So yesterday yours truly spent some time on Twitter blowing the lid off ACORN, the world-controlling, election-swaying community organizing organization.
Then I went home, ate a God-fearing American dinner of spaghetti and enchiladas, said my prayers, got 8 hours of patriotic slumber, then got up, poured some (South) American coffee, and found something truly chilling in my e-mail inbox!
Jump...
My intial reaction?
I'd been followed, nay, stalked, nay, surrounded by the most evil and powerful of ALL community organizing groups!
Sarah Palin tried to warn us this would happen! Why didn't we listen to her?
How long will it be before I'm forced into prostitution by mind-controlling ACORN pimps? I'm too pretty for that! How long before they have me voting as Mickey Mouse in local elections? I can't do that over and over again!
I had to settle myself down. I love my country (sniff, sob) too much for these punks to silence me! (uncontrollable weeping) Ehhhaaagghh!
So I listened to a few Glenn Beck podcasts while sucking my thumb, and retraced my steps from yesterday. What had I done to raise the ire of this vile group of fascist commies? How had they discovered me?
Yesterday on Twitter, in celebration of respected private citizen Sarah Palin's new book, I changed my username from "droogie6655321" to "droogieMOREUSA." Then I started tweeting the truth about ACORN, for all to read, at the #acornfacts tag.
A few examples:
ACORN puts an additive in cocoa mix, making it impossible to blend it into liquid.
ACORN burns your grilled cheese sandwiches.
ACORN brought back swing music in the late '90s.
ACORN told cats to ignore your love.
ACORN knows you gotta have that funk, yet refuses to give up said funk.
I got a fever. The only prescription? More ACORN.
ACORN buys millions of Coldplay albums, inflating their popularity.
ACORN steps on your vacuum lines, making your carpet lose that "just vacuumed" look.
ACORN plays "Party in the USA" when you're trying to read.
ACORN cuts the roof of your mouth, making chewing painful.
ACORN makes your butt look big.
ACORN cut down the very last of the Truffula Trees.
ACORN is the fifth element.
ACORN kept jumping on the trampoline after you fell over.
Then, a fellow patriot on Twitter called thisto my attention. The Huffington Post Gestapo had identified my frequency and was trying to spread slanderous lies about my activities -- which are, needless to say, exactly what the Founding Fathers would have done.
Apparently these truths were too much for ACORN to handle, so the mindless yet well-organized thugs decided to target me. I don't even know what they have planned next...
The only thing I know to do is to follow ACORNCommunity on Twitter so hopefully I can study their movements further in an attempt to outmaneuver them. I may be surrounded now, but soon they'll be surrounded!
People... there is something happening. Something very frightening... And I fear that our children may not recognize the America that we grew up in. It's DISAPPEARING, and unless we do SOMETHING... it'll all be gone soon.
And we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.
(sniffle... sob)
Baaahwwwaaahhh-ha-ha-gagle...