This morning, looking futilely again through the job listings, smiting as many of the scammers as I can, and recalling the fatuous bit of "help" I recently read on MSN about how the most important thing in getting a job today is connections I mulled over the thought of appealing to the community here to ask if anyone has an opening in my neck of the woods, and thought why not? What's the worst that could happen?
And then being me, I answered promptly "getting outed locally and losing your current shit job working for wingnuts that was the only job offer in over a year of searching" but then after another hour of prowling through the underbrush of scams and jobs for people with nursing degrees or accounting degrees or other degrees or experience in fields that I don't have and still more scams, I thought "Heck, I'll do it, I can be careful" and so I have done.
I'm looking for a job in Manchester, NH that pays $400 a week take-home, since rent in a downscale firetrap old tenement building here runs a bargain at $900 a month. I can do a lot of different things, as I list after the fold...
...and as I am also trying to find a job that isn't a living hell that makes me have to take antacids to be able to face walking in the door each morning - I've had one or two, but they were part-time, temporary ones that won't pay the rent - I list what I hope for from a workplace environment, too.
Moreover, I don't have a car, which means that I am limited to places accessible on foot or via the MTA, which is effectively zip code 03101 and a maximum 3-mile radius with some major gaps, unless a company car or relocation expenses are included. I would like one with better-than-junk insurance, but since I have no insurance now, that's not a deal-breaker necessarily.
(Please don't tell me to check out the Ning site - it's a mess, in every possible way, and as useful as looking for that one particular item at a three-acre flea market. Please don't tell me to just keep on hoping and something good will surely just come my way, either; that's Tinkerbell-hand-clap talk, unfitting for adults - or children either - and fifteen years too late. Check out the catalogue of Fatal Protocol Errors in my last diary, and don't make them; respond if, and only if, you have a position, or know of one - a real one - that fits my qualifications...not otherwise.)
Qualifications:
• Mac & Windows cross-platform facility (I also remember some DOS, but distantly);
• 80+ wpm keyboarding, experienced with a variety of word processing programs and data entry software of various kinds;
• Photoshop, including advanced restoration of damaged originals and color correction;
• Indesign & Quark, and fast (with the old caveat of Pick Any Two, of course.)
• Preparing files for printing, offset or laser, including fixing Word & Excel files to output correctly;
• Some html, less CSS;
• Some lab experience, namely: sorting specimens and cataloging them from entrainment samples; safe handling of formaldehyde and other preservatives; cleaning of carboys and glassware without breakages; preparing well slides; using both double and single eyepiece scopes;
• Dewey Decimal System, several years' familiarity, and a smattering of LOC;
• Setting up microfilm/microfiche readers;
• Handling holiday shoppers three seasons running in the mall, after my 40-hour day job doing printing tech support;
Non-qualifications: BA in Philosophy (Magna Cum Laude) from a smallish (over 1000 / under 2000 students) mainstream Catholic liberal arts college in New England; decent SAT scores which I have forgotten by now; long-expired CPR certification, never used.
Possible qualifications:
The ability to drink horrible coffee without complaint; to drive in/around Boston in rush hour; to read maps; to climb even round-runged ladders in dress pumps without slipping; to walk three miles in fifty minutes (in good weather, not ice or snow) without halting for rest whilst carrying a 15lb pack; to read a smattering of French, Italian & German; to be mistaken for a Briton in Britain without trying; to see fine detail in low-light conditions (ie read in near-dark); to play Renaissance recorder (soprano and tenor) moderately well and tin-whistle poorly; to launch, paddle, and beach a canoe without tipping it; to drive a standard transmission; to saddle, bridle, and ride a horse at an intermediate level, and to unharness and groom it after; to prune thorny canes without incurring too much injury; to sketch and render in pencil, crow quill pen, pastel, watercolor, acrylics/oils and Wacom; cable knitting; to wake and work odd hours; to travel the world without dread of the unknown.
Anti-qualifications: no car, no savings, and thus no way to travel beyond that 3-mile range; no notable personal connections; no great shakes in the looks department; no programming skills; no bookkeeping training or experience; no stats training (tho' some field experience); no Flash or video editing training or experience; a nerd, but with no Linux/Unix ability; also, perhaps, my politics and personality, which to Kossacks and other frequenters of the blogosphere are no secret, but which are only a part of the picture, online.
So here is what I'm like as a colleague or employee, in what is so amusingly termed "real life" - my real voice is online, in my writings, so far as I'm concerned - but there is more to getting along than just beliefs, opinions, and even shared likes/dislikes, so here is a self-portrait of things relevant to employment, as fairly as I can sketch it:
IRL I am quiet, reserved to the point of involuntary invisibility (which would be useful if I were a ninja but since I am not it can be inconvenient) but also blunt, frank, and allergic to drama: if you want my opinion you must ask for it, and then I will give it - but if you get angry at me afterwards for telling the truth then you will not ever get my opinions again. Do not "fish for insults" around me, as I am likely to take it as a genuine opinion request. Injustice - towards me or to anyone else - is an instant respect-killer for me: office bullies, rank-pullers, and favorites-players go onto the same shit list as backstabbers, ass-kissers and head-game-players. "But [X] is the boss!" doesn't cut it as a justification for any sort of bad behavior, for me - I'm a radical egalitarian who expects my leaders to, well, lead by being even better than I am at the job, not because they purchased their commission or inherited the property.
I think a day spent researching in dusty archives for obscure bits of information is a day well-spent, and doing it for work is a paid holiday.
I suffer fools, but not gladly; I do not flatter well, and spend a lot of time biting my tongue, although I am very patient with the ignorant-but-willing-to-learn. (This patience will run out if it becomes evident that you are simply feigning helplessness to get me to do your work for you.) Fit-throwing does not impress me positively. However, because I grew up in a high-drama, high-violence, all-round abusive household, my ability to put up with shit is rather high: this means that a) many people tend to think it's okay to push me around, and b) it takes a long time to reach and pass my tolerance levels, which in turn leads such folks to think that I am behaving out of character when I finally do lose my temper - or even simply tell them flat out that they have crossed a line and need to step back. But it is simply part-and-parcel of my philosophy of work: that we are here to do a job and do it well, so that we can get paid and go home at the end of the day satisfied and our customers can go home satisfied, and playing playground dominance games with each other is not any part of that.
I do not agree with lying to customers, nor cheating them; this is one reason why I am not a good saleswoman, never have been and never will be. The circumstances under which I can successfully "upsell" are to people who are already interested in a product that I am interested in myself: I am pretty good at helping people pick out books, including gift books, if they can give me the slightest bit of data about the recipient, and I am pretty good at helping people make decisions about basic computer stuff. However, this low-pressure, figure-out-just-what-the-customer-needs approach does not fit the Glenngarry Glen Ross world we live in. I can't convince people that buying into a discount program will benefit them if it won't, and what's more, I won't even try. I hate to be pushed, deceived, and pressured: how can I then do so to others?
I am not an optimist, rather I am one of those who before building a tower, sits down and calculates how much it will cost and only then decides, or recommends a decision, based on what the likely outcomes will be in my estimation. This frequently has gotten me accused of "wanting us to fail," "not having a can-do attitude," "being negative," and so forth, because I won't sweeten up my reports based on how excited everyone else is, nor will I refuse to consider all potential costs and difficulties based on my past experience, wide reading or detailed knowledge of our resources and past performance. Like a true oracle, I will never promise you a victory, but I will do my best to assess our chances of success.
Thus, if you're looking for a cheerleader who will encourage you to plunge headfirst into a project that your company has neither experience, nor staff, nor funds (nor the willingness nor ability to acquire/devote) to tackle with any hope of success, because CNN says that, oh, personalized laser-studded dog collars are going to be HUGE this Christmas!1eleven (even though we have never made nor sold dog collars nor have any experience in the pet fashion industry whatsoever), I am not your woman. If I warn you against something, and you do it anyway, and it fails catastrophically, I won't take the blame for not being able to compel my superiors to heed my advice, Kassandra-like, either. The same goes if I recommend for, and you go ahead with it, but refuse to sufficiently fund/devote resources, and then blame me because it failed when you tried to do it on the cheap/in our Copious Spare Time/with people who didn't know what they were doing.
OTOH, if you do something well, I will give you all due credit, and then some. I'm not proud...
(Likewise, if you shoot down every last recommendation I make - whether or not you then go on to accept it when it comes from one of your favorites - then eventually I will stop bothering to put any effort into trying to come up with new business plans or researching new ways of saving money or pointing out that we are being pennywise at the cost of hours of lost time and data following yet another computer crash due to it being a ten years old POS. I don't have the time or energy for these kinds of power games.)
Unless we are close personal friends, I don't want to know about your sex life any more than your digestion. (Even then, I probably don't, either.) I resent bitterly any forcing of such TMI as your rug burns or the claw marks you gave your boyfriend, as I do any demands for information about my sex life. It's none of your fucking business, double-entendre intended.
Yes, I make bad puns too, though I try to keep them to my writing, but sometimes they just happen. Also - being a lifelong nerd - I sometimes slip up and make obscure references and talk about oddball subjects like Sutton Hoo and the evolution of honeybees and the necessity of frosty nights for fall foliage and the works of Charles Dickens' less-famous friend Wilkie Collins.If you are threatened by people who like to read, or who like to read Victorian novels, or the encyclopedia for fun, or science fiction & fantasy, or who voluntarily listen to opera/Enya/bagpipes, or by women who are also nerds, then click the [X] now.
I don't play video games. This is not a moral stance. I can't afford the hardware or the software, and I am a plot/puzzle-solving person, not a fast-reaction person, so I don't do well at most games anyway. I enjoy other people enjoying video games. I am apathetic to a fault about sports, though I don't judge those who aren't unless they harass me for my non-sports-fandom.
I do not smoke. I am a moderate drinker, with how much I consume largely depending on who's paying for it; a sixpack or a bottle of wine can last me a week. I do not, and never have, used drugs; this again is not a moral stance, any more, but a combination of lack of access/offers, lack of money, and the fact that my drug-of-choice is the printed word, closely followed by international folk music. I have come, after years of reading liberal commentary on the matter, to consider the War On Some Drugs As Used By Some People to be a folly and a villainy as it is practiced, but it does not affect me directly. (I do consider it rude to light up a spliff in front of others without even offering anyone else a toke.)
I can and will eat almost anything, though I draw a firm line at Miracle Whip, and I am not sure if I could manage to eat bugs (on purpose). I cook pretty well, but much don't care to - not a chef but I'm not limited to "the deli when it comes to office parties or potlucks. (I once made my own phyllo dough, as a challenge, and it was better than edible, though not the best spanakopita ever.)
I have no criminal record beyond past (& paid-up) parking tickets. I have terrible credit, having been dirt poor for so long, which becomes an Ouroboran situation.
I have mild asthma that only manifests in extreme cold, high humidity, or with aerosol contaminant exposure. I have, as stated here repeatedly, very bad dental problems, which is part of why I'm trying to find a job that pays better than $300 a week. I also have some chronic pain issues, partly related to a car accident almost two years ago & the fact that I couldn't afford treatment then or since. Otherwise I am in good health so far as I know and rarely take a sick day.
I can't wear high heels. Not, that is, without excruciating pain, as I have had bunions since I was sixteen. (I do not appreciate being told that all I really care about, being female, is cute shoes.) All expressions of gender essentialism drive me nuts, as does Bullshit Nostalgism, the harking back to a fictional "Good Old Days" when human nature was a different animal and life was "simpler." Folks, I was a time-traveler once, as a reference aide in the city library working the stacks and periodicals research: there never was such a halcyon past, a "simpler time." Unless you want accuracy and corrections (or silent contempt), don't start trouble by making such inflammatory assertions.
I don't make trouble, mind you: I keep my opinions, political and matters of taste, as private offline as possible - both for my own safety, to avoid harassment, and because I follow that golden rule of not inflicting on others what one doesn't care to have inflicted on one's self. I don't assume that anyone shares my tastes or my beliefs, and in the workplace it's not just not anyone else's business, it's counterproductive and causing of at best, distraction and at worst friction.
Of course, conservatives never, ever seem to follow this rule, either as employers or coworkers, or as customers, which is a major reason I'm looking for a liberal/progressive workplace in a non-wingnut-ridden field. (The other reason is that they're all grasping, exploitative, sexist, bigoted cheaters of both customers and employees, in my fifteen-plus-years experience of working for them. Mind you, some of my liberal/progressive/D-voting employers have been as well, so political alignment is not a guarantor of virtue in my book.)
Oh, and don't touch me without my permission. Unless we're close enough personal friends that we'd be hugging outside office hours, anything beyond a shoulder-tap to get attention is Unprivileged Contact, inappropriate, and makes my stomach churn. This goes equally whether you're male or female, but I've never had a female superior rub my back while I was trapped at my desk trying to feel my bra strap. I have however had one who grabbed my hand and crushed it painfully tight with a pair of tongs in it like the Dilbert cartoon of the boss grabbing the mouse to "demonstrate" how I should be using the equipment, and that was inappropriate too. (She was one of the asshole liberals, fyi.)
If you think it's funny to ambush me at my desk and make me jump in some kind of perverse dominance game - don't. Just don't. You really won't like the results.
If you insist I do something in a less-efficient way, because that's how you like to do it, you will lose my personal and professional respect. (See above re the sorting-tongs incident.) If it becomes obvious that you have such insecurity issues that you can't take anybody's advice about anything, I will have grave doubts about your ability to run your company or department anywhere but into the ground.
If you lose my trust - by lying to me, by flying into rages, by threats, by public humiliation and mockery, by punishing me for doing what you told me to do after you change your mind, by chastising me for using your terminal when you regularly commandeer mine, by letting your spouse steal from the inventory on a regular basis, or any other hypocrisy or way of displaying all the maturity and restraint of a cranky four-year-old - you will have to work damn hard to get it back. Pretending it didn't happen and that we're all friends now is not going to cut it. Neither is giving me a couple chocolates or a bouquet an adequate substitute for an apology and it never happening again. (Yes, these are all real examples from conservative Catholic employers. So was the back-rubber.) --Frex, if you make me train my clueless n00b, fresh-out-of-school part-time replacements while pretending that we are expanding, before giving me the heave-ho in the middle of a recession, and then you want to be all chatty and friendly-like when we chance to meet in the small town that is Southern NH, I will be hard pressed to remain even minimally civil. (I did manage it, altho' I'm not sure how well I shall next time.)
I will lend bus money, if I have it, and help with stuff like locked-in keys or other dilemmas, even to people who have given me grief, if they are in a spot. This is not because I am a pushover, but because I am what I call a "Christian Taoist/Taoist Christian" variously and it's part of that Golden Rule/Justice/Impartiality mess. This weirds people out. I can't help that.
I will work diligently, and proactively, but I am not a lackey in spirit: I have given up the belief that simply burning myself out for low wages, wearing my health down with overtime (paid or sometimes not) and frenzied deadlines, or abasing myself to do every chore first and enthusiastically will eventually result in either fiscal rewards or even merely being recognized and praised: no more playing Griselda, for me. If you charge customers $60/hr for my labors and begrudge me $10 of that, I will deem you a grasping schmuck and respect you accordingly. But if you are an honest and fair employer, I will give you your money's worth, and more. Employee loyalty is the just reward for employer loyalty.
--If, having read all this, and my past public postings in all their cranky glory, you truly believe that you have, or know of, a local opening for a full-time clerk, secretary, research assistant, lab assistant, gardener or Jill-of-all-trades - I would say, or for a typesetter/prepress operator at a liberal-progressive-owned printing plant, but I know that there are no such things as unicorns - that it would be worth all of our time for me to apply for, and not a waste of anyone's, email me and I will consider whether or not you are safe to out myself to, and if so provide my resume and references.
If not - well, I never expect anything from life any more anyhow, and nothing lost by this venturing.