In a move rich with tradition, today President Obama met briefly with reporters and photographers in the Rose Garden to announce the official pardon of "Courage" the White House turkey. Obama told a few jokes, patted the stately bird on its head, and returned to work.
Criticism from leading Republicans was swift.
"Just show me where in the Constitution it says that a president has the power to just wave his hand and pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving? Look, this isn't a partisan thing - I just want to know why this man hates our white Thanksgiving traditions." - Glenn Beck
"I think what you see here is when you have someone who is pardoning, or in not pardoning, turkeys or birds of some kind they have a real duty to not be seen in doing that. Who gets to make a call like that?" - Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin
"What kind of signal does this send to America's turkey enemies?" - Bill O'Reilly
"This is clearly a capitulation to Obama's PETA-loving liberal base, and it's a move far outside the normal American mainstream." - Rush Limbaugh (before unveiling a new song, sung by an impersonator of Rev. Al Sharption, which Limbaugh entitled "Jive Turkey")
"Rrrrrarr... Turkey." - Former Vice President Dick Cheney
"Turkey... Rrrrarrr." - Former What Was She? Liz Cheney
In addition: a variety of small, downhome grassroots organizations like the NRA and the US Chamber of Commerce called for a series of "Turkey Party" rallys across the nation in protest of Obama's move.
When reached for comment, White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs told reporters, "The President understands these concerns, the president shares these concerns, and we just ask that everyone remember that the president already has a lot on his plate this Thanksgiving, and we should not get sidetracked by these distractions." As of press time, there were reports that the White House was scheduling a "Turkey Summit" for the president to meet with the turkey and several members of the Republican House Caucus, to share a conversation over a tall, hot glass of gravy.
UPDATE: Special thanks to those in the comments who pointed out thisexcellent diary by Kossack "real satire", which also covers this important story.