The Candy is made and much of it is eaten. The cookies are baked lots of those have been eaten already too. Most of the presents are wrapped. The goodie bags are put together and most of them have been handed out. We had the neighbor kids and moms over to make ornaments. The decorations are up and almost everything is ready. Oh yes, I also decorated a tree in the courtyard with cranberry and popcorn garlands and an aluminum foil star and we left out lots of bird food. Ahh the joys of being Bipolar during the holidays.
I began freezing cookie dough in mid November while I was stewing about healthcare reform. I began decorating the weekend after thanksgiving while my daughter Heidi had a staph infection and I worried about my uninsured daughters. I started baking early last week as I raged about healthcare reform and the failure to regulate banking. And today I even managed to go to the park and pick up evergreen branches and cut some holly off our trees and put it up in honor of the winter solstice. I have gotten to the point that I cannot watch the news without yelling at the tv. And today I got a nice reminder that I am in the early stages of menopause.
I made; peppermint drops(MR C's favorite), peppermint pattys(new and my new favorite-hate to brag but oh my god these are good.), plain fudge(my old favorite), peanut butter chocolate fudge(Heidi's favorite-she gets here thursday and I have some put away for her), Chocolate dipped dried fruit(Gretchen's favorite), coconut bonbons(Ben's Favorite), peanut butter bonbons(Heather's favorite), caramels(plain and chocolate dipped). I Baked Oatmeal cookies, peanutbutter cookies, ginger cookies, walnut Johnny's(my own recipe, I was listening to Johhny Cash when I came up with it), chocolate chip cookies and sugar cookies and shortbread. I did not make any spiced banana bread or pumpkin applesauce bread or pound cake and we did not paint our won wrapping paper(although Ben was willing to go for it). The reason is that there is no possible way I could ever accomplish all the things I want to during the holidays. I can't. I realized this about halfway through cookie baking. This is about the time that pms/menopause began to rear it's ugly hormonal head. I actually became very suddenly and deeply depressed on my way to get the last christmas present. We, Ben and I rode our bikes because it was sunny and I was riding down the street crying about not having seen 'A Christmas Story' yet.
And today I woke up and vomited and had terrible cramps and back pain. Then I had a panic attack and thought my kidneys were acting up and I was going to end up in the hospital. I then felt better and started worrying about the way these attacks feel. It feels a lot like when I had my daughter. The early stages of labor to be exact. I know it must be hormones but it still scares me. I had my tubes tied a long time ago and any pregnancy would very likely be ectopic. That could mean surgery. Scary for someone who tends to stress out and have clouded thoughts. But I am not and can not be. I will know when my cycle starts.
I get very manic around the holidays. I just louuuuuuuuvvvvvvvvveeeeee me some holidays. I love the decorations and food and people and everything. God Bless us everyone!!! Love it!!! I try to use up some of that manic energy with all the baking and candy making and everything. I always plan too much. I never get it all done. To be honest I am happy to focus on these things and not celebrate the commercial holidays. To be honest I like being able to do these things and to me it is what christmas is all about. Sometimes when people try my candy, especially young people who might not have had much homemade candy, their eyes light up a little and they say, "You made this?" Thats so christmas for me. The only candy I will buy at this time of years is candy canes and when I learn to make them I wont buy them either.
And yet all of this has been so clouded by my fears and anger about the healthcare reform situation. I have to say that I really think that this bill is worthless and fear it may actually hurt good people and that enrages me. The only possible consolation I can see is that passing it will piss off republicans. That is really not much. I would much rather have a public option or medicare buy in. I would prefer above all universal single payer. As I said both of the girls are uninsured and underemployed. Ben and I are both on medicare. This issue does not affect us directly but when I think of the number of Americans who will die or become disabled like I did because of this it makes me sick and angry.
When add to this my disappointment on the failure to regulate banks and the disappointment about unkept promises to the LGBT community I feel very let down and I wonder what I will tell the people who depend on me for political information.
You see I go out and advocate for persons I know on disability, with mental illness or homeless to vote. Many of these people can't keep up with or understand politics. I admit I am not the best myself all the time. If I am not sure I will say so and I will keep trying to explain until I think they understand. I do my best and because of this some people kind of depend on my advice. I advised all of them to vote for Obama. I advise them to vote Democratic. Sometimes I feel I am a sucker and that Democrats do not give a shit about us. We are just a human interest story or a statistic. Our issues are not important to them. They can all give all the 'feel your pain' moments they like but we are the first left on the side of the road.
In spite of all this anger I am still resolved and I still think Markos was right. We still need more and better Democrats. More than 60 and better than Lieberman and Nelson. We still have much work to do and I for one am certainly feeling let down right now but I still feel that a public option or medicare buy-in or better yet universal single payer is what is needed. I still want to work for these things. I am still not ready to give up. It seems like the public option was never important to our president. We will just have to make it important. It seems like too many of our Democrats are sold out to the insurance industry. We will just have to change their priorities or get better ones. It is still the right thing and we can still do it and we still have the right strategy. We just have to keep working.
Family update time: In January Heidi will be moving home. She just announced it. I have been telling her for a long time that she could move home any time she needed to. I am dreading it. It will relieve a lot of stress for me as she has pretty much been couch surfing for nearly a year. she was working fighting wildland fires and piling slash for a while this summer but the season is over and there is no work in the town she was living in. Gretchen already lives with us and had planned to until she graduates college. Therein lies the problem. We live in a small one bedroom apartment. The bedroom is tiny and we let Gretchen have it. Ben and I have the livingroom. The bed doubles as a couch. The only way to wedge poor Heidi in would be to get bunkbeds for the bedroom or put her on the dining room floor. That would be a problem as I tend to wake up at about 5am and the only thing I can do is get on the computer which is in the dining room. I could sit in the bathroom and read I guess. she could sleep on the kitchen floor(she is now used to sleeping on the floor). Ben offered to let her have his spot and to sleep on the kitchen floor. I think that what will end up happening is that Gretchen will stay with her young man a lot.
It will not be a problem for long as our landlord is in forclosure. They came and repo'd his motorcycle last week. I think he has given up. He moved to a boat in San Diego I think. Nothing is being repaired and the dampness and mold are getting to be a huge problem. During a recent cold snap ice was forming on the inside of the windows and the front door. The maintenance man who lives in a windowless room in the center of the house where all the circuit breakers are said that during the cold snap he was afraid that they would catch fire as they were getting so hot. They were going off constantly when we needed the heat and so we stopped using the computer or watching tv when the heat was on. We will be moving as soon as we can.
We will be looking for a 2 bedroom duplex with a garage if we can get one. We can fix the garage up for one of the girls. If each of the girls kick in a little on the rent we should be able to afford it. Whoever takes the garage will pay less. Maybe Ben and I should take it.
My friend Craig is still in jail in his hometown. They are keeping him until mid february. He signed up for work detail to get out sooner but they wont let him as he is on disability. Heather is so stressed out she has gone back to coloring books. Their cats are going through depression and losing weight. Poor little critters. Poor Craig. He is hanging in there so far. We all miss him.
And to all of you I hop that you will have a very happy whatever you celebrate at this time of year and if you do not celebrate anything I still want you to be happy. And may you have a very peaceful and prosperous new year with healthcare for all.