Dear Mr. Stewart: I am 58 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no internets.
My kids say "if Jon Stewart says it on Daily Report, it's so."
Please tell me the truth; is there Internets?
-Eddie
Eddie, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Eddie, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Eddie, there are internets. They exists as certainly as love and sadomasochism and beastiality exist and are filmed, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Internets. It would be as dreary as if the news were delivered solely on cheap paper with smeared ink. There would be no childlike faith then in balancing the budget by lowering taxes, no romantic wars to take our minds off of racism and exploitation that make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light which makes adults become childlike would be extinguished.
Not believe in Internets! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys, coaxial cables and wireless connections to catch the Internets, but even if they did not see the Internets coming in, what would that prove? Nobody sees Internets, but that is no sign that there is no Internets. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing in leather bars? Of course not, they wouldn’t let you in. But that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the childrens’ computers and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Eddie, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Internets! Thank Al Gore! he lives, and he lives until his Tennessee home is flooded by melting polar ice caps. But a thousand years from now, Eddie, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, the Internets will continue to make glad the heart of men who can’t get dates.