How the Salahi-Golightlies actually got into the White House; what went horribly wrong, and other new disclosures from the House Homeland Security Committee.
In the criminal justice system the people are served by two separate but equally important groups. The Salahi-Golightlies who seem carefree and funloving (yet may harbor a slightly darker past) and are always "going places" frequently uninvited). And the Victoria’s Secret Service agents who just don’t notice. These are their true stories I just made up.
OK, let’s bring you up to date as we Salahi fourth into our new Bravo Network reality show On the Road to Subpoena: "What’s Up with the Salahi-Golightlies?" A week ago, kicking off my people’s overambitiously Bachanalian-designated "Festival of Lights," we took you inside our dynamic duo’s surprise Chanukah Crash of one of Washington’s hottest ticket events: "Virginia Couple Crashes Rahm Emanuel Nephews Bris." (Part. 1) Then Saturday, we clued you in on the zany antics of the House Homeland Security Committee, meeting to issue subpoenas for their guest appearance in January. Salahi-Golightlies to Take the Fifth - Outraged Maison des Representants Demands Litre (Part 2)
As you know, what with New Years Jan. 1; Fruitcake Toss Day Jan. 3; Humiliation Day - also the 3rd.; Play God Day 9th; Peculiar People Day 10th; Make Your Dream Come True Day 13th; and Squirrel Appreciation Day 21, this is already wreaking havoc with the SSC (Salahi Social Calendar). Go ahead, if you don't blieve me, "Gentlemen, start your search engines."
Today, our final post of inside information that you just won’t get from the MSM discloses not only previously unreleased Secret Service testimony, but also the real reason Tareq and Michaele failed to show at that very same hearing.
As you may recall, the original "dog ate my homework" story floated by Tareq and Michaele’s press representative Mahogany Jones as to why the couple failed to receive Michele S. Jones's Pentagon VM to abort their WH state dinner mission was a telecommunications SNAFU. To wit:their cellphone battery had gone dead following a half hour argument on it with Tiger Woods demanding Michaele remove him from her Friends and Family plan – also pretty much using up all of the remaining rollover minutes.
Unlike the usual candor with which the couple and their entourage have addressed each and every issue, we now know that excuse to have been somewhat of a fabrication.
When the phone company was contacted for confirmation by the FBI, the couple’s explanation was hotly disputed by T-Mobile spokeswoman Catherine Zeta Jones, who informed them the other Jones was "blowing smoke." Her company didn’t even have anything actually called "friends and family," and wireless conversation "dead zones" were virtually nonexistent in the nation’s capital, except possibly anywhere in the vicinity of Joe Lieberman.
Mahogany Jones Michele S. Jones Knotty P. Jones C.Z. Jones
Top Secret Testimony To determine if Sen. Lieberman’s presence could in fact throw a monkey wrench into phone service too, the committee called the director of the super secret National Security Agency, who listens in on everybody all the time -- but whose name must never be spoken nor his face looked upon without turning to stone.
So the crack CBS 60 Minutes crew that does such a foolproof job of concealing the identities of interviewees in the witness protection program was brought in to disguise the witness’s appearance by showing him only in silhouette. Unfortunately no one stuck around for the expert testimony because they also insisted on running that through a Fran Drescher voice filter.
This past week we learned the "truth, from Salahi-Golightly assistant press resentative Knotty Pine Jones, the Virginia couple weren’t scofflaws; it was a "wardrobe malfunction."
NOT ON MY WATCH
As the latter Ms. Jones wrote in a carefully crafted press release, the "one swell thing" that did come out of Tareq Salahi-Golightly having to appear at a Virginia civil court a week ago was that it did finally allow him to come clean and set the record straight as to the real reason they failed to show at the House Homeland Security Committee. And boy, is he relieved.
As Salahi-Golightly watchers know, the Front Royal, VA civil court judge had ordered Mr. S-G to surrender his $15,000 Patek Philippe watch to cover a $2,063 lawn mowing debt owed to landscaper Mike Dunbar. The court’s forensics experts then determined the timepiece to be nothing but a cheap knockoff. Who could have seen that coming? The report submitted to the judge indicated, "Oh, it’s pp. alright."
David W. Silek, who represented the Salahi-Golightlies in the dispute at Virginia’s Third District Court and Pawn, is said to have immediately pronounced this, "Great news."
"That bogus Patek Philippe hadn’t run any better than the dead cell phone battery that unfortunately misled them to proceed into the White House dinner. They hadn’t dissed the Homeland Security hearing, they missed their bus. It could happen to anybody. These folks just have terrible luck with gadgets." Or as Tareq now likes to call them since having presided over the Emanuel bris, "Chachkis."
To which the landscaper responded, "Then I guess cash would be nice."
So now here’s what you’ve been waiting for, the testimony you didn’t hear on the White House state dinner. The magic, of course is in the journey, not the destination. So, as we say within the Beltway, lets take a brief whimsical detour around "Memory Circle."
Demonstrating a politician's typical flair for visual hyperbole to illustrate the simplest of points, Chairman Bennie Thompson (D-MS) called attention the absence of the would be star witnesses by gavelling the session to order with a polo mallet, explaining,
"Sometimes you've got to talk to these folks in their own language."
As things transpired (as things so often tend to do), photographs circulated among the committee reinforced the growing characterization of the pair as potential Guinness "serial gatecrashing" record holders.
CAUCUS CRASHAPALOOZA
The photo below from Michaele Salahi-Golightly’s Facetimebook page shows the couple with Sen. Roland Burris, D-Illinois, and his wife, after working their way into the Sept. 26 Congressional Black Caucus Foundation’s Awards Dinner which also featured an appearance by President Barak Obama. The Sahali-Golightlies purportedly believed they could slip into the event under the alias "Swahili-Golightly."
(Left) Illinois Sen. Roland Burris and Mrs. Burris mutter through clenched teeth, "Who are these people and why is he always wearing those lapel pins? Think I saw the same ‘medals’ thirty years ago on Georgie Jessel at a Knights of Pythias banquet in Skokie."
In addition to the Burrises, others photographed with the "Swahili-Golightlies" at the dinner included Charles Rangel (D-NY), chairman of the powerful House Ways and Means Committee (presumably as opposed to the shadow "Wussy" House Ways and Means Committee?) and television personality Star Jones, who reminds everyone nightly on the syndicated "The Insider" TV show that she is a former prosecutor. On her Facetimebook page, Mrs. S-G may have since deleted the qualified reference of "former fat prosecutor" -- along with the inference that what’s actually "Inside" might be a lap band.
(Editor’s note: not to be confused with the lap band the National Enquirer will soon claim Atlanta stripper Nicole Forrester allegedly requested as musical accompaniment for the lap dance she pledged to Transformers star Josh Duhamel, if he could score them both either invitations to the White House event or some quality facetime with James Caan.)
According to the couple’s pr representative, Mahogany Jones, the "Swahili-Golightlies" (née Salahi-Golightlies) had been provided with tickets to the Black Caucus dinner by their legal counsel, Paul Gardner of Baltimore’s Gardner entertainment and corporate law firm. But even in that, the facts are not entirely clear.
Salahi-Golightly legal adviser attorney Paul Gardner. S-G spiritual advisor Chauncy Gardner
The confusion was ultimately cleared up by their crisis communications specialist Knotty P. Jones, who explained to the syndicated TV program The Insider: "Whatever she said."
According to CBCF representative Lance Jones (please let there be no relation) the couple claimed eligibility for membership in the caucus by a producing a taped cell phone message allegedly from Tiger Woods requesting to be removed from their voicemail.
Asked to leave the function, T. S-G eventually came clean. He said they had actually purchased the seats from family friends Rod and Patti Blagojevich; then played a recorded cell phone message from the former Illinois governor saying, "These aren’t just seats, Tareq, they’re f_ckin' gold seats!"
Wondering what all the fuss was about, Sen. Burris noted it wouldn’t be the first time somebody had bought a seat from Blagojevich. Clumsily attempting to pass as a caucus homey, Michaele Salahi was heard saying how glad the couple was to be, "in the house;" to which Burris replied he was even happier to still be, "In the Senate."
TALK ABOUT YOUR RED SKINS (see Dec. 12 Daily Kos --"Virginia Couple Crash Rahm Emanuel Nephew's Bris.) The press is also having a field day on the football field with the news that the ubiquitous Michaele also showed up (with a Bravo Network camera crew close behind) in the Washington Redskins alumnae cheerleaders halftime routine Sept. 20 when the Redskins played St. Louis.
Unfortunately after that pesky state dinner misstep, a number of the "other" alumnae checked and could not find any record of a Salahi, a Golightly, or a Salahi-Golightly having been a Redskin cheerleader in the first place – which is generally regarded by at least 83% of humanity as a minimal prerequisite for becoming an alumna.
Disputing that accusation, the Salahi-Golightlies pointed out that their Redskin devotion extended all the way to the Emanuel bris. A declaration which Tareq Salahi-Golightly capped off with a robust "Bah-dum-pah!"
However those on the scene report the Virginia socialite did not lack for talent. Although unable to perform some of the cheerleader moves, when asked simple questions like who the choreographer had been the year she said she was on the squad, the woman is said to have executed a virtually spot-on Jon Lovitz impression.
Pseudo former Washington Redskins cheerleader, Michaele (right -- face partially obscured by tresses, the rest by pompoms)-- is photographed from a surveillance camera choreographing an attempt to break into the team’s Ashburn,VA headquarters facility with other alumnae. The group may soon be subpoenaed to testify before a federal grand jury by Assistant US Attorney for the District of Columbia, Amanda Haines under the RICO statute (Redskins Independent Cheerleaders Organization corrupt practices act.)
Not that it couldn't happen, and admittedly it's wiki-sourced, but you've also seen Mrs. S-G in Vogue, Elle and O magazines. Of course you have; she says you have. But among the modeling assignments rattled off, it's apparently not only Victoria who can keep a hell of a secret.
Michaele's Facetimebook page also features photographs of the couple in virtually every exhibit at Washington, D.C.’s F Street Mme. Tussaud’s Wax Museum . Asked to justify this, she matter-of-factly explained, "Why just crash the present?
(Left) Tina Feyish US Attorney Amanda Haines.
(Right) At Mme. Tussaud’s, our historically saavy couple are said to have affixed wicks to each of the wax figures depicted signing the Declaration of Independence. Tareq Salahi-Golightly (center in costume as John Hancock) then proceeded to light the anthropomorphized candles, blow them all out, and both sang the nation a "happy birthday."
Editors note: The founding fathers were said to have pronounced Mrs. Salahi-Golightly "excessively lifelike." The French director of the Tussaud museum identified her spouse as an "accoutrement."
WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION and THE DEFENSE The hearing had been called by the House Homeland Security Committee Chairman at the insistence of ranking Republican Peter King (D-NY) -- although it had been vociferously opposed by the House leadership (DKNY). Its mission then as now was to investigate the penetration of White House security at the lavish formal dinner by the uninvited brain-twain. At last report, through Mahogany Jones, who amazingly endures as their pr consultant, the Salahi-Golightly legal team is said to be planning to charge entrapment. The pair will claim they had been lured onto the grounds with rumors there might be "some of those trendy Maryland mini-crab cakes and perhaps even tofu satay on a stick, along with a wide selection of cheeses."
Although the valiant Virginians had been invited to testify, the only appearance of the day came from Secret Service director Mark Sullivan, who accepted full blame for the lapse in security -- although several in attendance believe they saw him simultaneously mouthing the words, "Oh puleeez!"
Rep. King accused the White House of "stonewalling" by refusing to allow Desiree Rogers, President Obama’s social secretary and the ostensible planner of the event, to testify before the committee. In a tersely worded response, the president’s press secretary Robert Gibbs charged Rep. King with grandstanding on the issue.
"If the White House had a stone wall instead of that see-through iron fence, we might not even be here today," said Gibbs on speakerphone.
"You’re not here," shot back King, "nobody is," gratuitously adding that, unlike the Secret Service, the fence had done its job admirably, snagging a saucer shaped metallic balloon in which the couple had first attempted to scale that barrier onto the South Lawn.
The Congressman had to retract this observation when it was pointed out the alleged balloon had merely been an extremely large foil-wrapped baked potato which former Alaska governor Sarah Palin had interrupted her book tour to fly in from her University of Idaho alma mater. Palin’s husband Todd had suggested this could serve as an appropriate centerpiece for the vegetarian Indian Prime Minister’s head table. It was speculated that if there is one thing the former Alaska first couple know something about it's meatless meals. When it comes to fauna, if they can't shoot it, snare it, or run it over with a toboggan, they've just got no stomach for it. OK, perhaps that was a little harsh.
Alleged saucer balloon exposed as "loaded" WH baked potato centerpiece. Director Sullivan stressed that although the service had, of course, expected the potato to be armed and fattening , it was admitted, but, without anyone’s knowledge, forced to spend the duration of the dinner in seclusion upstairs in the White House attic.
In his testimony, Sullivan spoke of extenuating circumstances contributing to the security lapse. He said the social secretary, Ms. Rogers, had been scurrying around at the last minute asking whether it would be inappropriate to serve the Indian prime minister on White House china.
Chairman Thompson did commend the service on having swarmed and tackled the circulating satay hors d’ouvres server, while simultaneously addressing the Prime Minister’s peanut allergy attack. He then inquired as to whether any measures were being taken to assure the nation that something like this could never happen again.
When pressed, Sullivan let slip that, as a further security precaution,the White House was considering hiring a professional Bouncer Czar and the installation of a succession of velvet ropes on stanchions. The administration was now weighing that "private option" against the likelihood of a tantrum and hell to pay from Glenn Beck In a rather wooden statement, Mahogany Jones insisted the intrusion by her employers had all been a terrible misunderstanding. Misled into believing they were invited to a White House "steak" dinner, they only realized upon arrival that everything would be vegetarian in honor of Prime Minister Singh. With the usual creative spelling that has now become something of a trademark, Ms. Jones wrote the Salahi-Golightlies had asked her to convey how very very sari they were over the whole situation.
It was only after the good woman used a similar approach citing chapter and verse of the Bible as girding Mrs. S-G's faith their invitations would ultimately arrive -- Matthew 7:7 "Sikh and ye shall find" -- that three subcommittees arose as one and announced, "We're outta here."
The committee pressed the director as to what fabrication the couple had ultimately provided in order to crash the state dinner.
Sullivan said the pair claimed to have been "with the band." Unfortunately, the bands that night having included the National Symphony Orchestra, the service simply did not have manpower enough to debrief each and every member the Salahi-Golightlies had given as a reference. The service had been spread thin all week monitoring what informants believed had to be an extremely fashionable March on Washington -- only belatedly to realize it was just the salahis showing up everywhere.
As has already been widely reported, despite the dire admonition by Chairman Thompson that the nation had narrowly averted "a night of horror," the Secret Service director again stressed that, here too, at no time were either the President or the Indian Prime Minister at any risk to their persons. He pointed out this was particularly true for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, since everyone in attendance was required to pass through a "manmohanometer" upon entry to the White House grounds.
The director expressed some statisfaction with the progress of the investigation to date. After consulting TV Guide they have now upgrade the couple from "Unsubs" to either "vic" or "perp" and were heavily leaning toward "perplexed." A confidential source who asked not to be identified as Joe Biden reported observing Mrs. Salahi-Golightly enter the South Lawn on the arm of District of Columbia Mayor Adrian Fenty and the Mayor’s wife Michelle. Behind them, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams later reported his surprise at witnessing a make-up woman, now known to have been from the Bravo Network reality show "Real Society Whores of DC," emerge from the S-GSUV to "fix the woman’s hair" and "shower Mr. Salahi’s forehead with copious quantities of powder."
Learning of this, Homeland Security Committee member Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-District of Columbia) opined it was probably "the most embarrassing proximity of a Washington mayor to that much powder since Marion Barry."
DC Mayor Adrian Fenty Former DC Mayor Marion Barry and ME, Al Franken
The communications problem only escalated when, realizing the night would be "nothing but veggies," Democratic Committee Chairman Howard Dean couriered a sticky note down to the gate, advising security that he had sent out for "a couple of salamis" and asking that these be allowed entry with a certain amount of discretion in deference to the Indian guests.
The three uniformed secret service personnel placed on leave over the incident claim that, with Dean being a physician, it had been next to impossible to decipher his cursive on the 2"x2" sticky note.
Although this was supposed to be a closed door hearing, it was at this point that Freshman Minnesotal Democratic Sen. Al Franken poked his head throught the doorway and begged, "Any way I can get in on this? It's killing me." Pressing his case, Sen. Franken called the chair's attention to the fact that Sticky Notes were a 3M product.
Spotting the former comedian in the doorway, former congressman and 9/11 Commission Vice Chairman Lee Hamilton (a member of the President’s Homeland Security Advisory Council) pulled out his best Seinfeld,
"What’s with all the Joneses already? Who are these people?" The chair recognized former representative Hamilton on the profundity of his impression Former Rep. Lee Hamilton (now aka IndianaJones) and Mrs. Hamilton had been attendees at the state dinner -- and, not that anywone asked, had finished all of their vegetables.
It is now generally accepted the former Indiana Congressman’s simple "Jones count" observation is what started radio talk show hosts off on their jag about "Obama heading America for another "Jonestown Massacre." After all, it was Jimmy Carter who caused the last one, when he gave away "the canal" and "our ships couldn't get there fast enough from Camp Pendleton." Oh, all right, possibly jumping the gun on this one. But if it all goes down, don't say you didn't hear it here first.
Later in the day, Salahi-Golightly financial advisor Edward Jones admitted the couple had been Jonesin’ for both the White House invite, and reality TV exposure, for months -- as they had been thinking of going public with their various business ventures. These included the Chez Monmi/Chez Monu Winery, "Gently Worn Saris," an online resale consignment store run out of their home near Front Royal, VA, and their wildly successful America’s Polo Cup matches, staged annually on behalf of the Sahali-run "Journey for the Cure Foundation."
Depending on where and how closely you look, the horseplay has muckraked in between $700 and $18,000 for the charity on something like $500K in expenses (see Dow Jones).
One of the crisis communica- tions Joneses insists this is simply a matter of the foundation having changed focus. Michaele originally planned to donate all proceeds to the US Olympic Luge Team, until learning its members weren’t just skiiers permitted to use those con-traptions because they were crippled.
Luge Don't even ask.
All contributions will now go toward "the care and advancement of any polo mounts facing the prospect of a drastically diminished lifestyle as the result of the purported near bankruptcy of a winery." The only restriction being that the winery must belocated in the Northern Virginia area and its owners recent guests at some fashion of executive mansion gala.
As with all Salahi-Golightly enterprises this one will be scrupulously audited by a trusted family member, a man with an excellent reputation -- or at least frequently mentioned in connection with the word "reputed" -- cousin Salahi Tomato.
A conflicting story, possibly being circulated by some as yet unknown Jones, suggests there may also be diplomatic and national Mr. Tomato security implications beyond Tareq Salahi-Golightly's highly promoted scheduled polo match this summer against India on the national mall.
This one posits that, since polo began as and continues to be the traditional Afghan national sport, proceeds from this year’s match are only being held "in abeyance," pending a possible surge of polo opportunities there. Perhaps in, say, 15-16 months. Right now that remains primarily a matter of logistics, as the Salahi-Golightlies seem to have encountered some difficulty in securing the necessary complement of headless disemboweled calf carcasses employed instead of a ball in the South Central Asian version of the sport.
Adding Insult to Infamy Still in good spirits leaving the state dinner, Tareq Salahi-Golightly knew things were taking a turn for the worse. His car had been ticketed for illegally parking in the White House space M. Night Shyamalan had reserved for Carol Browner to plug in her all-electric Tesla Roadster.
Roger Burke, of Dallas, Texas, used to work for the government. Now he does very little on a freelance basis. He occasional shows up at a Native American-owned film production company, yet incongruously indulges the alternate persona of A. Buck Short -- Last of the Jewish Cowboy Poets.