Two woman and a man approached me last week as I was walking to my car after work.
the taller woman said "we're hungry. do you have any food?" it was not a question. it was a gruff demand.
at least they weren't asking for money. good thing too, since I had no cash in my wallet.
And actually, I have a lot of food in my car, but it is all in cans and boxes--I leave my non-perishables in the car when I have bought too many groceries to carry up the stairs.
So I told them that. "I don't think I have anything--most of this stuff is in cans. Do you have a can opener?"
"No" the man said.
I rummaged around in the back seat and found a box of cereal. "How about some cereal?" I said.
"We don't have any milk", the taller woman said again.
The smaller woman said nothing. The man looked longingly at the box but it was clear who was the leader of this group. I myself started to doubt how hungry they were. I've eaten cereal out of the box many times when there was nothing else left in the house to eat.
Then I remembered I had a bunch of 1/2 cup servings of peaches (i know, i know, not green packaging, but I need all the help I can get to eat appropriate serving sizes of food). "Hey, how about these peaches? You can just pull the tops off."
"We need meat. I want some meat." taller woman said.
That stopped me short. "I don't have any meat in my car," I said slowly, taken aback by the very idea.
Unfortunately then one of the two women I was walking with said in a chastising tone "why don't you just take what is offered and stop complaining."
"Hey, what's the matter with you?" taller woman said back to her, suddenly angry. I felt for my cel phone in my pocket. Damn. Was this going to escalate?
"Sorry, I don't have any meat in my car" I said again, the only neutral thing I could think of to say, even as I wracked my brain wondering if maybe I did have some cans of tuna or something. In my old high fat diet days I probably would have had a few cans of Spam to offer!
"Are you angry with us because we are homeless?" taller woman continued, getting a little louder and shifting her shoulders in my chastising friend's direction. My second friend moved closer. I knew she had a cel phone too, if anything physical should happen and my phone got knocked out of my hand or something.
Then the man said quietly, "We'll take the peaches." That broke the tension. I gave him the peaches. At that point I felt for him and wished I had some money to give directly to him. I had a little cup of change for parking meters. I decided if they asked for money I would give that, but they started to walk away. The smaller woman never said anything.
"Have a nice day" tall woman said sarcastically to my chastising friend as we dispersed. "You too," my friend said back. My second friend never said anything. She just looked relieved that it was over.
I get paid on the 15th and the 30th and had spent the last of what I had on those groceries, which I planned out to last me until today. Finances being the way they are at my job, I hope I get my check tomorrow.
Even though I've had a 30 hour a week job since March I'm still paying off old bills from working half time for two years, so I don't have a lot. My car is a '92 Clunker but I am grateful it still runs. I have a tire with a slow leak and I have to put air in it every week. I'm not living high off the hog and I don't have a lot of money to spare.
But when I am asked these days, I no longer care whether I am being scammed either.
Whether I give is about me, not them.
When I am approached I ask myself, am I feeling like a generous person in this moment?
Am I feeling grateful enough for what I do have that I am willing to express that karmic gratitude by sharing a little with this person who, for whatever reason, has decided to resort to begging?
Do I want to reinforce an attitude of plenty or scarcity in my mind, and in his/hers?
Someone I respect a great deal took me to task for this last month, saying she never gives to anyone because there are plenty of menial jobs and social services available. But getting institutional help requires a certain level of life skills and resources. You need an address for some benefits. You need to be able to read or have someone fill out forms for you. To get a job, you need a clean body and clean clothes, an alarm clock and transportation or some other ability to get places on time and be dependable, and the mental functioning to realize most people don't drive around with meat in their cars.
Sometimes I know I'm being lied to and I feel I am almost rewarding street performance. "I don't believe you, but you deserve something for coming up with a good story." I actually say that sometimes. People who play the guitar (badly) in the subway are offering entertainment in exchange for money. What is the difference really? One guy had a sign that said "Need $$$ for cigarettes." I gave him a dollar for honesty.
Kierkegaard said "Love cannot be deceived." In meditating on that statement over many years I have come to my own understanding of it: If I give, to the homeless or to anybody else in my life, because I am responding genuinely to the impulse of Love within me, it does not matter what the other person's motives are. I have been true to myself and true to my heart and true to my basic philosophy.
If I decide to give, it is unconditional. I don't care what you do with it or if I get paid back from you--I always get "paid back" from somewhere. Everything returns to me. I've gotten money from the oddest places at the oddest times. It happens so often it doesn;t surprise me anymore. I'm just getting back some of what I have given. It's all good.
I've never "loaned" a friend or family member money that I really needed to get back. If you want to "borrow" $20 and I have it, I'll give it to you. If you give it back, fine. If you don't give it back, I didn't give it to you expecting to get it back. If I don't love you enough to just give you the $20 not caring whether you give it back or not, then when you ask me to "lend" you money I'll just say no.
For those who believe in an all-knowing God, God knows whether that person is lying or not, and whether it was a righteous lie or a scam is on that person's soul, not mine. A person who "gets away with" deceiving me has only had a temporary "victory" because God cannot be deceived and everyone eventually has to answer to God, or karma, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or their own conscience. A lifetime of deceit generates its own punishment. In the meantime, I get to benefit from a lifetime of love and generosity.
This also does wonders for my own serenity and stress level. When someone begs of me, I don't have to spend any time agitating about basically unanswerable questions: "is this a "worthy" person? how will this money be spent? will they resell this food/subway token/fast food coupon for cash to feed an addiction? is this person really homeless/sick/in need? is this person scamming/laughing at me?"
I only have to answer a question about myself, and one that I can answer: do I feel like being the embodiment of love and generosity in this moment?
Most of the time (not always, but most of the time) I decide the answer is yes.
Bottom line: I have chosen to be a generous person who lives by the law of love, even though it means I get scammed sometimes or a lot of times. I have chosen not to be a cynic who lives by the law of distrust, and ignores genuine need because some or a lot of need is fake.
I've spent decades thinking about this, and that is the best I can come up with.