(WARNING! This diary is not for the squeamish... or those who can not stand realistic U.S. Navy dialogue. However if you are a very spoiled rich kid, whose dad can buy him anything, including the Presidency, please, by all means, read on.)
We in Alabama have a bad - and for the most part undeserved - reputation.
Some people say we still eat dirt... or even bugs here.
This is not a new thing, I've been hearing it for years.
Thirty-six years ago they had just shaved our heads at Navy Boot Camp and we were all standing at attention in a line outside, our heads looking very much like newly peeled pale potatos.
Then...
Here came the tough drill instructor down the line angrily, asking each of us, where are you from, BOY?!
The unfortunate little guy the sarge stopped at before me was from Alabama, the same as I was.
The instructor spit out at him right in his face, "And where are you from you little maggot faced piece of dog S***?!
The kid - we were all just kids - said, "Sir, Alabama, Sir!"
And the oldtimer screamed out, "ALA- F******! - Bama! You eat BUGS down there don't you, boy?!!!"
Before the kid had a chance to answer the sarge shouted, "Well get your A** down on the ground RIGHT NOW and find you a big A** bug to eat and by God I want to See You eat every bit of it, including his A******!"
The boy dropped down to his knees, and then the Seargent was in my face and he was looking for trouble and my knees were shaking like Elvis'did when he was young
And the sarge said, "And what about YOU, you FOUR EYED pencil D*** M***** F***** Piece of Dog S***? Where in G** D*** H*** did a Piece of S*** like you get S*** out of your Father's A**?!!!"
I said, "Sir, Hawaii, Sir."
He said, "Ha F****** Waii???" It seemed to stump him for a moment, then he said, "Well, that's a good state!" and he went on to the next guy.
Everybody it seems, loves Hawaii.
I thought about that the other day... after I had eaten some bugs.
Here's how it happened:
As a still wannabe though now gray haired writer living in a small Alabama town, I am always looking for something to write about.
Sometimes, I get way more than I bargain for.
On October 14, 2009 I went to the Kmart location on Highway 77 near Gadsden, Alabama. I went because it was going out of business and I thought I might find something of interest to write about there.
I walked around the store, took photographs of the half empty interior, and listened to the people talking.
One man asked an employee, "Are any of y'all gonna be able to work at any of the other stores?"
The young employee just shook her head no.
I saw them take a one last group photo... before they were to join the ranks of the nationally unemployed.
And I was glad - for a moment - that I was not young anymore. All that struggling for jobs is hopefully way behind me.
I also looked at what they had left for sale at 40 to 60 percent off - with a no return, no refund police of course. Which would come in handy for them later, in my case.
There were Sacred Heart of Jesus candles, for 71 cents each. Also available with a Spanish Label.
And Larry the Cable Guy hats saying "Git-R-Done."
And blue jeans in the amazing size of 50 x 30.(Several of these!)
And a t-shirt that said, "Grab Your Balls, We're Going Bowling."
And then there little packages of Harry Potter's Chocolate Covered Flies.
I decided to buy one.
Big mistake.
I decided to buy them for two reasons: First, the packaging was interesting and I am completely impressed with the huge Harry Potter Marketing Machine that has made author J.K. Rowling one of the richest authors in the world. Harry's name is on everything in the world now.
The second reason I bought them was because the box said the chocolate "flies" had mint in them, and I am a complete sucker for the combination of chocolate and mint.
I'll try anything that says it has that in in it.
However, I was unaware of the other ingredients in the package, though I would soon find out.
I finished taking my notes, paid for the chocolate "flies" and some other stuff, and left the building.
My whole time inside the building had seemed somewhat surreal. They were still playing the canned music interspersed with advertising announements - as if the store would still be here as normal - instead of being gone on Monday.
I thought I had taken some good notes for a possible story... but I didn't really have a good ending for it.
But I had done all that I could do.
Some stories just don't have happy endings. Like the employees at that Walmart who would no longer have jobs.
On the way home I opened the candy package and glanced inside it, and saw that the candies did look in the general shape of "flies."
I reached down, grabbed some of them and ate them as I drove. They were delicious. I ate about half the box and felt full, and thought I would save the other half for work.
But when I got to work I realized I didn't want any more so I thought I would share them with a friend of mine, which I did, giving her the half empty box.
Then I put on my ipod earphones and began listening to music while I worked.
In less than a minute I heard the woman yell my name and come out of her office fast, saying something loud.
I took off my earphones and she was saying that candy you gave me has maggots in it.
I said, "You're kidding!"
She assured me she was not.
I said, "Oh, my God, I ate half a box!"
I followed her into her office.
She said, "I saw something crawling on my hand and asked myself where did that come from? Then I looked in the box and there they were: A whole family of them!"
I asked her how many she ate and she said about ten.
I said, "What did you do?"
She said, "I couldn't believe I just ate maggots!" Then I looked at my teeth to make sure there were no more in my mouth. Then I got a cup of coffee to was them down with!
She handed me the box and I looked in, and sure enough there were bugs , alive, and crawling in it. (I am not calling them magots, but bugs, because I am not sure what exactly they are.)
I said, "Give me the phone book," and I called the Kmart and talked to a manager. I told him what had happened and he needed to take the rest of the stuff off of the shelf.
He said he was "sorry."
I got off the phone and I told my friend I was so sorry, I would never do anything like that to her on purpose.
She said she knew that.
I asked her how she felt and she said she had felt sick when she realized what she had eaten.
She asked me how I felt and I said, "Not to good at the moment," knowing that I had probably ate about 20 of the candies or more.
I said, jokingly, "Well, should I sue them?"
She said, "Sue THEM?!! I'm going to sue YOU!!!" and laughed.
Then I told her, you know I went there to write a story about that store closing, but I really didn't have an ending to it. But now I do.
She said, "I guess you do!"
And the ironic thing about finding the bugs, is that some die hard Harry Potter fan somewhere, would have been thrilled to find live bugs in with his Harry Potter Chocolate Covered Flies.
But to the rest of you reading this report, you would be well advised to either pass up on the Harry Potter Chocolate Flies... or take a good look at them when you open the box.
The "bugs" inside may be more real than you bargained for.
As for me, I'm just glad I didn't buy the Harry Potter Bloody Pops!
And to anyone - including Kmart or the Chocolate Fly makers - who is inclined to disbelieve this story is true... and try to sue me for libel... my box of Harry Potters Chocolate "Flies" are now in a zip lock plastic bag as proof.
Later that night I thought what if people all across the country are about to eat Harry Potter Bugs.
I dashed off several emails to addresses of kmart people who are supposed to care about such things.
The next morning I got a call from somebody who said, " Can I speak to "AL?"
I said, "There's no Al here, you must have dialed the wrong number."
Then you could almost see him looking at a paper in front of him. He said, "Uh, I mean, Will." He had obviously read AL for Alabama. I don't think he was paying too much attention here. He really only wanted to know one thing.
I said, "That's me, who are you?"
He told me his name and said he was the head of food safety for Kmart.
Then he asked the one question which would determine what he would do next.
The question was, "Who are you with?"
Now in the Navy the equivilant question is, "Who do you know?"
Both questions mean the same thing: What they are asking really, is, How much trouble can you cause us? Or can we safely ignore you?
To be exact, he was trying to determine, if I was with a law firm.
When I said, "I am the consumer,"
He said, "Well, I'll look into this and get right back to you."
I knew then, I would never hear from him again, and I haven't.
But he doesn't have to worry. I am not going to sue.
Because I've still got the bugs...
And who knows?
Maybe I can sell them on Ebay.
Just in time for Halloween.
Some rich kid somewhere will pay big bucks
for Harry Potter Chocolate Covered Flys...
With real bugs in them.
And me and the rest of the people in Alabama
can go on with our normal lives of never eating bugs
on purpose.
And the rest of the nation can finally stop
teasing us about it.
One final thing about those bugs:
No checks please.
Paypal only.
Will Bevis
Willbevis.com
Twitter: @willbevis