gas is, like, .01 per gallon. No, wait, make it free! Completely government-funded. Heh.
- Bartering is better than cash, so let's try to work with that if we can, but we got some coolass-looking money, so we have that too. And no, we do not accept checks.
- Barack Obama (and Michelle and the girls) can come, but he has to lean left a little bit. OK, a lot.
- Pot smoking is legal and regulated.
- Dieting is frowned upon.
- Update as necessary.
Please suggest other rules in the comments. If Her Majesty Shiz likes them, she might include them.
P.S. Also, I'll need a lot of land. And a ton of funding.